Confident in conflict: speaking up

In my last regular post I talked about how I often hear stories from clients who are doing their best to 'survive' through politics and conflict in the workplace.

In this article (and future upcoming posts) I want to show you how practical the tools I teach in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can be used to rise above office politics and conflict in an empowering for all way. Some of this may seem uncomfortable at first, because it forces us to be vulnerable, when we are more comfortable with 'keeping the peace' to 'appear professional' - hiding what we really feel.

But it’s the powerful act of showing how human we are that resolves disputes, fosters understanding and creates deeper bonds of connection. 

Let’s dive in and take the example I mentioned in the last article, 'How to be confident in conflict':

Here are Sallie’s thoughts: "I've been wrongly done by, I've been mistreated. What's the point of trying to help my boss out by working overtime, only to get sick and be denied sick pay?"

Sallie keeps these thoughts to herself, mulls over them and continues feeling disempowered. She has responsibilities but doesn’t want to rock the boat, so doesn’t say anything about her feelings but internally continues to build up resentment and becomes more disengaged in the workplace.

Through this way of thinking and responding to the situation, Sallie is reinforcing her powerlessness and she is also creating an 'other' or 'enemy' in her boss. In her own mind, she is stuck and there is no way forward apart from continuing to work away silently and hope that the management changes. Or look for another position.

Now let’s look at what’s possible using NVC techniques in a potential conversation Sallie has with her boss:

Sallie requests a private chat with Emily her boss. Sallie: “Emily, when I work back five times in one month after being requested by you to do so, but am then refused sick leave for one day and told “you have worked too many hours to qualify for sick leave” I feel irritated, hurt and anxious. It’s important to me to know I matter, am appreciated for helping the team out, and also that I am cared about when I am sick. I want this, so that I can continue showing up in full support of what we are building together. Would you be willing to reassess the your decision and pay me for my one day off sick?”

The core part of this is that Sallie did her self-connection first, before speaking with her manager. Otherwise you can use 'perfect' wording (what most conflict or communication trainings teach) but if your energy still is conveying 'you should have paid me for that' then that’s what her boss will hear.

Can you sense the personal empowerment (for everyone!)?

What about the detachment from blame which is conveyed with vulnerability but no drama? Perhaps you can see the format used to create empathy and connection? Using NVC we can use our true feelings and needs, our vulnerable humanity, to create the understanding that supports getting to better outcomes. 

I would like to share with you more of these powerful tools, so there will be more to come in the following weeks. And until then, why not tell me in the comments below about your own workplace experiences? If you are ready to grow to new levels of self-awareness and learn the art of powerful communication at work in all situations, maybe you are ready for the half day or full day Confidence in Conflict (without the stress!) workshop? Click on the link to find out more or contact me privately.