Conflict: Dealing with Inner tension and really stressful conversations

(Be a good friend to the other in a tense conversation, but also be a friend to you.)

Every day we talk with people. They are family, friends, our co-workers or strangers. Sometimes these might not be comfortable discussions. We might talk about a sensitive topic, we might speak with someone we don't like or we can't find the right words to say to a nervous boss. Any of these lead to our bodies tensing up, fuzzy thinking and sometimes having your blood boil, maybe just a little bit.

Let me explain what tension does to our minds:

Whenever we perceive a source of conflict, all the subconscious registers is: Danger . Death. We might live in cities now, but life was very different a few thousand years ago for our ancestors. Danger could mean: A wolf is howling; A bear is coming at me. I need to defend myself or I'm going to die. We humans are pretty defenseless if you look at it. No claws, no sharp teeth(unless you're a vampire), no little weapons in our bodies.

Due to the speed of evolution of our world, caused by applied human intelligence, we transformed our surroundings and gained more physical safety. One can argue that in our concrete jungle the equivalent of a lion coming at you is a car if you're not crossing the street carefully. There are very little real dangers in a city, as opposed to those our ancestors had to face.

Now, when we're in the middle of a very uncomfortable conversation, where even shouting can be involved, even if there is no chance physical danger, that's not how our brain interprets it normally. Due to the way we're wired, if there red alarm sounds in the subconscious, preparations start for the inevitable fight.

The prefrontal cortex stops sending neural-inhibitors towards the amygdala, which controls our flight&fight responses. More blood gets directed to areas of the brain responsible with motor movement and actions. We get ready for full-contact(or for running). Worse case is freezing up. That's a complete disaster, unless luck steps in.

What initially should have been just an uncomfortable conversation can go from slight discomfort to agony. That's not a happy experience.

But are there solutions? Sure there are. Some are realistic solutions and some are just completely unrealistic and dangerous. Just ask a neurosurgeon to snap the connection in your brain between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. You'll be fearless. You'll also be unable to take basic decisions in your life, like: should I wear the black pair of jeans I bought yesterday or should I wear the almost identical pair that I bought today. Because our amygdala is actually involved in all the decisions we take in our day to day life. You thought you can take a 100% rational decision? Surprise: it's almost impossible, thing that has come as a shock to neuroscience as well, when a Partner from a well known Law Firm in New York had this specific nerve connection accidentally severed when doctors removed a tumor from his brain. Yes, He still scored high on all measures of intelligence testing as before the operation, but deciding what socks to wear was a 30 minutes decision.

What are realistic solutions then? What to do about tension? How can it be controlled? and How should we go about uncomfortable conversations? And what is the best strategy when dealing with something difficult?

Tension & Conflict

Feeling tension free when bullets are firing over your head might seem like a dream come true - if your target is to become and enlightened monk. But I don't think that's what most of us need in order to be exceptional at our work or for living the good life. What I can do is point in the right direction for treating internal tension and share tips on managing conflict.

Internal Tension: We need to address (1) The Mind and (2) The Environment

(1) The Mind

As someone who many years ago experienced a deep depression and due to constant stress I was completely unable to focus for more than writing 5 words and completely shunned people out, I can say that proper nutrition, sleep, meditation(and light exercising) helped out, with meditation ranking #1. But that's not just my experience that meditation is effective, Science backs this up as well.

Daniel Goleman's research proved that meditation is actually mental fitness or strength training for the brain, with different types of meditation training different parts of the brain. For stress management, and for beginners, there is a type of meditation that helps re-train your brain to send out neuro-inhibitors properly to the amygdala. It happens that what I used(and use to this day for a few minutes per day) is Vipassana. There is also a side benefit for this type of meditation. Because while it retrains the brain circuits responsible with calming us down under pressure, it also does another wonderful thing. It trains your attention as well, as the same communication pathway is used.

A free resource that I can give you for this type of meditation is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unxaZNhDmXg. This is a guided 30 min session by Sam Harris, a world-known neuroscientist and philosopher. If you search, you can also find a 10 min shortened version of it online.

Meditation is fine and good, but that's not the only thing we can do to help our mind. Let me ask you this: Why are we the dominant species on this planet? I'll tell you what one of my good friends who is Behavior Analysis expert told me. But before you read down on the next line, just pause and ask yourself why, then read on. It might not be what you think. It was not what I thought either.

