Confessions of a Secret Shopper

No one notices me. As a single man with no children I should be used to that. There is still power in that. Don't fool with someone who has a long memory. When you go somewhere to meet connections face to face- none of the people met for the first time became connections.

Why am I talking about this again? Because there was a Zoom call featuring various alumni. I said one thing and was muted. It wasn't controversial- I answered a question and they slapped the zipper on my mouth as if I were talking to Beetlejuice.

I haven't seen Beetlejuice in years. Watching the new film reminded me of various points. Like when Winona Ryder was an interesting actress? Another story, another article. She lost it in Reality Bites and I decided to listen for the remainder of the call.

No one asked my opinion so I observed. Many spoke of the value of sessions. I famously said "Going to No Longer Virtual for the session is like reading Playboy for the articles." You might find something valuable. You go for the female talent.

I wouldn't know if Playgirl had articles. Playboy had articles on par with Esquire. I miss periodicals. I attend the conference for the relationships and an exchange of ideas. When people are only there to perpetuate their coaching business- the floor caved in and I could not find anywhere solid to stand.

Three things died that day. If I have to die one thousand deaths, this sped the process more than expected. I would rather live a better life and die the one at the end no one can avoid. The first death was:

Clifton Strengths Finder

Sarah believes in this. I lost faith when questions were answered vaguely and I was given definitive answers. None of the ones who looked down on me (there were more in this room than any time before or since) gave me a pass because they had similar strengths.

I cannot say why I did not have "Woo". Not that Jada Pinkett movie I never watched or the way Little Richard ended verses. It is an acronym for "Win Over Others." I tried so hard to do this. People who were never satisfied remained dissatisfied with me.

That was in my childhood and when someone is "Never satisfied"- don't beat a dead horse. Whatever so called "Strengths" they claimed I have were redacted. It meant nothing to me then and did not save me from the worst day in recent memory where the next death was:

A Tribe

I'm lucky to have a pop up shop. It's like going to an Ice Hotel. Fascinating, well crafted and temporary. The "Tribe" fantasy is perpetuated by some who are friendly to me. Not everyone is. This group includes "Haves" and "Have Nots". Anyone can be nice. Some simply were not interested in that.

High school never ends. No clique would have me and the only real "Tribe" is solopreneurs. They compared notes and looked down on me because I have a job they do not understand. I worked every day of the pandemic and kept this country running while they worked from home.

I had Zoom fatigue after dealing with people who barely acknowledged me. In this call we were asked if the conference led to any collaborations. No. Not for me. Maybe a couple phone calls which were nice. The last death- I entered this conference expecting to see friendly faces. Some are nice to me. Others tolerate me because I show up. Don't do me any favors.

The good has to outweigh the bad. As I ate lunch with someone who did not treat me like a savage beast a few guests- I don't even recall who, specifically- turned the corner, saw me and turned around in disgust as if I had leprosy. I am not human and this group reminded me of this fact.

They only like me if I can do something for them. That is not a relationship. It would have been one more bad moment on a day when I failed to turn things around. The disappointment came when I was victim shamed.

"Do you think what you are putting into the world caused them to feel this way about you?" Good thing I wasn't raped. The question was posed as if I were asking for it. No one asks for it and never again would I believe in:

The Law of Attraction

The person who posed this question seemed to do it from a coaching perspective. He was talking to me during lunch. I did not offend him nor would I. How could I control people who could not even pretend to tolerate me? It was one more disappointment.

The most disappointing facet of the most disappointing conference was I had no chance to listen to others. I did that through the Zoom call. There is no reason to be the center of attention and I might interject.

I saw many people's true faces. The Rachel Druckenmiller ideal of "You matter" was not my reality. Not on that day, not with that group. I shall continue doing business. There are certain relationships worth perpetuating. Not everyone is equally friendly or interesting.

As I exited in failure no one had any idea of my displeasure. Most did not care. Some people are not nice, some do not align with you. If they only care about how much money they can make- that attitude keeps me out of strip clubs. Ulterior motives have no place in this group.

Some think they can treat others like garbage; as if they are superior and I am inferior. That led to a comment to my hotel chain after I was ignored by a server. That story was told. The response came quickly and I was given points to make up for my displeasure.

I would not return to that hotel. There are many in the area under the same chain. I should know better than signing up for Zoom calls. Others will euphemism my bad feelings. That does not make me feel better. Not everyone is enjoying themselves just because you are.

Bringing me to Eddie Money. He performed a concert many classmates saw. I was not there. I heard various accounts of how it was not a good show, the value was bringing a toy to a needy child since this was a Christmas Charity Concert and others thought it was a great show.

It was the same concert. Sometimes the band is off, the sound is messed up and others will recall who they went with and what they did before and after even if the concert was not as good as expected.

I felt like a secret shopper. I am not going to give The Instagram Fantasy where everyone is smiling and having a good time. Some might as well have asked "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" If you have to ask you know the answer.