Compilation About Communicating Problems
During the College Championship Football Game, the Holy Spirit told me to do a compilation about communicating problems. Now days it is not just with the wrong use of the tongue, but communicating by typing messages via the Internet like we do in Skype and Facebook Messenger.
James 1:
22 But prove yourselves doers of the Word,
and not merely hearers who delude themselves.
23 For if anyone is a hearer of the Word and not a doer,
he {or she} is like a man {or woman}
who looks at his {or her} natural face in a mirror;
24 for {once} he {or she} has looked at himself {or herself} and gone away,
he {or she} has immediately forgotten what kind of person he {or she} was.
25 But one who looks intently at the perfect Law of liberty and abides by it,
not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer,
this man {or woman} will be blessed in what he {or she} does.
26 If anyone thinks himself {or herself} to be religious,
and yet does not bridle his {or her} tongue but deceives his {or her} {own} heart,
this man's {or woman’s} religion is worthless.
27 Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of {our} God and Father is this:
to visit orphans and widows in their distress,
and to keep oneself unstained by the World.
James 3:
1 Let not many of you become teachers, my brothers {and sisters},
knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment.
2 For we all stumble in many ways.
If anyone does not stumble in what he {or she} says,
he {or she} is a perfect man (or woman), able to bridle the whole body as well.
3 Now if we put the bits into the horses' mouths so that they will obey us,
we direct their entire body as well.
4 Look at the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds,
are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires.
5 So also the tongue is a small part of the body,
and {yet} it boasts of great things.
See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!
6 And the tongue is a fire, the {very} world of iniquity;
the tongue is set among our members
as that which defiles the entire body,
and sets on fire the course of {our} life,
and is set on fire by Hell.
7 For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea,
is tamed and has been tamed by the human race.
8 But no one can tame the tongue;
{it is} a restless evil and full of deadly poison.
9 With it we bless {our} Lord and Father,
and with it we curse men (or women), who have been made in the likeness of God;
10 from the same mouth come {both} blessing and cursing.
My brothers {and sisters}, these things ought not to be this way.
11 Does a fountain send out from the same opening {both} fresh and bitter {water?}
12 Can a fig tree, my brothers {and sisters}, produce olives, or a vine produce figs?
Nor {can} salt water produce fresh.
13 Who among you is wise and understanding?
Let him {or her} show by his {or her} good behavior his {or her} deeds
in the gentleness of wisdom.
14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart,
do not be arrogant and {so} lie against the Truth.
15 This wisdom is not that which comes down from above,
but is Earthly, natural, demonic.
16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist,
there is disorder and every evil thing.
17 But the wisdom from above is
first pure,
then peaceable, gentle, reasonable,
full of mercy and good fruits,
unwavering,
without hypocrisy.
18 And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace
by those who make peace.
My Tongue Is Out Of Control
Dear ABBA Father,
I've done it again! I've said something I shouldn't, and I can't unsay it. Sometimes I can hardly believe the words that come out of my mouth. Today I hurt someone I care about very much, at other times I've revealed confidences that were not mine to reveal, and sometimes I say things that are just plain stupid.
Where do these things come from? Can I learn to control this tongue?
Your
Mouthy child
Dear Child,
The power of the tongue is amazing, Isn't it? It's power is like the power of fire. One little spark can set a whole forest ablaze. Words can wound as surely and swiftly as swords and arrows.
But there is hope for you; you can learn to control what comes out of your mouth. Start out by saying less. Remember that I am in Heaven and you are on Earth, and let your words be few. The more you talk, the greater your chance is of saying something wrong. Wise people know to hold their tongues. Why even a fool is thought wise, if he keeps silent!
As to the origin of the words that come out of your mouth. They come from your heart! So if you want to clean up your heart-for it is out of the overflow of your heart that your mouth speaks.
But there's a positive side to all this too. Your words also have great power for good. One kind word from you can cheer up a friend. A gentle response in a heated discussion can sooth angry feelings. The right word is as beautiful as golden apples in a silver basket.
Be encouraged, My child, for as My Spirit continues to have His way in you, the results will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Your loving ABBA Father
Love, Avery and Patricia Jones, Believers Missionary Outreach, Inc.
