The Confidence Equation

How do you feel confident, certain and focused on your goals over the next six to 18 months?

Regardless of if you're a business owner or a new parent or anything in between,? the emotional equation I'm going to share with you today can dramatically influence your confidence and probability?in succeeding at whatever task is in front of you.

To illustrate my emotional maths I'd like to share the story of Helen who came to me this week in a state of overwhelm.

"I have to let six people go this week" She said visibly anxious.

They have been chronically underperforming for quite some time. I've avoided it as long as I can but now it needs to be done."

This was causing sleepless nights, agitation, stress and much more. Don't' get me wrong, it's totally understandable that this would be a difficult situation. But as I probed I found the real reason for the anxiety.

I asked "What are you really worried about?"

She replied "I'm worried I'll get really emotional in front of these employees and I'll crumble".

This is where most coaches or therapists would start. But because of our emotional maths, I knew this was only one half of the equation.

"Okay, so when you picture doing this in your head, what is the fantasy version you're imagining? What are you picturing as the perfect way this plays out?"

"I am totally cool, calm and collected. I work through the process in complete control and deal with each one efficiently." she explained.

Bingo.

Now we can see the REAL problem.

Before the big reveal, here is the Confidence Equation:

(Fantasy + drawbacks) - (Fear / benefits) = Confidence.

Let's break it down using Helen's situation.

A fantasy is defined as a biased, one-sided projection of an event.

- Biased because it is filtered through your own personal values rather than being objective.

- One-sided because it's assumed that if things went that way it would only be all positive.

Whenever we set up a one-sided fantasy, your brain is DESIGNED to give you anxiety as a feedback mechanism that your thoughts and perceptions are lopsided.

So when we examine the one-sided fantasy and start looking at and adding?all the downsides, we break the fantasy of being all positive and reveal that in actuality the event has both pros and cons.

In Helen's case. I asked her what would be the disadvantages of letting the staff members go and being totally cool, calm and collected?

After some deep thinking, she shared:

• I would come across as cold and detached, which will probably make them feel worse.
• It becomes a simple transaction rather than showing that I really care about them.
• They feel this is easy for me so feel unappreciated and undervalued.

Helen could now see that her ideal version, which was triggering anxiety, actually had some important downsides.

Onto our next part...

Fear is the assumption that something real or imagined, either now or in the future, will cause you more distress than comfort.

To balance this side of the equation, I asked Helen "What would be the benefit if you were to show emotion during this process?"

After some deep thinking. she shared:

• It would show I care, I'm human and I understand this is difficult for them.
• It would let them know this isn't easy for me, which softens their anger or disappointment and makes communication easier.
• It gives them permission to share any emotions they want to and allows them to say what they really feel, giving me better feedback.

Helen could now see that even if the thing she feared happening, actually happened, it would come with a surprising number of powerful benefits.

Let's bring it all together...

Now she had a balanced view about being cool, calm and collected and could see that that did have some important downsides.

(Fantasy + drawbacks)

Minus

Understanding that the thing she thought of as being negative, when seen in the wider context of all the benefits it would bring, was actually not something to fear at all.

(Fear / benefits)

As she could now see that whatever way the situation played out she could work it to her advantage, she felt certain she could do it and she was confident she could manage whatever situation arose.

Summary

By taking a goal or objective, finding out what hidden fantasies you have about it, as well as looking at the learning and the lessons you'll get out of what you're afraid of happening, you balance both sides of the equation.

From the brains point of view, this means the electrical charge on both the positive and negative aspects are neutral, and so your brain is quiet and still.

A quiet and still mind is a certain and confident one.

How could apply some mental maths?

What goal or objective could you apply this equation to?

Until next time,?

Danny