Conference Call Repine

Of the many things people don’t love about work

And reasons they find to waste time and shirk

There’s one for me that sits high above all

The king of all reasons: The conference call.

Assemble in conference room B for an hour

Of outward displays of indifference and lour

Helplessly joining the ranks of the thrall

Each one lamenting the conference call.

The chimes of participants joining the fray

Signal the start of the awkward soiree

“We’re here on this end, just waiting for Paul”

So we can begin with the conference call.

Let’s do introductions before we begin

With everyone talking at once in a din

“You go, no you go, excuse me, hi all!”

It’s time to embark on our conference call.

Sarah in Cleveland, Mike in LA

Dave, it turns out, had vacation today

Carol in London, Bill is AWOL

But let’s go ahead with the conference call.

Now that we’ve dispensed with the thorny crosstalk

And now that we’ve already burned half the clock

Let’s refill our coffees, sit nice and tall

And dive right in to this conference call.

Oh, one last thing before we get started

To ensure your valuable wisdom’s imparted

Say who you are each time you extol

To keep things straight on our conference call.

First let’s make sure everyone is okay

With the facts of the meeting we had last Tuesday

Rehash all decisions, data, et al

As a way to get into our conference call.

Thirty-one minutes, no substance within it

Is it possible I may have blacked out for a minute?

Just as we finally get to talk shop

Paul joins the call and we start from the top.

Somebody’s phone alarm sends up a flare

That we need to wrap up this unfertile affair.

With intros and small talk and witty retorts

No has uttered a word of import.

“let’s take it offline, we’ll regroup on this end”

“I have another meeting I need to attend”

But... when will the actual meeting begin?

I was clean shaven before I came in!

We’ve talked about what we discussed last week

And what we’ll discuss the next time that we speak

But I don’t recall a single word during this tryst

That referenced today’s discussion list!!

The moral, I’d say, of this tormented tale

Is that all of this could’ve been done by email.

One final thought before my secession

From a sixty two-minute long fruitless convention

Some truth I’d like to admit to y’all…

I wrote this during a conference call.