The Tongue
(from: [email protected])
It is a helpful tool
That is used as a dangerous weapon.
It is so light
Yet we fail to hold it
Instead of using it as a magic wand
To tap a bit of encouragement upon one’s heart
Or a smile upon one’s face
We use it as a sword to cut people down
Leaving their hearts broken
And their self-esteem low
Instead of using it
To turn ourselves into little angels
Placing blessings upon one’s life
We use it to turn ourselves
Into fire-breathing dragons
Who insists on one’s life being taken
We use it to curse others
Not realizing we are really cursing ourselves
We must learn to hold this dangerous weapon
Before we kill others as well as ourselves
We must learn to watch the words
That we allow to roll off of it
We must allow it to be known
As a piece of gold from Heaven
Instead of the flames from Hell
From https://www.geocities.com/ladybettycraft/biblestudy.html
My favorite inspirational verses for this month is... James 3:6-10
(6) The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by Hell. (7) All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, (8) but no man can tame the tongue. It is restless evil, full of deadly poison. (9) With the tongue
we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's
likeness. (10) Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers this should not be.
James compares the damage the tongue can do with a raging fire- the tongue's wickedness has it's source in hell itself. The uncontrolled tongue can do terrible damage. Satan uses the tongue to divide people and pit them against one another. Idle and hateful words are damaging because they spread destruction quickly, and no one can stop the results once they are spoken. We dare not be careless with what we say, thinking we can apologize later, because even if we do, the scars remain. It is better to fight a fire than go around starting a new one. Before you speak, remember that words are like fire- you can neither control nor reverse the damage they can do. Remember we are not fighting the tongue's fire in our own strength. The Holy Spirit will give us increasing power to monitor and control what we say, so that when we are offended, the Spirit will remind us of God's love, and we won't react in a hateful manner. When we are criticized, the Spirit will heal the hurt and we won't lash out.
Sins of the Tongue
(by James L. Melton)
Note: I disagree with the title because the tongue does not have a mind of its own. It is only the slave of one's mind or “spiritual heart”. Same for our fingers that we use to write things. So the main question is how does your mind and “heart” work-- how do they sin or be righteous?
Much can be said of a person's character by the way they use their tongue. Sanaca once said, “Speech is the index of the mind.” Jesus said that “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.” (Matthew 12:34) According to Proverbs 18:21, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” In James 3:6, the Bible says that the tongue is “a fire, a world of iniquity”, and James 3:8 calls the tongue a “deadly poison.” As a fool would carelessly play and prank with a loaded gun, so many Christians today do likewise with their deadly tongue. If only we could fully realize the untold damage that we are doing to the body of Christ! If only we could see the full effect of the words we use!
Perhaps a closer look into the Bible can help. God made man, and God made man's tongue, so surely God should be qualified to comment on the subject. Surely God should have some good counsel concerning the use and misuse of the human tongue. Let us consider some sins of the tongue as we find them revealed in God's Word.
The Lying Tongue
Proverbs 25:18 says, “A man that beareth false witness against his neighbour is a maul, and a sword, and a sharp arrow.” So a lying tongue is a misuse of a deadly weapon. It can be used to harm others near at hand (a maul), a few feet away (a sword), or a great distance away (an arrow). Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44), and God said that he hates a lying tongue (Pro. 6:17). All liars will have their part in the Lake of Fire, according to Revelation 21:8.
The Flattering Tongue
Flattery is also a sin of the tongue. The Bible speaks of flattery as a characteristic of the wicked, not the righteous: “For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue.” (Psalm 5:9) Imagine the improvements which could be made in our nation if voters elected leaders on the basis of the RECORD rather than on the basis of the flattering speeches! Flattery is just a form of lying, and it has no place in the life of a Christian.
The Proud Tongue
The Bible also speaks of the proud tongue. Psalm 12:3-4 says, “The LORD shall cut off all flattering lips, and the tongue that speaketh proud things: Who have said, With our tongue will we prevail; our lips are our own: who is lord over us?” The most annoying Christians in the world are those with proud tongues because a proud tongue usually comes with two closed ears! Proud- tongued Christians are generally so full of themselves that they learn very little from anyone else. A proud-tongued Christian will talk much of his or her knowledge and service, but very little about the Lord.
