Confessions of a Suicide Survivor

It's been over 14 years since I attempted taking my own life.

I hadn't planned it. I didn't set a date. It wasn't something I had meticulously thought over in my head in the lead up to it. I had had thoughts but never really gave them too much ammunition. But, on this particular afternoon, I found myself uncontrollably crying on the kitchen floor and I just couldn't cope with the pain anymore.

Prior to this day, I am not sure anyone knew that I was struggling with my health. If they noticed, they certainly didn't say anything.

I got up everyday, I threw myself into work, working every hour I could. The distraction was a help. I went out with friends, I socialised, I went on holidays, I joined classes. It seemed to the outside world like there was nothing wrong. It became part of the reason why I didn't get ask for help. Afraid of how that might impact my career opportunities, of what my friends would think, how disappointed my family would be.

But behind closed doors, it was just darkness. There was an intensity to it that even now I can't describe. Because it wasn't a pain like when you cut your finger, its depth was so void, so empty and so hollow, yet its intensity was overpowering, a strength that pushed against you. Every little thing you tried to do was like pushing through sinking sand. With every step, you were pulled back deeper, failing at every chance to try and get yourself through it.

All the beauty of colours in the world had been drained. It was just bleak.

There wasn't really one moment that brought it to the forefront of my mind that afternoon. It hadn't been in response to a particular event. It was the culmination of years of struggling with depression, anxiety fuelled panic attacks that I had been battling with for over 7 years, in silence.

And like so many other days, I was exhausted.

Exhausted of trying to get through each day, so I could sleep because in sleep, I couldn't feel it.

And in that moment, I just couldn't fight anymore.

So I decided then and there. I grabbed a bunch of pills and some alcohol and took them. It still makes me wince, even when I talk about it now.

At some point, I blacked out and woke up in hospital, wired up to lots of things designed to keep things in my body functioning.

What happened in those immediate days after is a bit of a blur. I was under constant surveillance - people around me afraid that if I was out of site, I might do something again. I was numb as I came to terms with the magnitude of what was surrounding me.

It took me a while. I was signed off from work, with a different reason. Even then, afraid of what might happen if people know.

But it wasn't for a few weeks after, that I realised that my suicide attempt wasn't because I wanted to end my life. I wanted to end my pain.

I finally got the help I needed and saw a Psychotherapist who helped me get my life back. Who helped me take on the demons that plagued me and conquer them. Who taught me that helping ourselves, isn't a weakness, its a strength. I then went on a journey of self discovery, finding ways to get through the difficulties in life, to overcome anxiety, to stop panic attacks, to recover from depression. And here's what I learnt:

• Recovering from depression, from anxiety, from mental illnesses, takes time. Its a difficult journey, with many bumps and some times really shit storms. But there are also beautiful views that take your breath away, sunshine that makes you glow and roads that you can't wait to explore.
• Sometimes, help can be found in the unlikeliest of places, in the unlikeliest of people at the unlikeliest of times. Don't wait.
• Mental ill health does not mean you are a failure. Ever.
• Support, encouragement, people to talk to are so important but sometimes, that isn't an option. Finding ways to live with you is the most powerful therapy.
• Mental ill health doesn't define you or the paths that you can take. If anyone makes you feel like you can't succeed at something because of your mental ill health, they aren't worth your time. So stick two fingers up and prove them wrong. Success, love, happiness, joy, excitement - whatever it is, you go after it. It's yours.
• There is nothing in this life that can't be worked through. We all have the strength within us, we all have the resilience - sometimes, we just need help finding it.

And 14 years later, after a hugely successful career in industries that I loved, a business sprung up from it and I've made it my mission to help transform organisations cultures so that we work to promote positive mental health & wellbeing so their employees thrive. That we work to prevent poor mental health, and we support those who do struggle with their health.

And in doing so, we make sure that no one ever feels like that they can't ask for help.

We make sure that no one suffers in silence.