According to Behavior Annalists, the reason for our society's evolution is Language. Verbal Communication. Teach a child to speak and he can develop as a functional adult. But if the child reaches the age of 4 and has not developed a vocabulary, chances are that child will never develop into a normal functional adult. Language is the key factor that makes us human and that allowed us to develop society as it is now.

Our Inner dialogue is the crucial in our development. We can process up to 700 word per minute and we speak to ourselves about 300 words per minute, in our mind. Outwardly, we speak only about 100 words per minute, on average.

So, how we talk to ourselves is critical. Saying to yourself: I like myself, I love myself, I can do it - it's critical. In essence, whatever your conscious mind accepts as being TRUE automatically is accepted by the subconscious as a TRUE fact about the world and about you. That is both Good, in the right scenario and Bad when we accept as true something false. I bet we all have that one friend which we know could do something if they just put their mind to it. but they don't think they can, so they are not even trying.

The mind is kind of like a google for solutions. If you think "I can't google this" then guess what? you won't find a link to a nice online shop to buy your new phone. In real life you could translate it as : LINK = the solution you need to solve your problem(get the new phone).

So then, the second most important thing about you is to believe in yourself that a solution is there for whatever the conflict is and that you can do it.

(2) The Environment

Environment, in this case, means looking at things from a holistic perspective. What is the source of the conflict, who takes part in it, etc. And don't mistake yourself as being the center of the world in a conflict. Look at the situation like you were a spectator as well.

Alfred Korzybski, polish mathematician and philospher said about the representations we make in our head that they are not what really is out there. In his words, "The map is not the territory". If you print out a city map on a piece of paper, will that be Paris? or is it just a scaled down idea to help us understand Paris?

And so, when dealing with conflict, the reason why someone is upset might not be what we assumed it to be. It's not be because you forgot to attach your excel file that your colleague is upset and screaming, it's because his brother is sick and he's been taking care of him and now he's exhausted at work. Sure, you made a mistake and we all make them, but that's not the reason they are not in good control of their emotions that day and they vent out on you.

Assuming we know something based on extrapolation and not collection of information in order to draw a factual based conclusion can spell conflict.

How to deal with Problems

As debilitating a problem might be, and as much as we might want to ignore it, what we should actually do is dive into the fire. Not in a kamikaze way though. To solve a problem we need to be Intelligent, resilient and calm. In real life there have are many times where a problem appears and it gets ignored. I've seen it quite often in tech companies. And that's a very bad strategy. It's like:

So, the step by step guided solution to address that critical topic in that uncomfortable conversation with that A**hole?

1. Embrace the conversation. It needs to happen. The topic must be discussed, the problem has to be solved.
2. Take the first step and open the conversation. Show up with a spirit of cooperation. It will make a mutually beneficial outcome more likely.
3. Offer Respect. The key lesson that we can take for Hostage negotiators is that they offer unconditional respect to the hostage taker. Because they understand that even in that situation, talking with a killer(or potential killer), they are still talking to another human being. And they have other human beings to protect, including their own forces. I suggest listening to Scott Tillema's TED Talk.
4. It is necessary to have Compassion for the other. It can be counterproductive to be emphatic and start feeling what the other is feeling, but to be compassionate means to understand and try to help them.
5. Listen to the other person, speaking with you. Try to understand what their fear is, what their point of view is, so you can have a more humane conversation. If the argument becomes tense and emotions are strong, asking questions which are open ended like: How? or What? and in a calm, non-judgemental manner. This will stimulate the other to go back to thinking and should help the conversation further.
6. Formulate with the other person the idea of how the best case scenario looks like
7. Decide on the specific outcome that is agreeable for the both of you, after you finished with the ping-pong of ideas at point 6.
8. Talk with what are your obstacles and how will you treat them.
9. Agree with them on how you will deal with other issues that might appear along the way.
10. Formulate your plan of action and do it.
11. Review together your progress, from time to time, as you deem fit, until completion.
12. Think about what you would do different in a similar situation, next time.

Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny have written an exception book on this titled Crucial Conversations. It's an excellent read and you will get extraordinary value out of it. You can find it as an audiobook as well.

At the end of the day, everybody is human and is trying to make the best out of life. Keep that in mind, be friendly and you've nailed the essence of managing conflicts.