Confessions

I suffer from anxiety.
It’s as simple as that.
It might not be the catastrophic cause,
It might not be one that is merely evident,
But it is something that is there.
In the depths of the night,
I put on a smile,
whilst the rest of my brain is at war.
And that’s how it is.
And do you know what my problem is?
all it just takes is one night.
One missed message,
One missed call,
One
thing.
And suddenly I feel like the whole world is against me.
I feel like I’m the only one who has to feel the way I am,
Like I am the one who has to suffer when I know that is not true.
We all suffer, in different ways, in different places in our life.
And sometimes it takes a certain person to uncover what the brain truly thinks and what your brain feels inside.
See, we can say a thousand things,
we can feel a multitude of emotions,
but it is only when they all come colliding together when you feel overthrown.
It’s only when you examine your actions do you feel and see the truth.
Suddenly, I feel alone
I feel isolated.
I pin my happiness on people,
I want and need their acceptance.
It’s like a hunger that is never quenched.
I need them to be happy with me so that I can be finally happy with myself..
But no, that isn’t the case.
And that should be the case.
Seriously,
In life it’s not always about you,
It’s not always about me
And it’s not always about us.
Sometimes people don’t want to talk,
it’s really as simple as pie
Sometimes people just don’t want to be there.
Sometimes what you perceive something or someone to do is not what they actually do,
Sometimes it’s just an allusion in your own head.
Why is it that I am so insecure?
So insecure to the point that you need to be by my side for me to feel safe.
Why does it take me to convince myself that maybe someone does love me.
Why do I second guess everything and question peoples trust.
Are they using me?
Are they taking me as a fool?
These are words that play and twist through my inner folds and inner dimensions of my brain timelessly
I know I am worth something,
I know I was made with a purpose,
I know I was made to be something,
To make a change whether that be today, tomorrow, or in years to come –
Whether it be big or small who cares?
If it’s made a difference to someone’s life should it really matter how much I should care?
Or do I just want my name and fame to be up in lights and to be in the streets so that I can gain attention,
My ego needs to go, I can’t do this.
Why do I still feel like I need to be saved?
Why do I feel like there’s parts of the story missing?
Is it me being ungrateful? Not appreciating what I have?
I feel like I’m waiting for someone to magically make my mind calm,
When in reality,
I’m just waiting on myself.
It takes one thing to slowly make me forget every single nice word, every kind action that someone has ever done and suddenly just think the absolute worst.
I feel like I’m not good enough,
I question every act that I do,
I want to be isolated,
I want to hide,
I want to curl up in a ball and sleep.
Sometimes to find myself,
To find the person I am inside,
I have to immerse myself in a world of my own,
Go on a road trip with my mind to uncover the hidden maps,
The paper towns that lay within my soul.
We need to go through every country
Every city that has ever been created.
And find the source,
To find me.
~
[A.A.S]

Originally published at inspiritedminds.org.uk on December 7, 2015.