In a church, a proud-tongued Christian will make all sorts of suggestions about how the church should function, yet his suggestions, if received, will place burdens on everyone but himself. A proud- tongued Christian is hard to teach or reason with because he thinks he knows everything. Friend, God hates a proud tongue. Allow the Holy Spirit to use your tongue in the way of humility and kindness because pride will only quench God's Spirit and damage your testimony.
The Overused Tongue
Some people sin by simply overusing their tongue. Ecclesiastes 5:3 says that “a fool's voice is known by multitude of words.” People think they appear smart by much talking, but the Bible states just the opposite. Ecclesiastes 5:2 says, “Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter any thing before God: for God is in heaven, and thou upon earth: therefore let thy words be few.” God doesn't like a blabber mouth. You say, “Well, that's just the way I am!” Then REPENT! Confess your sin and repent. Stop justifying your wickedness and ask God to help you repent.
The Swift Tongue
Some people are guilty of speaking too swiftly when they really need to wait before saying anything. God's word says the following in Proverbs 18:13: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” How many times have you had to “eat” your words because you spoke too swiftly? James 1:19 warns us to be swift to HEAR and SLOW to speak. Why do you suppose God gave us two ears but only one mouth?
The Backbiting Tongue
Proverbs 25:23 and Romans 1:30 make mention of a backbiting tongue. A backbiter is someone who uses their tongue against you when you aren't present, yet they will not face you with their charges when you are present. This is a cowardly backbiter who would rather stir up problems than solve problems.
A backbiter would much rather talk ABOUT the preacher than talk TO the preacher. A backbiter would much rather talk ABOUT some weak Christian in the church than offer some words of encouragement TO them. A backbiter is of no use to anyone, and no one has ever been strengthened or edified through backbiting. Beware of the backbiters, especially the ones who sow discord among brethren (Pro. 6:19)!
The Talebearing Tongue
Proverbs 18:8 says, “The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.” Leviticus 19:16 says, “Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people. . .” Every Christian has the duty to deny his own desires and seek to edify other Christians (Rom. 14:19; Philip. 2:3). Talebearing runs wholly contrary to Christian edification. Talebearing (carrying and telling tales) spreads all sorts of hurtful information around, and Satan uses such information to hinder and tear down God's work. A victim of talebearing, according to Proverbs, is a “wounded” person. God forbid that a Christian should wound another Christian, but it does happen all the time! Some Christians live as though they think God has “called” them to bear tales on other Christians. Many “Christian” newsletters are dedicated to informing the body of Christ on the latest news about someone's ministry or personal life. There are many nice words and phrases used to justify such conduct, but the Bible word is TALEBEARING.
The Cursing Tongue
Some people, Christians included, have a nasty habit of using their tongue for cursing. Romans 3:13-14 says, “Their throat is an open sepulcher; with their tongues they have used deceit; the poison of asps is under their lips: Whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness.” This passage deals strictly with unsaved people and their unGodly ways, yet there are a great many professing Christians who curse regularly. Friend, why would you want to identify yourself with someone whom God describes as being DEAD, DECEITFUL, and POISON?
“As he loved cursing, so let it come unto him: as he delighted not in blessing, so let it be far from him. As he clothed himself with cursing like as with his garment, so let it come into his bowels like water, and like oil into his bones.”(Psalm 109:17-18) Many people curse because their life is miserable. They are unhappy so they make it known with their degenerate speech. This text says that God keeps them unhappy BECAUSE of their speech! God curses those who curse! Christian, don't expect God's blessings when your mouth is filled with cursing.
The Piercing Tongue
Another sinful tongue is the piercing tongue. Proverbs 12:18 speaks of this tongue by saying, “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.” Some people have a sharp piercing tongue which Satan uses to offend and insult others. The Bible commands Christians to have their speech dominated by GRACE (Col. 4:6), yet most churches have a few people who use their tongue like a sword to pierce their brethren in Christ.
