Conflict is certain. Damage is optional.

Recently, I had the opportunity to talk to the new pastor of a church. During the conversation, I learned that his family’s roots were in the area where he now serves. While I have some familiarity with the region, given my work over the last three years, it was a delight to hear his perspective and learn from his knowledge.?

As the conversation progressed, it felt like a verbal quiz. One after another, I posed questions about various communities and churches in the region. He knows people in most of them. He’s related to folks in many of them.?

When the conversation turned to one congregation where he had lots of connections, he filled me in on some of the church’s history. Once strong and influential in their community, the effectiveness of the church has waned over the last few decades. My new friend cataloged a list of pastors that extended back a half-century or more. None of them were men I knew, so he offered editorial commentary. One, whose name I have already forgotten, he described in a little more detail. “He was a great preacher. He cared for the people well. His approach to conflict, however, was to avoid it at all costs.” He added, “I don’t like conflict, either, but if you’re going to lead a church, you must deal with it.”

The subject of conflict came up in another recent conversation with a friend who planted a church at the same time that I did, in the mid-2000s. This church planter shared how he had to address pressure from people in the early stages of the church’s core group development to take different directions on several matters. They avoided the trouble that would inevitably appear later by addressing the conflict early.?

A third recent conversation with yet another pastor also included some discussion of a conflict brewing in the church he leads. He’s a thoughtful, wise man and is thinking through and seeking counsel from others about how to manage that conflict well.?

You may see a pattern. While all three of these men are pastors, any leader will inevitably face a conflict of some sort. Conflict doesn’t just show up in churches. Conflict rears its head wherever two or more humans live, work, or play in close proximity. Clubs, nonprofits, neighborhoods, families, schools, small businesses, and big corporations will see conflict of some sort. Mere differences of opinion on a wide range of things can quickly become a white-hot conflict that threatens to damage relationships and derail the mission.?

Conflict is no different from any other organizational challenge. It is the leader’s responsibility to address and resolve the conflict. How we handle the conflict will depend on the nature of it.

When conflict threatens the very existence of the team, business, or church we lead, it is critical to deal with it quickly and, perhaps, harshly. Since my earliest involvement in church planting, I have seen young churches distracted, derailed, and done-in by the church planter’s unwillingness to address these threats quickly or clearly. Pacifying those who attempt to wrest the direction of the church allows a cancer to grow until addressing it requires more drastic measures and results in broader damage.?

In other situations, conflict can often be resolved by taking time to listen and listen carefully. One brewing conflict we experienced in the early days of CrossPointe Church was resolved by sitting down and listening to the concerns of the one who was sowing discontent and undermining someone leading a particular area of ministry in the church.?

After listening to a twenty-minute tirade about that leader, I explained that the concerns raised were matters of personal preference. I further explained that those personal preferences would not be the standard for our decision-making. I anticipated the family that raised the concerns would leave the church as others who were insistent about their personal preferences had. However, I was mistaken and happy that I was. This person never stirred another conflict. I remain convinced that what she wanted was someone to listen. The time I invested with that couple paid significant dividends in maintaining the unity of our church.?

Regardless of which of these or other approaches to addressing the conflict is appropriate for the situation at hand, one element needs to be consistent. We must remain humble, calm, respectful, and focused on resolving the conflict in a manner that furthers the mission and vision of the church, business, or volunteer team we lead. When we see conflict as a personal attack, we tend to react with anger, a defensive posture, and damaging division. I’ve been there too many times myself.?

What about you? What conflict are you facing? Is there a conflict you have addressed in a way that left damage in its wake? What did you learn? How can you use that experience or the experience of others to see a beneficial outcome the next time you have to address conflict??

Enjoy your weekend!

The views and opinions expressed in my Thursday Thoughts on Leadership are my own. They do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or policies of the Baptist State Convention of North Carolina or any affiliated churches.