The Confidence Plan

Everyone Can Use More Confidence

Self-confidence is your belief in yourself. It’s freedom from doubting your abilities, talents, gifts and instincts. Increased confidence can benefit you in every realm of your life. Of course, everyone has doubts, at least, occasionally. That’s normal. (If you don’t, maybe you aren’t challenging yourself enough and need to get outside your comfort zone.) Even people who look confident experience doubts, but they’ve learned to move forward anyway. They don’t let doubt hold them back. People with self-efficacy believe they can do things. They see obstacles as challenges to overcome.

“Truly optimistic and confident people embrace their past, acknowledge its reality, mourn the pain, celebrate the success, learn from everything, and then focus on creating the present and future that they want.”

Sometimes people who aren’t accustomed to success feel awkward and uncomfortable when they begin to experience it. They subconsciously thwart their chances by reverting to their comfort levels. To avoid that reaction, recognize your success comfort level. Replace uneasy feelings with a new appreciation that bypasses your comfort zone. Give yourself permission to let good things happen to you.

“We are most content when what we believe, how we feel and what we do are in harmony with one another.”

However, no one succeeds all the time. Failing sometimes is normal. Confident people learn from their mistakes and develop as a result. Since everyone has a few blind spots, solicit honest feedback from people you trust. Embrace constructive criticism and use it to improve. Identifying your strengths and weaknesses gives you an advantage and sparks renewed confidence.

Five Sets of Strategies

Develop more confidence by considering whether you need to make changes in the five areas in your life that most affect your confidence level: 1) your thought processes; 2) your emotions; 3) your behavior or actions; 4) your relationships; and 5) your beliefs and values. For best results, combine all five. When these elements align, you will be happier and more confident. Consider them one at a time:

1. Positive Thinking

Your thoughts affect your feelings and your confidence. It’s all connected. Take these steps to develop your "positive thinking skills:"

• Quiet your mind; live in the present - Sometimes people think too much and get overwhelmed. Clear your mind of racing thoughts, interruptions, conflicting messages and confusion. Take joy in what you are doing instead of remembering or anticipating. Teach yourself to live in the present.
• Use "TruthTalk" - Sometimes becoming more confident requires analyzing your situation impartially, focusing on facts, identifying your feelings and perceptions, and embarking on a more practical thought process. Your misperceptions about other people can result in poor judgments and make you feel insecure. Reassess your perceptions and expectations about yourself, and about how people’s opinions relate to your self-image. Align your thoughts with truth instead of incorrect perceptions.
• Believe in yourself - People succeed who believe that they can. Optimism creates a "self-fulfilling prophecy." Pessimism or dire expectations are often self-protective barriers to disappointment. Yet, this tendency can directly result in failure and defeat. For better results, affirm your optimistic expectations and predictions.
• Get rid of negative thoughts - "Thought-stopping" is a simple, effective way to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Choose a troublesome thought and decide on a positive thought to replace it. Wear a rubber band on your wrist. When you start thinking the unwanted thought, snap the rubber band (so you feel it, but not so that it hurts), then visualize a stop sign to halt the thought. Repeat the positive replacement thought. Repeat this process until the negative thought ceases. Snapping the rubber band stimulates your brain to break your old train of thought.
• Reaffirm yourself - Think about a past success. Create affirmations about yourself that reinforce a positive self-image. Focus on what you can do. Build yourself up.

2. Feeling More Confident - Using Emotional Insight to Develop Your Confidence

People often react emotionally, not logically. Understanding why you act as you do is a large part of developing more confidence. Try these techniques:

• Keep a journal and discover yourself - Writing about your feelings, even for a while, can give you insight into your emotions and equip you to address negative issues.
• Take responsibility for yourself - Do not blame others for your feelings. Take responsibility. Be accountable for your own successes, failures, actions and feelings. Choose positive responses to obstacles. Do not let the past become an excuse. When you take responsibility for your actions and feelings, you will: 1) try harder; 2) inspire others to be accountable; and 3) relax and admit that you are only human.
• Engage all your senses - To experience confidence at a deeper level, consider how you would define it in terms of something you can see, hear, touch, smell and taste.
• Use the arts to get emotionally centered - Improving your mood can boost your confidence. Movies, art, and music can touch you and evoke positive feelings. Use them to inspire you and elicit positive emotions when you need to refocus.
• Try neurolinguistic programming (NLP) - This approach looks at how thoughts and feelings affect your body and your behavior. Even if you deny your feelings, they have an effect on you. NLP helps you recognize your feelings but - unlike talk therapy - it generates action that helps you cope. For example, "reimaging" is an NLP technique, a mental process you can use to realign your emotions and distance yourself from negative situations. First, conjure up an image that normally upsets you. Then drain the color - and the emotion - from its mental evocation, and shrink it down to a dot. In full color, visualize a replacement, some energizing image that fills you with confidence. Focus on that. This mental shift can defuse stress.

