Conflict is connection

The ideas in this article are influenced by “Fight Right”, John and Julie Gottman's book about how to turn conflict into connection, and interviews with journalist Charles Duhigg, whose new book “Supercommunicators” is out on February 20th.

I’ve been working on being a better communicator my entire adult life.

My style is avoidant, meaning, I’d be happy to never talk about conflict ever. We can just pretend it doesn’t exist, please and thank you!

When I entered the workforce, I could get away with this because I was a Type A perfectionist who made sure I never did anything that could cause conflict or a hard conversation.?

(For those who read my hard leadership lessons, you’ll understand why those early mistakes were so tough. They involved conflict! ??).

When I became a manager, my conflict style was an absolute unknown-to-me red flag. I was convinced that by setting expectations, hiring high achievers, and clearing the way of any possible roadblocks, I could avoid hard conversations entirely.?

Here’s how that manifested:

?? I underdeveloped my team by focusing only on positives

?? I internalized any conflict to be only my problem

?? I took the fall for mistakes with senior leadership

Yes, I was a good leader in that my team’s outputs were exceptional, I was able to advocate for promotions and pay increases, and I was kind and caring.

But I was only a surface-level good leader.

To operate truly high performing teams, leaders need to be able to create a culture where conflict is encouraged as a way to build trust and empathy, not just as a means for giving feedback or performance management.

When done right, conflict can lead to better long-term relationships because people feel comfortable enough to say what they think and know they'll be heard, respected, and given an opportunity to solve the problem collaboratively.

As a leader today, conflict tells me that I’m about to learn something new! And be given an opportunity to grow in my relationship and potential impact.

Let’s start with the two myths I needed to overcome to get to this place.

Myth: Conflict is bad

I lived most of my life thinking that conflict is a bad thing. Disagreement means something is wrong or you’re in trouble.

The truth: conflict is an opportunity to learn something new about yourself and the other person. It’s also an opportunity to grow closer.

When we learn what triggers another person, we are better positioned to lead them the way they’ll respond best.

Triggers at work might look like:

• Last-minute meeting requests
• Asking to chat via DM without any additional context
• Not acknowledging work when it’s turned in
• Withholding decision-making criteria
• Consistent, last-minute project requests
• Multiple revision requests
• A process that’s changed for the 100th time
• No documentation for the process that’s changed
• Not being able to find information in Slack
• Not getting a fast response to an email when you expect one

Myth: Conflict means someone is right

If you take nothing else away from this article, let it be this: conflict is about understanding where the other person is coming from.

The truth: conflict in ALL relationships is unavoidable.

Younger me is screaming inside just thinking about it.?

Conflict means that there are two realities happening in parallel. Your reality and the other person’s reality. Both are valid. And both deserve to be heard.

In general, there are two types of conflict:

• Solvable - conflict that is tied to a specific incident and can be figured out. This type of conflict is situational and has no deeper meaning.
• Perpetual - conflict that is going to come up again and again because it’s rooted in how we grew up, our belief systems, and the experiences we’ve had in life.

Guess how frequently we’re in each type of conflict?

69% of conflict in a relationship is perpetual (The Gottman Institute).?

??

That means, most of the time, conflict is not solvable.

This is even worse news for my younger self: knowing that I won’t be able to “fix it” every time.

Now, though, it’s comforting to know that someone disagreeing with me doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

It just means that we both have valid experiences that deserve to be heard.

Examples of solvable and perpetual conflicts at work:

Solvable:

These are situational.

• Arriving late for a big presentation
• Consistently forgetting to submit weekly reports
• Response times to customers get noticeably longer

Perpetual:

These are based on our lived experience and preferences.

• Where do we get our best work done? (The RTO debate)
• Where should we communicate? (Slack vs email vs meetings)

Tips for handling conflict at work

Both types of conflict should be handled the same way. Our goal in any conflict conversation is to walk away with a better understanding of the other person. It is NOT to walk away with a solution.

How to frame up the conversation:

1. Start with kindness. Instead of jumping right into criticism or telling someone they’re wrong (a sure path to defensiveness), start with kindness. I do this by checking my overall vibe. Do I feel curious and open to hearing what they have to say? Or do I feel frustrated and blame-y? Sometimes it takes a minute to move from frustrated to open. But the best (read: most productive) conflict conversations start soft, not harsh.
2. Focus on you and ask questions. Use "I” framing when bringing something to attention. This might sound like:“I need to talk to you about something I noticed and want you to know that the reason I’m having this conversation is because I care about you and am invested in our working relationship. Can you tell me more…?”“I want to learn more about what happened the other day. I left the team meeting feeling frustrated that our deadline was being pushed, and want to check-in. What was the meeting like for you?”Remember: the goal is to understand, not to be right or to “catch” someone.
3. Acknowledge and repeat what you’re hearing. Before jumping to problem-solving, make sure you understand what’s happening.This might sound like:“I’m hearing that…[repeat problem statement]. Did I get that right?”“I can see how having a last-minute deadline would make you feel that way.”You don’t need to tell them that they’re right. The point in this step is to make them feel seen and heard: your reality is valid.
4. End with collaboration. Once you understand the pain, it’s time to either co-create a solution or to end the conversation with a plan to follow-up. Whatever the outcome, it should be collaborative. This puts the problem on the other side of the room vs the two of you instead of on the other person vs you. Us vs. the problem is much easier to tackle than you vs. me.This might sound like:“How can we [prevent this from happening; make sure to; give you an opportunity to; avoid] next time?”

When things are going wrong:

Sometimes conversations get heated, either in tone or emotion. You have two tools for this:

• Ask to take a break and revisit
• Repair

The ultimate hack to making sure you maintain a solid relationship with someone at work is to recognize the option to repair when you’ve said or done something to hurt someone.

That means taking ownership over what you said/did, apologizing, and asking to try again.

This might sound like:

“I didn’t show up as my best self when I [actions or words] and I regret [saying/doing] it. Can I try again?”

Watch-outs and things to avoid:

We’re not perfect. There are going to be times when we mess up. However, there are a few things to watch-out for and do your best to avoid:

• Playing devil’s advocate - arguing for argument’s sake is not productive in conflict. If you want to bring up an opposing viewpoint, own it as what it is: your own.
• Trying to solve the problem before you understand it - most times we try to jump right into how-to-make-sure-this-never-happens-again fixes without asking questions to get to the root of what’s happening. Make sure you’ve acknowledged and agreed on the problem before you try to offer any solutions.
• Making sweeping character judgments - it’s unfair to judge someone by one mistake or misunderstanding. Avoid labeling someone as “bad” or “uncooperative” or any other character labels when you feel yourself getting upset. These labels become internalized and change how we interact with that person, even if we don’t realize it’s happening.
• Always, never, and the kitchen-sink - this is when we turn one problem into ALL problems. They are ALWAYS late. They NEVER submit their reports on time. They didn’t respond to your urgent slack, missed a client deadline, forgot to update the appendix on that last case study revision and on and on and on. Try to tackle one thing at a time.

What to do when someone won’t budge:

Conflict is not one-sided. If you find yourself in a situation where the other person isn’t willing to be respectful and engage, it’s okay to leave the conversation.

“I don’t feel like I’m being heard and need to stop.”

The outcome

Why does any of this matter?

It makes for braver, more equitable workplaces.

Here are a few of the other potential benefits:

• Issues are talked about, instead of rotting under the surface
• Relationships are stronger and healthier
• Teams trust each other to deliver
• Higher degree of empathy and understanding
• Less bullsh*t, more doing sh*t

You go beyond being a surface-level good leader to doing the messy work of understanding your teams and helping them reach their full potential.