Compassionate witnessing: More important now than ever

“In separateness lies the world’s great misery, in compassion lies the world’s true strength.” ~Buddha

One evening several years ago, during a taxi ride home from a friend’s house, I witnessed a car accident. The car right in front of us hit, at speed, a bollard in the middle of the road, flipped and landed on its roof. In that moment and without thinking, I shouted for the taxi to stop and call 999, got out of the car and ran to the window which had been smashed, either from impact or from being broken in an attempt by the person inside to get out.

The person in the car must have been in shock as he looked at me from the car window, bleeding from the head and neck he struggled to climb through the window of the car. He said he was OK, and I helped pull him through the window. (I still have the scar on my hand from pulling him through the broken glass). The gentleman in question was no more than 40, his eyes were wide, and he looked in a terrible state of shock.

“It’s OK, we’ve called an Ambulance and told them what’s happened. They’ll be here in a minute.” And with that the man leaped to his feet and started to walk away with my shouting after him to come back and wait at least to get checked out. 

It turns out, that man had been heavily drinking and did not want to stay and get caught.

Disregarding the awful and appalling reason for the crash, this memory has stayed with me for many years as did the feeling of empowerment to help. In the moments following that accident I was a compassionate witness, a phrase that I have only just learned, but is ingrained in many of us.

I believe there are many occasions throughout our lives, big and small moments, when we are called upon to be just this. 

Do we all have a work Alter Ego?

Our current lock-down situation is one very relative example for a huge number of us, who are only just now realizing the day to day challenges and hardships that our loved ones may be facing every day at work.  

Many of us are working side by side with our partners and whilst previously knowing very little in regards to each other’s duties and responsibilities, are now thrown into listening to their calls, discussing emails and helping each other with certain work scenarios.

I personally feel that in these hard times of much pain and suffering we have also been given a real gift in allowing us to be really present with others. Not only for our partners, for whom many have a new found appreciation and respect for their loved ones careers and the stress that comes with them, but for all our loved ones, friends, and even people we don’t yet know.

We only have to turn on the TV to see the pressures that Covid has put on our NHS, Leisure and Retail industry and the many images and videos of these workers supporting and being there for one another. Its fantastic to see this sort of comradery and we can all take some learning from this.

How can we become a compassionate witness?

After speaking with many of those who have found themselves being introduced to their wife/partner/husband’s alter ego (myself included), I was interested to hear that some felt almost uncomfortable in responding to such a situation and seeing a part of their other half that they didn’t really know before.

Going back to my customer service and sales days where I underwent much research and training in order to provide my staff with workshops and role plays on demonstrating empathy, active listening and matching techniques, some of this insight may well be relevant in just this situation, not just at home, but when talking with family and friends.

•  Focus on understanding. Ask how they’re doing; how are they feeling; what do they need right now? Many people shy away from these questions as they are sometimes the hardest to hear the responses to. 
•  Demonstrate empathy. Being able to sense someone’s emotions and understand their perspective on something can be touch for some. You're likely familiar with the saying, "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes." Put this into practice.
• Match what you see. For example use their tone, facial expressions to show that you understand how the other person is feeling, even if they struggle to express it with words. Acknowledging that you are aware that they look a little down today, shows that you are present.
• Or, don’t feel obliged to say anything at all - your willingness to take the time to be with someone and listen, speaks more than a thousand words, as the saying goes.

Being a compassionate witness is a conscious decision and requires us to be present with the people in our lives, many of who could do with our understanding and support right now.

As little follow up on one of my previous blogs, where I discussed the effects of lock-down on parents who are not only having to cope with working from home, but also educating their children over the last 4 months, I hope that this again offers some insights to those who are in similar situations