Conflict: avoidance to resolution

AVOIDING CONFLICT and in this context/definition - withholding your truth or capitulating to questionable and acceptable behaviour for fear of losing love or support and myriad of other fears and rationalisations to just NOT GO 'THERE'.

This applies to any relationship; romantic, platonic, work, business... ALL of them. If we are avoiding conflict we are truly sealing our fate and living in a highly compromised state.

Sometimes the only way to learn is the hard way, such was the case with me in a long term relationship that went south over the course lockdown and ultimately ended nearly 2 years ago. Though I can only really speak for myself I know both I and my then partner paid a heavy price for not being able to address conflict in a healthy, connected and loving way. We haemorrhaged a lot of energy being consumed with our self-importance and the need to be right which lead to mostly an adversarial dynamic in the final chapters of our time together.

My conflict avoidance looked like this; I would withhold bringing up certain things for fear of some sort of punishment and retribution. I was constantly walking on egg shells and for the most part I was truly living in a state of fear. Nothing about this screams true love and connection yet I remained because I didn't know any better and quitting the relationship would've likely lead me to not learning my lessons and be doomed to repeat the same cycle in my next relationship.

After some serious wake up calls, moving out of denial and finally choosing to listen to those proverbial alarm bells it was in this crucible that I found my voice to speak truth to power and earn my stripes in conflict resolution and took the power out of conflict avoidance once and for all.

Regardless of the hurt and pain, this experience allowed me to see that the person I was being, a person who avoided conflict; was totally disconnected from her, the relationship I truly wanted and most of all disconnected from myself, my heart and my deepest truth. It highlighted that avoidance of conflict was prolific in some way through every other aspect of my life.

Giving myself (and her) a healthy dose of compassion as I write this, I didn't know better nor was I taught or raised to handle certain conversations in a functional way to either stand up for myself, say 'NO', establish and maintain boundaries and to eventually ask for what I needed. All things I had to start learning in structured way at the ripe old age of 35 (I'm 37 as i write this??) with the support of my coach and mentor, Marc and through the leadership work of Creative-Self Mastery.

For context and specificity when I decided to stop avoiding conflict and start addressing it dawned on me how much things were out of balance and how rampant unacceptable behaviour was throughout our dynamic. The source of conflicts looked a little something like this -

? having a different or no idea about our combined future

? misunderstandings/assumptions around others behaviour leading to over reaction and victimisation

? Not keeping our word to each other or to ourselves - actions not matching words

? Fear of saying 'no'

? Gaslighting

? The inability to call each other out with kindness and grace

? Unable to work towards a shared vision

? Lack of ownership, responsibility and accountability

? Toleration of unacceptable and abusive behaviour

? Needing to be right

? Taking things personally

? Character assassinations

? Countless arguments that didn't lead to any viable outcome/solution

? Little to no compassion

? etc, etc

The list goes on but you get the idea and its not important who did what to who here or blame anyone. That part of the healing is over for me and I have come to realise that everything that happen between us was from a place of unconsciousness and it was through systematic conflict resolution that allowed me to make this a conscious experience, remove any victimisation, practice full agency and learn the lessons in order to not repeat them again.

We both did our best with level of awareness and consciousness we had at the time. Bringing all of this to the light did mean things got even messier, but they had to and I am truly grateful for the lessons I learnt in our time together especially the lessons I learnt through actually attempting to resolve the conflicts in order to salvage our union. Addressing the monsters under the carpet in our relationship didn't save it, I don't think they were meant to but it did get us closer to truth, shared and individual. And that's what I signed up for, to be a warrior for the truth. If I am the creator of my reality then I brought her in to teach something about myself and my relationship with her was just another experience that allowed me to get closer to what's heart aligned and truly meant for me… and I ain't spiritually bypassing anything here, I like to keep it real with myself and took me some time to get to this place of deep acceptance around the whole thing so I can share here from the cleanest place possible??

The affect of this experience with all its lessons has been nothing short other that life changing. My ability to relate to all those connect to me knowing that if they or I are ever conflicted in our connection, I know I at least have some powerful skills to make sure we remain connected and in MOST successful conflict resolutions there is either a deepening of the bond and/or a renewed effort towards a shared outcome/commitment. Most importantly it will give the truth a chance to appear, be witnessed and ultimately honoured.

Due to my unconsciousness around all of this I let things slip a lot and I am not saying what I went through to learn all of this needs to be at the same level of pain and suffering for you, it doesn't but if you're reading this and you know things just ain't right in your relationships from some time now then you know in some way you’re avoiding conflict and there is always some price to pay for that. Start by being real with yourself, void of all self-judgement, accept yourself and the reality of the situation and start from there.

Moving from conflict avoidance to affective conflict resolution is something I now live by as well as teach in a structured way. Not the easiest skill to learn or practice but the rewards of self-empowerment and better relationships make it all truly worth it.

Such is the case with me; know that if done right conflict can be a pathway to more freedom, love and power within yourself and everything you affect.