Confidence and the Introvert

Have you ever heard yourself say “I’ll wait until I feel more confident before I do that presentation, or ask for the raise I so deserve, tell your partner what you really need?"

Many of the introverts I work with are accused of lacking confidence – indeed I was once given that feedback during a course.

So this is partly a perception problem and partly a result of decades of being told to be different. Meaning many introverts need to find their inner confidence.

I’m a big fan of Dr. Rob Yeung when it comes to confidence and he defines confidence as being ‘the ability to take appropriate and effective action in spite of how challenging it may feel’. Isn’t that a great definition?

In essence, Yeung is saying that confidence comes from doing, not waiting. And yet how often do we still hear people say not yet, maybe next week, when I feel more confident....

So in this newsletter, I’ll share a few precious takeaways with you including

·????????What I’m doing to constantly reinforce my confidence

·????????5 tried & tested steps to help you access your inner confidence

·????????A quick method to get you back to confidence if it starts to fail you

We know that there is a fundamental challenge sometimes brought by our introversion in a world biased toward the extravert ideal, and that bias can knock our confidence.

And, there’s being a woman in what is essentially still a man’s world. And, if I dare to mention it, there’s the challenge introduced by being an older introverted women. Now make that a triple whammy! I’ve heard many women report feeling more invisible as they get older and I wonder if that indicates a vicious circle??I feel less visible so I’ll retreat more to save myself from the pain of invisibility.?Certainly Susan Cain, author of the bestselling introvert’s ‘bible’ Quiet, confirms that “We act more introverted as we get older.”

Notice though that Cain uses the word ‘act’.?It is important to differentiate between behaving in a more introverted way and being more introverted.?The difference may sound subtle, but it is significant. It’s really not just semantics. Anyone can behave in an introverted fashion, even an extravert. They occasionally have days when they don’t really want to see anyone too you know! Being more introverted is feeling the drains on you battery more deeply or more rapidly. And, maybe taking longer to recharge. That’s being more introverted.

I can tell you that my 60s are turning out to be my best decade yet. I’m more secure in who I am, what I want, and where I’m going.

Sure, my hair is grey, my face crinkled with years of smiling, and my bits sagging. But, aging is a privilege that many of my dear friends didn’t have the option to experience.

I really doubted that I’d ever feel this way as my teens and 20s were filled with self-doubt. I married for fear I’d be left on the shelf and was wracked with insecurity.

During my 30s, I discovered that what made me different was my introversion but I didn’t know how to own it or play to my strengths. That’s when a decade or 2 of pretending to be something I’m not started. I pretended to be more like my successful colleagues – outgoing, happy-go-lucky, and lively. That just led to introvert burnout, so it took until my 50s to finally start to appreciate, dare I even say love who I was.??

Now, in my 60s and I’m loving this 'being older' lark. I can be more controversial because I care less about what people think of me. I know I’m not for everyone and that’s absolutely ok with me. Everyone isn’t for me either. I’m too pedestrian for some, too measured, too slow. But introverts like me are ok with that and after all, that’s who I’m advocating for.

My time of compromising who I am to please others is over!

Reinforcing my confidence

So what am I doing now that’s building my confidence, that I wasn’t before? Those things that are taking me to the outer edge of my comfort zone, enlarging it all of the time? I promised to share with you so here are some of the things.

·????Showing up live on social media and doing this show. This is still a big thing for me as an introvert, and I’m finding how to do it my way; quietly, and without too much razzamatazz. I’m more comfortable going live in my group every Tuesday knowing that I’m good with being me now.

·????Writing and speaking about my real experiences rather than glossing over the tricky bits. I am an open introvert (one of the 6 types) so I am more likely to share, but I’m so over the falseness that social media seems to invite. I’m a human with human failings but I do my best. And, when I know better, I’ll do better!

·????Focusing on my purpose, not satisfying someone else’s goals. You know that I imagine a world where the inherent qualities of an introvert are understood, valued, and encouraged in education, the workplace, and society. And, as well as rattling the cages of organisations, I help professional introverts to further their careers. I face a lot of resistance as I do that, but I believe in my purpose, so I’ll face that resistance head-on. ?

