Conditions for graceful transitions

Movies fascinate me, because they provide a reflection of life and aspects of it that one can recognize oneself in. They expand the mind, enable empathy and provide different perspectives.?

Sometimes you don’t know you’re going through something, until you see or hear something in a movie that moves you. Then you start asking yourself ‘why am I crying’??

I will be 43 in May. I am becoming old. The first strands of silver hair and wrinkles around the eyes are appearing, and I realize that I am having difficulty letting go of youthfulness. It hurts to know that the transition has started and the next big thing in life could only be death itself. Ok, that may be an over dramatization, but you know what I mean. A new phase is starting, and every change is painful.

Well, I’m only human, I tell myself. It’s perfectly fine to wallow in self-pity from time to time. This is an emotion I better acknowledge rather than push aside.?

There is only one way to deal with this, and that is to embrace it and be grateful. As actor Andi McDowell said in this interview: ‘I want to be old!’ The odd thing is, it’s not so much the physical transition that makes me anxious, it’s the notion that I question whether I’ve achieved the mental and spiritual maturity that must go with this age. Andi goes on to say that she is grateful for her age, since it has brought her the experience of knowing true love, empathy and understanding.?

I, however, don’t think we achieve those things automatically with age. It takes self-reflection, humilty and a whole lot of self-compassion to appreciate the course of life that you have had and what it has brought you. I still am an ungrateful brat sometimes. I do get angry over petty things, and I still want to hold on to things that I have no business holding on to.?

Where is this personal reflection going, and why is it on LinkedIn, you might wonder. Hold on just a little longer.

I work in HR now. And as in every other sector I know, undergoing change is the main theme. The effect of change on the human psyche is something that extremely interests me. How do we deal with change? How do we support change in attitude and behaviour? Being able to acknowledge that our external conditions are constantly changing and need us to adapt to those changes has always been our Darwinian survival mechanism. We know something must change, with our mind, but then we need to stretch ourself to actually embrace that change. And with the stretch comes the tears, as I experience with aging.?

My realization is that we need a little more than just a handkerchief to wipe the tears that come with all that stretching. We need mini time outs to reflect, so we can acknowledge what we have achieved, be grateful for it and internalize the gifts that those changes have given us. We then need to become comfortable with the idea that we then have to let go in order to move on and learn new things. And we also need compassion for all the times that we forget and continue doing exactly those things we said we wouldn't do anymore.

The challenge is not just time, but safety. Change touches the deepest core of our identity; we are not who we think we are! That realisation makes us feel vulnerable and it can even lead to a temporary destabilisation of one's mental health. So leading change requires deliberate and carefully curated experiences and conditions to guide people into a different mindset, skills or way of work. It requires others around us to be just as vulnerable or at least respectful to that effort of self-reflection, stretching and 'crying'.?

It must be a part of every organisation culture to nourish this growth and guide people into their next stage.?

There are different ways to achieve this sense of safety to grow and learn. To start with, as with movies I mentioned earlier, we must project the story we want others to recognize themselves in. The change is then inherent to the situation. We also need peers to build each other up and praise the effort of growth. We need to talk about it and adapt our way of perceiving ourselves in accordance with that altered state.??And we need time and practice to remind ourselves of that new altered state, with leaders guiding that process. And this cycle will repeat itself again and again, with the only constant factor being the tools we have developed ourselves to embrace change, namely: reflection, compassion, humilty and time. May we all grow (old) in safety and comradery.?