The Confidence Paradox

Written by, Michelle Winklaar , VP of Coaching and Development, Cadence Leadership + Communication

When I start working with a new coaching client, I always ask: “What would you like to improve?” Nearly every time, the answer is the same: confidence.

Clients envision a life transformed by confidence. They imagine how they’d interact with senior leaders more effectively and speak up in meetings without hesitation. Some envision better presentation skills, presenting with ease in front of groups of their coworkers and bosses. Most believe confidence is the secret sauce responsible for unlocking our ability to achieve great things.

But what exactly is self-confidence, and how much do we need to unlock our full potential? Self-confidence simply put is the belief in oneself to undertake and successfully accomplish tasks. It’s also pretty complex, because if you ask 10 people what it means to them, you’ll get 10 different answers. We might have the belief that confidence refers to our specific abilities, how we handle situations, physical or mental functions, or an overall sense of self-assurance. Confidence can be associated with knowledge, abilities, or more generally, our personality traits.

Many believe confidence is the precursor to achieving great things—a necessary foundation for success. This concept of confidence also includes the belief that some people are naturally gifted with an abundance of confidence. On the flip side, those that struggle with confidence hold themselves back.

But what if we’ve got it all backward? What if confidence isn’t the prerequisite for doing challenging things, but rather its by-product?

Redefining Confidence

I’ve made some major career changes. Of all my career choices, the most challenging was leaving a corporate job to join a political party and becoming a cabinet minister on the island of Aruba. It was also the change that I felt least confident about. I had built a successful corporate career but knew nothing about politics or working in government. I was also the only female cabinet minister. You can imagine the missteps, flops, and mistakes I made over the eight years I was in public office.

Being an elected official, with all eyes on me, meant that I couldn’t opt out of challenging situations, even if my confidence wasn’t strong. I had to put myself in difficult and uncomfortable situations regardless. And boy, were there loads of uncomfortable situations. I had confidence in my ability to do the job and make sound decisions. But my ideas were not always welcome and were often counter to political norms. This was where my confidence suffered.

An interesting thing happened along the way—I started becoming more confident as time went on. Part of it could be attributed to learning the ropes, and the confidence that comes with being familiar with an environment. But a big part of my growing confidence was learning to let get comfortable with discomfort. I know, it’s a paradox! Becoming more confident means dealing with feelings of insecurity, fear, and doubt. Changing the internal dialogue of what we tell ourselves in uncomfortable situations. I learned to ?better navigate the unease that came with being in a high-profile and high-pressure role. I also had to become okay with receiving earned and unearned criticisms, often very publicly. This experience made me realize that confidence wasn’t the prerequisite; it was the by-product of stretching myself outside my comfort zone.

Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of external things that can make people lose confidence in themselves. It can be related to a bad experience, a toxic work environment, the effects of perfectionism, or the growing distortion of our self-image as a side effect of social media. These all can be barriers to seeing ourselves and our environments clearly.

I believe that confidence isn’t something we simply have or don’t have. It’s something we cultivate through experience. True and lasting confidence comes from taking bold steps, facing challenges head-on, and learning from the journey. It’s born from moderate risk-taking, embracing missteps with humility, and maintaining a learning mindset. The biggest factor in growing our confidence is being kinder to ourselves! This also means accepting that feeling less confident at times is normal and perfectly ok.

The Power of Risk and Resilience

Imagine a world where instead of waiting for confidence to take action, we take action to build confidence. This shift in mindset is transformative. It encourages us to step out of our comfort zones, try new things, and view failures as stepping stones rather than setbacks.

Taking risks doesn’t mean being reckless. It means daring to move forward despite uncertainty, understanding that every experience—success or failure—adds to our confidence reservoir. Each challenge faced and overcome strengthens our belief in our abilities.

Embracing a Learning Mindset

Humility and a learning mindset are crucial in this journey. They allow us to see each experience as information and data and minimize self-judgment. When we approach life with curiosity and openness, we’re more willing to take risks and learn from them. This attitude not only builds confidence but also resilience and tenacity, making us better equipped to handle future challenges.

Neuroscientists are discovering more about an area of our brain called the anterior midcingulate cortex (aMCC) and its role in tenacity. Engaging in meaningful, challenging tasks with no guarantee of immediate success or reward, activates our aMCC. The more activity in our aMCC, the more tenacious we become. In other words, when we do things that have value but are outside of our comfort zone, we generate tenacity and resilience. We become more confident.

Conclusion: Confidence as a Journey?

Confidence is not a static trait; it’s a dynamic journey, but certainly not linear. It grows with each step we take, even if we are tripping and falling along the way. By redefining our approach to confidence—seeing it as the outcome of courageous actions rather than a prerequisite—we open ourselves up to greater possibilities.

I love a good metaphor; confidence is like a garden that flourishes over time. Every time you take a courageous step, despite fear and unease, it’s like planting a seed. Initially, the garden may look barren, and self-doubts may make it seem like nothing’s happening. But with each opportunity to reach outside your comfort zone that you take, the seeds begin to sprout. Over time, the flowers start to grow and bloom. Confidence is not the soil you start with; it’s the beautiful garden that grows from your persistent nurturing.

So, the next time you find yourself wishing for more confidence, consider taking a small step outside of what feels safe and comfortable. Start with considering these coaching questions: When was the last time you felt most confident? What was it about that moment? What would having more confidence feel like? Where would you like to start?