·????Maintaining and defending my boundaries assertively. As a reformed people pleaser and perfectionist, these last 2 are not always easy, but I experience the benefits when I do them. I won’t deliver on my purpose if I cower in the face of opposition. There are times when I’ll inhabit my warrior archetype, pick my battles and show up fierce!

·????Being of service to those who need to or want to hear my message. I know I’m not for everyone and that’s really ok. When I started this work, I thought there would be loads of introverts interested to hear what I have to say. And then I realised just how many are happy hiding inside or behind their introversion. And in some cases, even conflating introversion with social anxiety, depression and misanthropy.

?Which of those triggered thoughts for you about how you could build your confidence?

?5 tried & tested steps to access your inner confidence.

1.???Own your introvert qualities and strengths.?What is it you do well, consistently, and without any real effort??And what value do (or could) these add to a situation? This will vary from introvert to introvert as there are 6 basic types of introversion resulting in numerous combinations. Make a list for easy reference and keep adding to it. For example, if you’re a great listener, dial up the quality of your listening and use it to summarise what’s been said or raise awareness of assumptions or even suggest ways forward. If you’re a great researcher, who might benefit from your research or your findings? If you’re a gifted craftsperson (I’m a frustrated artisan), where can you show or sell your makes?

2.???Prepare thoroughly. Look at those around you who exude confidence. How do they stand, sit, walk, talk etc. This is what is known as modelling in NLP terms, and it works beautifully. I never recommend ‘faking it til you make it’ as the subconscious tends to recoil. I am however a big fan of acting as if. You may think that is semantics but I can assure you it isn’t. We know that we smile when we’re happy and now that when we smile we feel happier. It's one of the human body's reciprocal processes. So it is with confidence. When we walk in a confident way, talk in a confident way, and make eye contact the way confident people do and we’ll feel more confident.?

3.???Pre-charge & recharge sufficiently.?In order to be at your best, replenish your mental energy before and after a taxing situation.?Take a walk, listen to some music, or meditate.?Do what you know works for you.?Book quiet time in your calendar before that difficult meeting.?

4.???Ask for what you need. If you’re finding the thought of a situation unnerving, decide what you need to make it more manageable. This might be asking for help, support, or space. With our think-say-think communication process, the pace of life may not allow enough time to share ideas and thoughts. Time spent quietly thinking things through beforehand makes the chance of being heard at the right time more likely. The quietest voices often deliver the most profound contribution.

5.???Really know and understand your comfort zone.?Some people talk about stepping outside your comfort zone and probably many of us have been told to get out of our comfort zones and even given the advice that growth never happens in a comfort zone. Knowing introverts the way I do, I have a different perspective. If we work at the outer edge of our comfort zones, the competency zone, and into the learning edge, they keep expanding, almost imperceptibly. And it’s only when we look back, we realise how much we’ve grown. This expansion means you’re able to do more things comfortably. How cool is that!?

So there are my 5 tried & tested steps – take the time to apply them and you’ll be delighted with the result. Ultimately confidence grows when we take action and apply ourselves. It's not a passive process so keep these steps to hand as I do.

Getting back to confidence

Lastly, How do we get back to feeling confident when something knocks us off course?

• It starts with breathing. When we get stressed, our breathing gets shallow, so take a moment to deepen your breathing. Box breathing can be useful - In for 5, hold for 5, out for 5, hold for 5.
• Then change your stance. Adopt a stand tall, shoulders-back stance, even if you’re sitting. Our diaphragm operates easier that way.
• Take a moment, have a sip of water, ask a rhetorical question or just smile.

It’s the small things that make a difference. As part of your preparation, consider what might knock you off course and have a remedy for it. As Eisenhower said, the plan is nothing, planning is everything.

I wonder what you will choose to do to access, build, and reinforce your confidence. We are all work in progress, after all.

Remember to visit flourishingintroverts.com for more useful information.?