Confessions of a Big Fat Baby

Some insults are more endearing than others. My sister's son called me a "Big fat baby." Obviously he has seen his parent's wedding picture because I look like an oversize baby in that picture. My head is tilted to one side and the photographer said nothing.

I don't smile in posed pictures and was chastised for that. They said nothing about the tilt of my head which made me look like The Elephant Man. The great thing about having no friends or keeping distance is I never have to attend weddings.

Everyone I know was married long before we met or it happened after the relationship. Heck- it has been two years since I attended a funeral. This is a preferable ceremony.

As one of my longtime married friends says "Either way something dies." Paying proper homage to a life well lived is easier for me than doing the Chicken Dance.

None of which has to do with being "A Big Fat Baby." The cadence of this phrase makes it memorable. Children have a way with words. I shave on Monday and Thursday.

That is not particularly interesting. I saw my sister's family one Thursday. The next visit was Saturday and her son spoke of my "Beard." It's two days of growth. This is neither the military nor the New York Yankees- I am not shaving every day.

His father and grandfather have actual beards. This man is probably ten years from growing his own beard. Until that time he can speak of my "Beard". Children are observant and discuss a wide array of topics.

Why do I listen? Because I am a big fat baby. Being ignored by adults who did not care about my journey causes me to show interest in what children do. If you have time to look at pictures of someone's lunch on Instagram or someone mentioning they are in line at the bank while they use Twitter you have time to listen to children.

Certain combinations of words are funny. If I were called a big baby- that is an insult unless you are Glen Davis. Fat baby is not nice. "Big Fat Baby" has enough syllables to sound complimentary.

A colleague who worked security- it is fascinating we worked in the same building, I only saw him at work and we were in different companies- mentioned he had an outdoor detail. In the Arizona sun he tanned so well that he looked like a "Light skinned Black man."

If he said it made him look light skinned I would have understood. The full phrase flowed so well that I could envision a deep tan. Even I had a respectable tan during the Arizona years.

There is a shortage of pools and hot tubs in my present. None of which has to do with the right combination of words. I don't mind that title. Should I use that as my LinkedIn headline? It would open me to unnecessary rudeness. I had enough of that last month.