Computer says no.

Whenever I present to a group, I wait for a particular type of person to tell me that they are not, under any circumstance, interested in picking up what I’m putting down.

Regardless of the question, the answer is always no.

It doesn’t really matter what I share, they’ve already decided they’re not into it.

I call these people ‘Computer Says No’.

It sounds a little like this:

• ‘I really don’t see how that could possibly work …’
• ‘You know Rachel, we’ve actually done this type of thing before [unrelated problem] …’
• ‘There’s a very specific context you won't know about and it’s [unrelated context] …’

What’s with that?

The intent of these types of statements would, from the outset, seem to convey,?‘Hey Rachel, if you really knew what you were talking about you would figure out this obscure test’.

But I’ve learned that these types of comments aren’t about criticising me, or my worth, or even my ideas.

Rather, it’s a type of defence mechanism.

And it derails the conversation from the wider group who is interested in learning.

What to do about it?

Behind these ‘tests’ is something else we can work with. These are ‘bids’.

A bid is an emotional (verbal or non vebal) cue, asking to connect.

A bid is any way someone communicates with someone else, hoping for a response.

A bid can be as small as saying ‘Hey, I’m here’, or as big as inviting someone to collaborate with you. It can be as serious as asking your boss for feedback or as trivial as asking your housemate to throw loo roll into the bathroom when you’re a little, er, compromised.

What all bids share is a craving for connection. To be heard and validated.

Whenever you make a bid with someone, you’re asking for a connection. You want someone else to validate it.

No one said bids would always be charming.

We don’t feel great all the time. We won’t always communicate well. Sometimes our bids will be grumpy, sarcastic, critical, hurtful, crass, silly, funny, shocking, lazy or even surprising.

In the case of Computer Says No, this ‘bid’ connection request is delivered in the gift of an intellectual challenge.

And in that bid is the hope that you can break through and connect with them on their level.

As a person choosing to communicate, you can contribute to the tone.

A beautiful lesson my mum taught me was that to make something positive work, someone needs to reach their hand out first. The idea being, instead of waiting for someone else to do the heavy lifting and complaining about it, why not be a part of the solution and make the first move.

And I’ve tried to embrace this, whenever going into a conversation with someone who isn’t me.

I’m not always successful, but my intent is that I make the decision before I go in, that regardless of how many Computer Says No’s or other archetypes (I will happily tell you more about these in our?advanced stakeholder engagement training!) I meet, I will choose to see how other people communicate as a ‘bid’.

If I accept that a bid - in all its shapes and forms, including those that are enthusiastic, critical or sarcastic - is a request to connect, to be validated and seen, I can remove any mind drama about feeling ‘offended’ and focus on getting their needs met.

I don’t have to understand the content and I don’t have to indulge inappropriate behaviour.??

But I have chosen, that regardless of the package of the bid, in my presence, if and where I can, I will validate it.

That means I make a decision before I communicate. A quiet ‘pep talk’ with myself before I open my mouth.

I decide - in advance - that all bids are worthy of my time, attention and affirmation. A bid is a bid, and I’ve chosen to affirm it.

This has led to me creating a very specific set of tools for Computer Says No’s.

If this resonates with you, you might value these tips.

• Front loading critiques.?A Computer Says No feels they have heard and seen it all. Whatever we say looks, feels and sounds like countless promises they’ve heard before. To meet them where they are, we can ‘front load critique’ of what we plan to share with them, presenting our point of view and an opinion or research that contradicts this in a very specific context. What this communicates is that you have already applied critical thinking to what you’re presenting, and as a result, you’re more likely to have a robust sense of how your content fits into a very particular context.
• Be literal.?A Computer Says No is often a literal and analytical thinker. If you learn best through a story, don’t forget to use examples both figuratively and literally.
• Don’t say it, show it.?A Computer Says No is disillusioned by previous broken promises, crappy experiences, empty gestures, general incompetence and is extremely wary of anything that sounds like motivational hyperbole. To give them confidence, we can make sure we always do what we say we will do, from a small bid ("I’ll send you the PDF after the training!"), to a large one ("We should get coffee!"). Get in the habit of making sure you honour your promises and if you can’t deliver those, don’t ever promise them. (A great building trust hack, too).
• Acknowledge suspicions early.?A Computer Says No is extremely unimpressed with names like Happiness Concierge. Acknowledge the suspicion people might have about the topic you are enthusiastic about by outlining your intent explicitly from the beginning, your understanding of why you are there and how you believe what you are teaching can be applied in their context.
• Call out the elephant in the room.?To give them faith you are self aware enough to see outside of yourself, call the elephant in the room out early on: own what you are there to talk about and what you are not there to discuss.
• If in group exercise, give them a specific job.?A Computer Says No is quick to isolate other members of the group who might find their disagreeable nature critical, so be sure to be explicit about how they can contribute their expertise (critical thinking, analytical thinking, experience) by suggesting what niche they can add their expertise into. For example, instead of ‘What feedback do you have?’, try ‘I’d love to hear one way this would work in your department and where there’d be a tricky circumstance to navigate’. You can also pair analytical thinkers with a Computer Says No so they can intellectually have a ball.
• Stretch them intellectually.?Give a Computer Says No an advanced, or complex, problem to stretch their thinking and make sure you are explicit about why you’ve chosen them. For example, ‘I understand you have a very specific context you can apply to this problem we can learn from’, is both affirming and true.
• Acknowledge their specific context.?A Computer Says No is hyper aware of context. Instead of ‘What is everyone’s opinion?’, try, ‘How can we apply this idea to your specific scenario? Where would this work? Where would this require a different approach?’

Rather than get irked by what looks like inhospitable behaviour, instead, try seeing it as a ‘bid’.

With this acknowledged, you can see the bid for what it is: a craving for connection and respect. And you can connect with someone any way you like as long as it’s genuine.

Acknowledging a bid is one way to learn more about people in a genuine way.

If this resonated with you, imagine what it could be like when your team’s bids are acknowledged and people know how to validate their teammates.

Learn more about our communication training.

Take care, Arohanui,

Rachel and the team at Happiness Concierge.