It was Teddy Roosevelt who said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick”, but the truth is that if you speak softly you won't need a big stick! Titus 2:8 commands us to use sound speech which cannot be condemned. Friend, do you use graceful speech which cannot be evil spoken of, or do you possess a piercing tongue? Every Christian's prayer should be, “Lord, make my words gracious and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.”
The Silent Tongue
A silent tongue is also a sinful tongue because we have been commanded to speak up and witness for the Lord Jesus Christ. In Acts 1:8, Jesus said, “But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.” We, as Christians, have an obligation to tell others about the saving grace of Jesus. To be silent about Christ is to sin against Christ. Jesus said, “Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.” (Mark 8:38) Christian friend, if you do not want to be ashamed of yourself when the Lord returns, then don't be ashamed of Jesus today. Pray for opportunities to speak up for your Savior. Don't be found guilty of having a silent tongue. “For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.” (James 3:2)
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How to Tame Your Tongue
Scott Slayton scottslayton.net
2016 23 Sept
I regret the foolish things I’ve said more than the foolish things I’ve done. The longer I have lived and read my Bible, the more I realized how much damage thoughtless and malicious words can do to people. These words belong in the same category for a simple reason- they come from the same place. Thoughtless words may not have the same piercing intention as malicious speech, but they proceed from a heart that is just as sick.
Too often we believe the tongue cannot be tamed, so we give up trying to restrain it at all. This is not an option for Christians, as we face too many Biblical admonitions telling us to control the words that come out of our mouths. James warns us that a small spark can start a large fire, and the tongue, though small, can leave behind a similar trail of destruction. Paul wrote to the congregation and reminded them that no unwholesome talk should come from the mouth of a believer, but only words that are conducive for giving edifying grace to the hearer. Jesus said the mouth speaks out of the overflow of the heart, thus making our words a window into our souls and the Proverbs contain countless warnings about the danger of an unbridled tongue.
Since the Bible commands us so often to exercise self-control in our speech, how do we actively work to restrain our words?
Know the Power of Your Words
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Proverbs 18:21
“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18
When I say our words have power, I don’t mean they have creative power in the same way that God’s words do. Rather what we see Solomon say in the Proverbs is that our words can tear down and destroy another person or they can build another person up. Notice the imagery Solomon used in 12:18. Words can act like sword thrusts, making sharp cuts into the soul of our friends and neighbors when we speak thoughtlessly. The offense may not have been intended, after all Solomon chooses the word “rash,” but thoughtless words can have the same effects as words spoken with malicious intent. When we speak without thinking, we can bring discouragement, frustration, and pain into the lives of people around us.
Thankfully Solomon offers an alternative to our words bringing death and pain. Our words can bring healing and life to other people. As Paul said in Ephesians 4, proper words spoken at the proper time and with the proper motive encourage, build up, challenge, and bring grace to the person who hears them. The point here is not that we are slapping people on the back and telling them what they want to hear, but rather than we speak in such a way that even our rebukes bring grace because they are fitly spoken for the purpose of helping the other person. Our words can hurt and destroy or help and heal, let us give thought so that they do the latter rather than the former.
Weigh Your Words
“Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life.” Proverbs 14:3
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13
In these two verses Solomon reminds us to think carefully before we speak. In 18:13, he shows the foolishness of speaking about a subject without hearing a matter out completely. How often in discussions with other people do we think about what we are going to say next rather than listening to what they have to say? I would argue that careful listening is one of the best ways to demonstrate wisdom in our current culture. So often we read something someone says and react without giving careful thought to their argument or respond to something someone says when we only halfway heard and understood what they were saying. Wisdom and genuine understanding call us to listen and then think about what we are going to say before we open our mouths.
Just because we have heard what another person said and thought about what we want to say, this doesn’t mean that we have to actually say the words we have formulated. In the passage in 14:3 Solomon tells us that the one who guards his mouth preserves his life. In the previous verse he said a man eats what is good from the fruit of his mouth. By this he means that the one who speaks wisely eats well because he reaps the rewards of wise speech. Since wise speech pays off but treacherous speech leads to violence, shouldn’t we vigilantly guard the words that come out of our mouths? We must think twice before we speak. The first time we carefully consider what we are going to say and then we ponder whether these words need to be said at all.
