Confession and forgiveness: The journey to healing

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

We associate confession with religion.

Regrettably, the notion of religion and confession creates a culture of fear. We are made to feel bad, that we are ‘sinners’ in need of forgiveness less we be condemned. Sadly, as a result, so many people feel judged by the church (and God) and never want to enter its doors. As a result, they never hear the ‘good news’.

We are also often told that we must forgive.

But how do you forgive the partner who broke your trust, the rapist, the abuser, the pedophile?

Easier said than done.

Even repulsive to even contemplate.

And what is that all about anyway; so the offender can feel better and doesn’t have to pay for their crimes?

I have been fortunate and lived a blessed life, so far. I haven’t been the victim of abuse, a failed marriage. I haven’t lost someone close to me because of a crime. But because of my story of journeying with the victims and families of horrific abuse cases I had harboured ill-feeling, anger and resentment towards those I felt had contributed to their suffering. So deep was my anger and grief that it was destroying who I was and resulted in me developing an anxiety condition.

As I dealt with all those emotions and sought help for my mental health, I learned that 95% of physical illnesses can be attributed to trauma of some kind. Before then I had no idea how interconnected the body, mind and soul is.

As I walked a dark, narrow path with the help of a counsellor and my wonderful wife of 32 years, I realised that I had to forgive the person/s for what they had done.

Forgiveness, I realised, is not about the other person, but it is about me deciding not to let the impact of their actions control me anymore.

Forgiveness is not about letting the person off, but about my healing.

“I forgive you.”

Powerful words said in private.

Powerful words written down.

Powerful words said out loud.

A weight relieved.

But strangely, not quite.

The resentment was still there. As was the anger and the anxiety and all the other physical symptoms.

Then, in the middle of yet another dark, lonely, anxious sleepless night in October 2022 I realised what I needed to do.

Forgiveness was not enough.

I also needed to repent.

I need to confess my part.

Graciously, the person who had become the focus of my resentment allowed me to confess my sins to them. I begged for their forgiveness for the anger I was still holding onto.

Then something remarkable happened.

That person didn’t say sorry. They didn’t apologise. But something inside me immediately changed.

The darkness, the anger and the resultant physical pain lifted. That night, and every night thereafter I slept well again.

You see, confession isn’t about me being a bad person.

It isn’t about me needing to save myself from damnation, or even to prove myself to God. It is the good news Jesus spoke about because it is about my own healing, my own restoration and the restoration of relationships. For it is relationships with each other, and with God that gives us true life.

“Confess your sins to one another … that you may be healed.”

I have found this to be true.

It is about life.

It is a gift.