Competition or collaboration? Uncovering the truth about the art of negotiation

"The stereotype of negotiation is that it's about being the biggest jerk in the room, that it's who's the loudest, who's the most aggressive, who takes the most at the other person's expense. The stereotype is that I win means you got to lose, and I beat you. That is not the case."

- Chris Voss, Former FBI lead international kidnapping negotiator

Every day we’re faced with making decision after decision. Some are miniscule and seemingly on auto-pilot, while others require serious consideration and deliberation. As part of the decision-making process, we often find ourselves negotiating. These negotiations have the ability to impact every aspect of our lives, from health and wealth to happiness and security. So why do we often dread it? And how can we position ourselves to “win” more often … without sacrificing relationships and reputations?

Let’s first think about how we come to understand the meaning of negotiating and winning. At an early age, children find themselves negotiating with brothers and sisters, bargaining for the first shower or the last cookie still warm on the baking tray. We may go on to play sports, where great coaches (and often parents!) reinforce how to both win and lose with grace, negotiating the obstacles along the path to either outcome. When we’re old enough to work for a living, we have settled into patterns and models of negotiating behavior, and rarely do we revisit how it impacts our perspectives, our work with others or our ability to succeed.

No matter where you are in your career, getting where you want to go requires an understanding and appreciation of the art in negotiating. To use it more meaningfully, we must leave the “win or lose” attitude behind and seek mutually beneficial outcomes that ultimately grow our hearts, our minds, our businesses and our collective success. Here are a few things my mentors, colleagues and career path have taught me that you might consider on your journey to becoming a better negotiator.

Find resources that enhance your approach

Believe it or not, negotiating to “win” means listening to the right people. Listening, really? Very few people in hot pursuit of specific outcomes want to listen first. As Chris Voss indicates in the opening quote of this article, the loudest voice tends to prevail. We want to get our point across, and to be heard. But isn’t there a much greater chance of that happening once we’ve taken the time to be patient enough to listen to our customers, clients, partner companies and employees who are also in search of increasing success?

For me, my journey to becoming a better listener has been fueled by two elements: great mentors and great books. I’ve sought the expertise of leaders both in and out of my field who have negotiated at tables with significantly higher stakes than most of us will ever face. I’ve also studied the approach of colleagues in the boardroom who have mastered what it means to negotiate with empathy and use it to problem solve collectively. I’ve enjoyed valuable lessons from books like “Give and Take” by Adam Grant and “Radical Candor” by Kim Scott, which show us the path to reciprocal generosity and giving. Adam Grant underscores that the new economy of collaboration, or negotiation, and success is based on how we interact with others in these give/take, win/lose scenarios.

As with any skill, repetition is required for honing your abilities. If you want a spark of negotiating expertise, you must find time to pull in mentors and resources that help you listen and learn to better evaluate and expand on your negotiating opportunities. Both trying and succeeding and trying and failing are part of honing your craft, so don’t get discouraged by small setbacks. Stay the course for more fulfilling wins over time.

Alter your mindset from the negotiation outset

It’s easy to get caught up in the simple math of negotiation as a plus or minus in your win column. But what if you shift your focus to the potential for multiplication within negotiation? Just like poker, some negotiators want a winner-takes-all game. These aggressive behaviors create wins, but do they create good reputations?

What I have learned, particularly in my experiences as a CEO, is that employees and industry marketplaces want fair and accomplished executives who take a balanced approach in their leadership. Just as employees desire the value of their careers and lives to be expanded, marketplaces seek the same for the businesses that uphold and grow them. Employees need attention and support in this career expansion, which serves as the basic negotiation of growth within companies’ talent pools.

“‘When you meet people,’ says former Apple evangelist and Silicon Valley legend Guy Kawasaki, regardless of who they are, ‘you should be asking yourself, “How can I help the other person?”’”

This principal applies to the act not just of meeting people, but also in coaching them. The very best coaching requires listening and the ability of leaders to negotiate by multiplying their support for employees. Again, you have to exercise this skill to be good at it, and to obtain a reputation as a multiplier rather than a taker.

Build bridges and relationships that deliver equity

In business, we operate to manage and grow. A large part of any growth is negotiating with people. Building trust is key, both in good times and in more complicated negotiating times, across every piece of the spectrum of negotiation — deal points, conflict, failing, fighting and reconciliation. This is only possible when you look at negotiation through a long-term lens.

Negotiation does create new paths, new grooves in the pavement of our relationships. So why are we afraid of conflict, particularly in these tough times? Do we fear that we will lose friends, clients or employees when negotiation gets tough? Of course we do. But when we approach negotiation as a collaboration tool, rather than a competitive sport, we can work toward both sides addressing the situation differently for mutual wins. This builds more bridges, which I think we can all agree is welcome in such times of deep-seated division.

John Lewis once said, “Never be afraid to get in good trouble, necessary trouble.” To help with this good trouble of negotiating, we need new friends and old ones to generate new networks, new communities and new equitable outcomes. Crafting the real negotiation win means learning how to listen, concede, multiply, and build long-lasting relationship bridges. The art of the possible is present in negotiation for mutual value. I hope you’ll join me in its pursuit.

Karen Fenaroli leverages 25+ years of CEO tenure, executive search consulting, and leadership experience to help high-growth businesses identify and evaluate critical executive and board member placements. As the most recognized expert and aggregator of diverse board talent in the country, Karen is sought after by leaders in the boardroom, the Fortune 1000 and private firms alike for direction and vision when implementing progressive methodologies that make it possible to achieve excellence and enhance the bottom line. Karen is the founder and CEO of Fenaroli & Associates, a futuristic talent consultancy with offices in five U.S. cities.