Conflict

Introduction

Struggle. Tension. Violence.

I understand some of the reasons that conflict can turn violent.

When we do not temper our emotions with our critical thinking, conflict can metamorphosize into violence, sometimes very quickly.

When we perceive an imminent physical threat, our reflexive response may be violent, if the fight response is chosen over the flight response or when backed into a corner, is the only response available.

When frustrations build over a long period of time, a seemingly small event can trigger a violent reaction, one out of proportion to the triggering event.

When we blindly believe and follow a leader committed to a path of violent and malevolent action.

Yet it need not be that way.

Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

Conflict vs Violence

Conflict does not equal violence. Conflict does not need to lead to violence. Conflict does not need to be destructive.

Confrontation and conflict can be constructive forces for change and growth. Confrontation and conflict are necessary to define limits and boundaries. Confrontation and conflict are needed to instigate dialog and discussion.

Cooler heads can prevail. With maturity comes a sense of calm and control. Both sides must strive for a deeper understanding and commit to a higher path. Not my way, not your way, a better way for all.

Violence is only one possible solution to a confrontation, and it is often the worst. Little, if any, good comes from violence. The costs are too high. The changes are irreversible. The outcomes are poor.

Peace

Peace through strength. Peace by deterrence. Peace through law, order, and justice.

Moving from violent conflict to peace is not like flipping a switch. There are a series of de-escalations to lower the hostility and make it possible for the seeds of peace to be planted, cultivated, and harvested.

Constructive engagement is one approach to assert a position, stand your ground, and state your case without being violent.

Peaceful Protest is another approach to bring attention to a perceived wrong, a negative state of affairs, an injustice without being violent. To use a recent John Lewis phrase, it is good trouble.

Arbitration is still another approach to resolving conflict without being violent. A common standard, adjudicated by a neutral third party that the conflicting parties agree to abide by up front, is often chosen to diffuse tense situations when the cost of violence is deemed too high.

Now What?

When we get to the point of sitting at the table and discussing conflict with the other side, what do we do then? How can we keep from winding ourselves around the conflict axle and have a productive conversation, opening the doors to peace and change?

In his article, “Mastering Controversial Conversations”, Greg Glasgow notes four points to keep in mind when engaging in controversial conversations.

1.      Speak from personal experience.

2.      Listen intently.

3.      Keep an open mind.

4.      Show Respect.

Here are some links to his articles for more detail.

https://www.toastmasters.org/leadership-central/featured-article

https://www.toastmasters.org/magazine/magazine-issues/2020/nov/mastering-controversial-conversations?utm_source=featured%20article&utm_medium=december%202020&utm_campaign=link_2

Two other books, “Getting to YES” by Roger Fisher and William Ury and “Getting Past NO” by William Ury contain frameworks for productive negotiations.

In “Getting to Yes”, you learn how to:

·        Separate the people from the problem

·        Focus on interests, not positions

·        Work together to create options that will satisfy both parties

·        Negotiate successfully with people who are more powerful, refuse to play by the rules, or resort to dirty tricks

In “Getting past No”, you learn to negotiate your way from confrontation to cooperation by:

·        Staying in control when under pressure

·        Defuse anger and hostility

·        Find out what the other side really wants

·        Counter dirty tricks

·        Use power to bring the other side back to the table

·        Reach agreements that satisfy the needs of both sides

Summary

Conflict, Struggle, Tension, Violence.

All are a part of our human condition. All, at best, are uncomfortable. All, at worst, contain the seeds of tragedy.

In this article, we have explored aspects of conflict, constructive ways to deal with conflict, and surveyed some resources to help build knowledge and skill when the time comes to have controversial conversations and negotiate agreements to end conflict. Constructive engagement. Peaceful protest. Arbitration. These strategies can sway us from the path to violence.

Violence is a simple, incomplete, and unfulfilling answer to complex problems. Violence is a path to be avoided whenever possible, as the consequences are severe.

As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “‘Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

My fervent hope is that enough courage exists in the world to keep us moving past the roadblocks of conflict and violence. To keep us moving further along the path to peace, understanding, and acceptance.