Confident in conflict: facing senior management, and your wife!

In this article I’m continuing the discussion showing how practical Nonviolent Communication (NVC) techniques can be applied at work in challenging political and even conflict situations.

I first introduced the concept of how to be confident in conflict here and then last week we shared this scenario based on a real experience with a client. It demonstrates the difference between a disempowered reaction in conflict, to an empowering (for all) response (not reaction).

The NVC techniques require us to drop into a level of vulnerability.

For many of us, this is something we usually actively avoid. But hopefully with these scenarios you can start to see how your vulnerable side doesn’t have to be weak or dramatic, but it can be immensely empowering. Because it’s real and we all share what it is to have these feelings and needs, and so it can be connecting.

Let’s dive into the scenario this week which takes a look at how to manage our need for equality especially with senior management.

Eric: “I can’t believe they have done this to me again! I worked all weekend, skipping precious family time, to get this report for the general managers done for the presentation today only to be told they have rescheduled for a week because Hillary’s child is ill. The process are not set up to support my needs and this isn’t the first time either. They think they are more important than me, but what about my family? It’s really annoying and my wife will definitely say ‘I told you so’, but I can’t do anything about it.”

Does this type of scenario sound familiar?

If it does can you notice the reaction you’re having? What feelings are arising for you? What are your unmet needs?

A healthy habit is for us to be in touch with what is REALLY going on in us.

Not so much our thoughts about making the other person or ourself “wrong”, but the deeper level of knowing our own vulnerable REAL feelings and needs. Once you do that you can start to apply a new NVC language and perception skills, that allow you to move through these experiences towards clear resolutions, without the self and other judgement.

But right now, it is obvious that Eric feels powerless, and not just with senior management but with his wife as well(!). Can you tell that his thinking language is indeed imposing judgement, victimisation, blame and separation. OK so, let’s turn it around and see what could be possible using NVC skills.

Eric sets up a one to one with one of the senior managers and says: “Filipa I have observed that we have had to reschedule three Monday afternoon report meetings in the past two months due to unforeseen circumstances related to various family issues. I also note that the information I need to complete my report is delivered only by Friday, giving me little time to prepare, and forcing me to work over the weekend, forfeiting time with my own family. When this happens I feel disappointed and frustrated. I need more time to prepare the reports so that I can spend quality time with my family over the weekend. Would you be willing to move the meeting time to later in the week or amend the process which your team uses to get the information to me earlier?”

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And here is what Eric says to his wife using NVC: “Darling I notice that my working over the weekend affects you and our quality family time together and as a result it may be difficult for you to show me your support right now. Is that right? [Deeply listen and empathise to understand how it is for her… this is not lip service or trying to make it better… but deeply listening to connect with what it is like for her. After fully hearing her Eric might say... ]. I feel thankful that you do such a great job when I am not there and sad that at the time that I can’t be with you and the family if I am to meet the deadlines of my job. I am also wanting support and to celebrate what time we do have together until things shift which I am working on doing. Would you be willing to help me schedule real quality activities with you and the kids on those weekends? And would you also be willing to look after the children when I do need to work, and maybe make me a cup of tea so you and I can connect even when I have to work on weekends?"

Perhaps you can start to see the NVC pattern emerging as a communication style and relate to how applicable it is in many situations? If you want to know how to put this in practice, come along to the upcoming Confident in Conflict (without the stress!) workshops being run in Sydney and Melbourne, designed especially for you in the business sector (and transferrable to home!).

I hope this small example taste tester into what it’s like to speak up and show vulnerability in an empowering peaceful way is helpful? Let me know what you think or share your own examples in the comments below.

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