Don’t Mix Anger with Your Words
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
“A fools lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.” Proverbs 18:6
A quick temper can lead to a verbal bloodbath. When we get angry and start venting, we speak without any consideration to how what we are saying will affect the people around us. Our anger blinds us to anything but the thing we didn’t get, the situation that didn’t go our way, or the person who disappointed us. In our blowing off steam we do not spend one second thinking about how our words will wound those in our hearing. Instead we make ourselves feel better in a tirade that leaves destruction in its wake. Think about your last angry tirade. You probably don’t remember the things you said in the heat of the moment, but the people around you do.
One aspect of the fruit of the Spirit is self-control. Through the work of God’s Spirit in our lives we can begin to gain control both of our tempers and the words we say when we get angry. The key to dealing with our anger and the resulting verbal barrages that go along with it is to stop and cool off before we speak or act rashly. This can be done by simply getting away by yourself and taking a few minutes to think and pray. When we’re angry we have to regain the perspective we lose in moments of anger and get our spirits cooled down so that we can interact with people in a helpful way. Words spoken in anger will only stir up tension, but speaking calmly from a position of self-control will diffuse tense and difficult situations.
Our words have the capacity to do great things. With our mouths we can share the Gospel, pray, disciple, read Scripture, and sing songs to the Lord. The same mouth can also be used to tear down another person and to berate someone made in the image of God. James said these things cannot come from the same mouth, so we repent and rest in the forgiveness that is found in Christ when we’ve sinned with our lips. Then, through the grace we are shown in the Gospel and the power of God’s Spirit we seek to gain control of our tongues so they might be used again for God’s glory alone.
This article originally appeared on ScottSlayton.net. Used with permission.
Scott Slayton serves as Lead Pastor at Chelsea Village Baptist Church in Chelsea, AL and writes at his personal blog One Degree to Another: scottslayton.net. He and Beth have been married since 2003 and have four children. You can follow him on Twitter: @scottslayton.
SEE ALSO:
How to Take Compliments the Right Way
Why It's Wrong to Take God's Name in Vain
Should You Correct a Foolish Person or Stay Silent?
My policy has been in even a minor communication problem, I first "replay the tape of my memory about the incident" and I try to find wrong in what I said or/and did. If I observed any wrongs, I do what the Bible says to do: confess to God, commit to Proverbs 3:5-6 again so that I am Holy Spirit sensitive, and go to the individual in private with tactfulness and say what I am divinely urged. If I don't observe any wrongs, I again "replay the tape of my memory about the incident" and I try to watch it sympathetically to understand why the negative of the other person, If I find wrong in what he or she said or/and did, I again do what the Bible says to do: confess to God, commit to Proverbs 3:5-6 again so that I am Holy Spirit sensitive, and go to the individual in private with tactfulness and say what I am divinely urged.
CONFLICT STRATEGIES
1991 Conflict Strategies
Note: “(*)” indicates my choices from this list of possibilities.
