Is confidence a natural attribute or can it be learned?

February is International Boost Self Esteem month. Self-esteem can be defined as a person’s overall valuation of their worth. This is influenced by many factors including identity, sense of belonging, self-confidence, security, and competence. In this article, Dr Anna Manajeva, a CBT therapist at HelloSelf, looks at why most of us struggle with confidence at times and what we can do to challenge limiting beliefs about ourselves and improve self-esteem.?

As a CBT therapist having supported many people with a range of mental health difficulties, I have often heard from my clients that, no matter what brings them to therapy, they generally struggle with feeling confident and think that other people seem naturally more self-assured than them. They would like to discover, with their therapist, if self-confidence is something that they can learn and improve or whether they should accept it is just not part of their personality, that others will always be naturally better than them: more confident, more likeable and more successful.?

It is normal to doubt our abilities and qualities at times, particularly when we are about to start something new such as a relationship, a new project or something that we have not done for a while. Going through challenging life experiences, for example a period of ill health, the loss of a loved one, a job or a relationship, can also mean we begin to doubt ourselves more and question our self-worth. Generally speaking, as long as our moments of self-doubt are short lived (the length of time varies from person to person), we should just see our doubts as a healthy reaction to the challenges we are facing, which actually often help us become more resilient and more confident.?

Having worked with a lot of people who struggle to believe in themselves, I have seen how persistent self-doubt can cause people a lot of distress, stop them from being their authentic self and creating a life they want to live. Although everybody’s story is different and everyone’s experience with confidence is unique to them, people who have enduring low self-esteem often experience all or some of the following difficulties that disrupt many aspects of their personal and professional life: assuming people think the worst of them, worrying about their abilities to do something well, believing other people know better and do better in their life than them, feeling not good enough, not smart enough, just not being enough in general, not pursuing their goals, not expressing what they genuinely think and feel, trying to please others and put their needs first, choosing other people to make decisions for them, not trusting themselves, feeling very anxious, low and angry with themselves at times whilst being plagued with many self-critical thoughts.???

But the good news is that this can change, and we can learn to believe in ourselves more. Often my clients tell me that they already know that they need to like themselves more, but they just don’t know how to do it, or they might struggle to believe that a change is possible. Sometimes some people tell me that they have never learned the language of self-love or have a skill set to hear their own voice, prioritise their needs and be more assertive in their life. I find that as a first step it is important to recognise that everyone (including ourselves) deserves to feel happy and worthy and essentially feel free to be themselves (because everyone else is already taken anyway). It is important to connect with what we personally like and enjoy and what we truly value in life. It takes a lot of courage to take positive risks and take steps towards achieving our life goals. However, doing so improves our self-esteem. Also, a lot of people, whom I have supported over the years, have found it helpful to learn to challenge their limiting beliefs about themselves by practising being their own kind friend in their own mind and trying to develop and experiment with new ways of doing things so that they can discover their true strengths and potential and allow themselves to live their dreams.?

As a saying I once saw in Bali says – “if you can dream it, you can do it”. A lot of people find it helpful to set themselves some very specific and realistic goals with a long-term plan in mind (which is in line with their values), as well as keeping a journal of any unhelpful thoughts they may have that can stop them from moving in the desired direction. There are many self-help books available that can help us on this journey of self-development. However, if at any point the going gets tough it is always good to ask for a helping hand and consider seeing a qualified therapist who can help you discover what is holding you back, how you can find yourself and move forward in your life. After all, asking for help is a sign of strength and self-care.