On Conflict and Early Trauma Connection

Conflict is easily one of the most challenging aspects of human life.

It is everywhere around us and it's necessary for survival, innovation and growth - yet, most of what we're displayed are either unhealthy conflict or conflict avoidance.

Many of us fear, avoid it (to our own detriment) or engage in it in ego driven ways that almost never lead to resolution but only prolong the issue at hand and lead into a toxic cycle. Conflict engagement, resolution and repair in a healthy way is truly a skill. And the lack of this skill is closely connected to early trauma and conditioning - the ways in which we were modelled conflict in our early life.

It's quite simple, actually. All models of unhealthy conflict arise in two types of families:

1. Families where conflict was common and chaos ensued at any moment

• Many children (highly sensitive internalisers usually) from such families grow up to either fear and/or try to avoid conflict - while having a strong and uncomfortable physical reaction to any confrontation. They try to keep peace (which often leads to self-denial) and fear losing connection after conflict. This is called Anger-Avoidant and it's particularly damaging to our relationship with ourselves, our authenticity and our boundaries. Self-blame and shame are common here.
• Externalisers usually grow up to mimic such unhealthy conflict engagement - they display signs of low impulse control when stressed and externalise their emotions which leads to them being highly volatile and stressful for other people. Matched with their low levels of emotional maturity this can lead to many adult tantrums and emotional abuse of others. This is called Anger-Expressive.
• Some children, however, will grow up to become passive aggressive when dealing with anger - they will deny their feelings of anger because they were taught that direct expression of anger was dangerous and should be avoided. But they won't be able to keep it fully contained also. Passive-aggressiveness can often result in behaviours that are infuriating to others and can be a highly manipulative way of dealing with anger. Overall, it is considered to be an Anger-Avoidant Behaviour.

2. Families where conflict was avoided and issues pushed under the carpet OR Passive-Aggressive ways of dealing with Anger

• Some children from such families will grow up to avoid issues at any cost (push them under the rug)- they were never modelled addressing and working through issues. The 'rug' holds all the issues, pain, unhealed wounds, and everything the less emotionally mature family members struggle with facing. So children growing up this way will likely continue the cycle. They will continue to deny the anger and associated issues.
• Others will grow up to mimic the Passive-Aggressive approach demonstrated by the core family members (as described in the section above). They might find it hard to break the cycle of passive aggressiveness that's been passed down through the generational trauma. They are likely aware of the family issues, but don't really know how to express anger in any other way.
• Both of the above are Anger-Avoidant behaviours.

Looking at conflict from this perspective I'd like you to think of any people you know who engage in healthy conflict - who don't spiral into toxic arguments, who don't become severely dysregulated, aren't passive aggressive, or who don't try to avoid it at any cost.

Think of any people you might know who remain composed, stand their ground but are genuinely interested and compassionate when hearing the other person's perspective. THIS is healthy conflict engagement.

And by doing so, people who engage in healthy conflict demonstrate:

• High levels of emotional maturity
• Emotional regulation
• Self-awareness and Presence
• Inner sense of Safety
• Strong connection to their Core Selves/Authenticity

It is only people who either grew up in healthy families (Anger-Healthy) or who have healed their wounds that demonstrate healthy conflict engagement. This is because in Anger-Healthy families - both love and anger can exist at the same time. Anger is not personal and does not damage the relationship with the person - it only focuses on the issue at hand and is there to protect our boundaries and our Core Selves. This is natural and should be allowed to every human being.

Therefore, with such people conflict does not become a cause for:

• Hiding our true feelings (denying our true selves) and lowering our boundaries to appease someone else
• A struggle of wounded ego's

Instead, it becomes a healthy display of one's boundaries, the values of our inner Core Selves and an opportunity to change or improve on a situation that is no longer serving us.

Therefore, it offers an opportunity to get to know the other person better and brings us closer together, rather than further apart. When we are free to express who we are and what angers us (where our boundaries are) - we get to know ourselves better and we allow the other person to know our boundaries. In healthy relationships this builds respect and compassion.

I'd love to know about your experience with Conflict Engagement and what type of Anger you identify with?

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I am a trauma healing coach and organisational consultant.

I work with individuals who are on their own healing journey helping get clarity on and resolving their issues relating to: toxic relationships, conflict engagement, boundaries and confidence, Imposter Syndrome, public speaking and authentic expression, i.e. inner Voice.

In org. consulting I help organisations eliminate the signs of toxic work cultures, improve interpersonal relations, demonstrate healthy conflict engagement and resolution and build overall healthier company cultures.

For more information and to work with me, visit: www.voicefulconsulting.com.