Feeling like no one cares because you complained about being overburdened but nothing changed? Here's one possible reason + the solution
The reason you haven't seen substantial changes since complaining about being overburdened at work or home might not be because others aren't caring enough about you, but because you aren't clearly asking for what you want.
A common mistake I see many servant leaders make, and that I made myself way too many times, is that they complain by focusing exclusively on what’s bothering them instead of also asking for what they want.
And when they do that, the people from whom they’re requesting the change are being left with a very clear feeling they’re doing something wrong, but pretty much in the dark about how to remedy it.
This, in turn, leaves the requester feeling even worse than prior to speaking up because now they’re thinking: “I even told them what’s bothering me and still they’re not changing anything!”
Whereas if they would ask specifically for what they want, in addition to explaining how the current way of doing things is affecting them, the other person would have a clear path of action.
This leaves us with two questions:
1) Why is it so hard for most people to clearly ask for what they want?
and
2) How exactly to ask in a clear manner that leads to a change?
To answer the first question we need to clarify one thing. Asking directly and clearly for what you want can be difficult for multiple reasons, especially, as we’re about to see, hidden subconscious ones.
In this post, I’m going to address just one of them - and that’s the fact that we tend to attribute negative innate character traits to people whenever we’re feeling hurt by their actions, which makes us feel like there’s no point in even asking.
If their character is flawed, and changing one’s character is, well, basically impossible, how can we expect them to change their ways, right?
This is also known as the Fundamental Attribution Error, one of the fascinating shortcuts our brains take to make quicker decisions.
But when it comes to human relationships, I hope you agree with me that making an accurate judgment is much more beneficial than making a quick one.
So if it's not a matter of character, what is it?
It’s been proven again and again that people do change, but only when the three driving forces behind behavior change: the rational side, the emotional side, and the environment in which the change is supposed to happen.
The Heath Brothers, behavioral change specialists talk about these 3 criteria in their book called ‘Switch’, which I dearly recommend to anyone interested in influencing others and changing the world.
In order to understand how your brain's rational and emotional sides work together, imagine that your brain is a rational rider, sitting on top of an emotional, stubborn elephant, trying to direct it.
Originally introduced by Jonathan Haidt in The Happiness Hypothesis, the Heath brothers pick it up and use it as the common thread of Switch.
What this means is that if you want to influence someone’s rider, the elephant, and the path they’re on, you need to:
If you’ve already told the people involved how being overburdened affects you, you’ve already spoken to their Elephant because the truth is that we are all wired for pleasing others. So you can rest assured that your manager or spouse knowing you’re unhappy is affecting them.
But this is just step #2 - motivating the elephant. For a change to truly happen, you also need to address steps #1 and #3.
Where most people go wrong is that they start building a case against the other person, trying endlessly to elicit feelings of care from them, instead of making it easy for everyone involved and providing simple and clear instructions of the change they want to see happen.
Here are a couple of examples.
There’s a world of difference between saying:
?“Everyone’s relying too much on me. I’m constantly the first one to come in the office and the last one to go”
and saying
?“I need 1-2 hours freed up in my daily schedule so that I can focus on Priority X. I identified a few of the meetings where I’m not necessarily needed and I think it would be most efficient if I just get a summary of them”
Let’s take another one:
?(NOT CLEAR) “I’m overwhelmed and I’ve got too much to do”
and
?(CLEAR) “I realized that whenever a peer goes on vacation, I seem to be the only one backing everyone up. I think we should create a rotation system instead so that I can also be on top of my workload”
If you start asking for what you want from those around you, by addressing not only their elephant but also their rider and the path, their positive response rate will grow to pretty much 100%.
Ever since I learned how to spark change in others by asking clearly for what I want, I’ve only received resistance from the people around me, even the most difficult ones, only when one or both of us were extremely tired. Other than that, it works like a charm every time.
Learning how to ask for your needs to be met without sounding needy or bossy and without creating resistance is one of the things I help my clients with in my 1-on-1 coaching program, that helps exhausted servant leaders learn how to overdeliver by creating safety, trust, and belonging instead of having to sacrifice their time and needs.
I also help them learn how to motivate those around them to give them more support and take up more responsibility, and how to recharge their emotional and mental batteries without having to take time off or disappoint anyone they care about.
PM me if interested in this program and we will chat to see if you're a good fit; if so, we can get you started right away?:)