3. Taking Action to Create a Confident, Successful You

People who look confident will seem confident and, so, become confident. Use this to your advantage by deciding to act and behave with confidence. Take these steps:

• Act "as if" - Start to behave "as if" you already are what you want to be. Do things that make you feel confident and watch your confidence grow.
• Give up the illusion of control - Most stressors are out of your control, so why get so upset about them? You can’t change the weather or traffic, but you can change your reaction. Do something new that shifts the emotional impact of circumstances. If the weather is bad, do something fun indoors. If traffic is heavy, listen to great music or an audiobook. Save your energy; concentrate on matters you can influence. List the things that rob you of confidence. Categorize them as controllable or not. Create a third category for things you can slightly affect, but not control. Decide to focus only on areas where you have real impact. If you can control a stress source, do it.
• Set high expectations for yourself - Do not underestimate yourself and your capabilities. Look objectively at your skills, blessings, gifts, talents and abilities; dream big. Set goals that stretch you and fully use all you have to offer. Commit to achieving the ideal outcome, rather than the "acceptable." Get excited about it. Confidence doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid. It means you don’t let fear stop you.
• Overcome fears with small steps - You can often conquer situations that make you feel afraid or inept by starting small and taking gradual steps. If a fear holds you back, beat it systematically by desensitizing yourself little by little.
• Immerse yourself in it - Another way to deal with irrational fear is "flooding," that is, confronting fear head-on by immersing yourself repeatedly in what you fear until you no longer fear it. Hypothetically, this is like jumping into a pool when you are afraid of drowning. Realistically, it is seldom that dramatic, since people rarely face life-or-death fears. This can show you that the things you fear may not be so bad.

4. Creating a Confidence-Building Community

How you interact with others can affect your sense of self-worth. Try these measures:

• Stop stereotyping - Sometimes we stereotype other people or they stereotype us. What other people think can affect your confidence. Recognize that everyone - including you - should be valued for who they are.
• Limit negative people - Negative people can deplete your energy, and sap your confidence. Set boundaries that limit their effect on your life. You may need to confront people in order to stand up for yourself.
• Join a supportive group - Your self-image and confidence level also develop from the group of people you spend time with; identifying with a group builds a sense of camaraderie and unity, and helps form your social identity. Join positive groups.
• Foster true friendships - Everyone needs relatives and true friends for support, encouragement and unconditional love. Close friends keep you accountable, watch out for you, make you feel your best and support you regardless of the outcome.
• Eliminate conflict - Conflict sometimes arises as a result of stereotypes, prejudice or differences in background and culture. Getting to know and understand others can often resolve problems. Conflict can occur because one person wants to win at another’s expense. To reduce conflict, try to understand the situation. Appreciate the other person’s perspective. Don’t get defensive. Two people can differ without one or the other feeling threatened. Focus on understanding, not on trying to change the other person or to prove who is right or wrong.
• Help others - Giving something away, be it time, money or talent, benefits you. It makes you feel good about yourself and inspires others to help you in return.
• Ask for feedback - Feedback that others give, or withhold, can affect your self-image. People tend to compare themselves to others and judge themselves, so it is easy to get an erroneous self-image, for better or worse. Seek honest, helpful, trustworthy feedback, particularly if you have specific issues to address. Ask for positive feedback on your strengths.
• Forgive - It is easy to judge others too harshly, particularly if they act based on unrevealed motivations. Sometimes people are unkind. Yet forgiving others - not condoning their behavior or inviting them to mistreat you, but releasing your need and desire to get even - can free your soul and increase your confidence. "Forgiveness is about grace, not what is fair."

5. Centering Your Spirit - a Critical Confidence Builder

Your spirit is where you develop the "core of your confidence." To boost it, take these steps in your career and your personal life:

• Reconsider your vocation - What you do for a living has a huge impact on your outlook, but it doesn’t define you. Seek a vocation that aligns with your natural strengths, preferences, talents and personality in an enjoyable environment. An aligned job will have meaning and purpose. If your job is not a good match, stress, unhappiness or resentment can impair your performance and confidence. Know what you want. Examine different jobs to find one that feeds your soul.
• Find significance - Success often focuses on pride, achievements, accomplishments, wealth or status. Significance, on the other hand, is a way of touching others and improving the world. It is altruistic and satisfying. If you focus on creating a life of significance, you will draw confidence from that commitment and the sense that your life matters. Live a purposeful life that creates a legacy.
• Live with integrity - Do your actions mirror your true beliefs? Hugely uncomfortable cognitive dissonance is the inevitable result when people lie to themselves about the gap between what they believe and their actions. True integrity means your actions match your beliefs. Confidence thrives when you live with integrity. Honestly examine where your actions do not align with your beliefs, and make a change.

“When you look deep inside, have you set your sights high enough?”

Create a mission and live a life of purpose - To live a confident life of purpose, you must figure out where you are going. Develop a written mission that articulates your goals and action plan. To develop your personal mission statement, consider: 1) The purpose of your work and life; 2) How it relates to who you are, your personality and values; 3) Who you will help; 4) What actions you will take to fulfill your purpose; and 5) How this makes the world better and benefits others.

Bentley Moore Executive

We hope that you found this summary both insightful and of use.

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About the Author

Tim Ursiny, Ph.D., is the founder of a consulting firm. He works as a trainer and coach with corporate executives and employees to help them develop confidence and improve their performance and communication skills. He also wrote The Coward’s Guide to Conflict.