Collaborate
1. I seek the other's help in working out a solution. (*)
2. I try to surface all of the other's concerns. (*)
3. I attempt to work on all concerns and issues in the open. (*)
4. I invite the other to join with me to deal with the differences between us. (*)
5. I encourage the other to stay with me in the conflict. (*)
6. I am concerned with satisfying all our wishes.
7. I usually seek the other's help in working out a solution.
8. I tell the other about the problem so we can work it out. (*)
9. When someone avoids conflict with me, I invite him/her to work it out with me. (*)
10. When someone threatens me, I assume we have a problem and invite him/her to work it out with me.
11. If the other and I are at a loss as to how to solve the disagreement, I would ask the advice of someone else.
12. I assume that in a conflict we will all be able to come out winners.
13. I assume we can work a conflict through.
14. I attempt to define our mutual problems jointly. (*)
15. I join with the other to gather data about our problems. (*)
Negotiate
1. I try to find a compromise solution. (*)
2. If I give up something, I expect the other to give up something.
3. I will give up some points in exchange for others. (*)
4. I propose a middle ground.
5. If it makes the other happy, I might let him/her retain some of his/her views.
6. I try to find a fair combination of gains and losses for both of us.
7. I try to find an intermediate position. (*)
8. I usually ask for more than I expect to get.
9. I calculate about how to get as much as I can, knowing I won't get everything.
10. I will give in a little so everybody get something he/she wants.
11. I believe that in order to succeed, one needs to be flexible most of the time in relating to others. (*)
12. I assume conflict management is the art of attaining the possible. (*)
13. In a conflict, everybody should come out with something though not everything that was expected. (*)
14. I only share that which is helpful to my case.
15. I assume that each of us must give up something for the good of the whole.
Persuade
1. Using logic, I try to convince the other of the value of my position. (*)
2. I make an effort to get my way.
3. I press my argument to get points made.
4. I tell him/her my ideas. (*)
5. I try to show the other the logic of my position. (*)
6. I am firm in pursuing my argument.
7. I try to show the logic and benefits of my position. (*)
8. I propose solutions to our problems. (*)
9. I try to gain the other's trust in order to get him/her on my side. (*)
10. I point out the faults in the other's arguments if necessary. (*)
11. I usually carefully prepare my case before joining the argument. (*)
12. I tell the other my view of the positives and the negatives of his/her argument.
13. When opposed, I can usually come up with a counter argument. (*)
14. I usually defend my ideas energetically when appropriate or necessary. (*)
15. I put together a logical argument in most conflicts.
Support
1. I actively listen to the other. (*)
2. I show empathy about the other's plight. (*)
3. I encourage the other to act for himself/herself.
4. I assume that giving advice creates dependence on me.
5. I usually repeat back or paraphrase what the other has said.
6. I don't try to persuade another about what should be done. I help him/her find his/her own way.
7. I am non-judgmental about what the other says or does.
8. I try to give advice, only to help the other find what he/she should do. (*)
9. I help the other take care of his/her own problems.
10. I try to put as little of myself forward as possible, attempting to utilize the strengths of the other.
11. In a disagreement or argument, I attempt to be understanding and fact-find. (*)
12. I try to help the other feel courage and power to manage his/her own problems. (*)
13. I support the other in trying to find the best way for him/her. (*)
14. I sympathize with the other's difficulties, but don't take responsibility for them. (*)
15. I express appropriate caring toward the other. (*)
Accommodate/Delay/Avoid
1. I let others take responsibility for solving the problem.
2. I will make an effort to go along with what the other wants. (*)
3. I might try to soothe the other's feelings to preserve our relationship. (*)
4. In order to keep the peace, I might sacrifice my own wishes for those of the other. (*)
5. I try to do what is necessary to avoid useless tensions. (*)
6. I try to avoid unpleasantness for myself. (*)
7. I try to postpone the issue until a later time. (*)
8. I believe that differences are usually not worth worrying about. (*)
9. I sometimes avoid taking positions which would create unpleasantness. (*)
10. I try not to hurt the other's feelings. (*)
11. I try to be considerate of the other's wishes. (*)
12. If the other's position is important to him/her, I would try to meet those wishes. (*)
13. I prefer to postpone unpleasant situations. (*)
14. I assume that relationships are more important than issues. (*)
Compel
1. I use whatever authority I have to convince the other of my position.
2. I don't let others abuse my rights.
3. I assert my rights.
4. I remind the other I am an authority on the subject we are dealing with.
5. I use the policy manual or the Constitution or Scripture as a backup for my position.
6. I subtly threaten our relationship if I don't get my way.
7. If disagreement continues, I mention or call in an authority who will support me. (*)
8. I offer rewards so the other will comply with my point of view.
9. I pout or withdraw when I don't get my way.
10. When I am right, I don't argue much; I just state my position and stand firm. (*)
11. I admonish the other to do as I say.
12. It is more important to be right than to be friendly.
13. I clearly prescribe my goals and expectations. (*)
14. I let the other know whether my requirements are being met.
15. If it is important, I will put pressure on the other to get what is needed.
Note: (*) indicates which ones I chose in response to a questionnaire of pairs to choose from.