Compassion for the Inner Imposter

I vividly remember the sense of fear that suffocated me when my father turned away and abandoned me and my family. Although I was only seven years old, it was time to step up and help take care of my family. From the very beginning, it seemed clear that I had been set up to fail.

My father’s absence, and the role it pushed me into, was a huge blow to my playful, childlike spirit. I no longer felt I had the freedom to play exuberantly the way I once had, the way all seven year olds should. I was saddled with real responsibility.

What is any child supposed to do with that?

Even if you don’t share my exact experience, it’s likely you can think back to some moment in which you felt overwhelmed by what was being asked of you. Perhaps your moment was connected to family, a friend, or to work.

Instead of living freely in a place I felt safe in, I saw myself as an imposter. I had taken on a role I wasn’t capable of filling, and knew I was going to fail. And any failure of my own would ultimately hurt my family, which induced fear and guilt.

Desperately, I did my best to perform. In the duality of being a child asked to act as an adult, I was overcome with a sense of not being adequate. While not everyone has had this exact experience, many can relate to the feeling of inadequacy. 

What are you afraid to face?

Feeling like an imposter is not something that magically happens, as all weeds come from seeds. Often those seeds were planted by someone who may not have had nefarious intent, but rather they themselves may have struggled with feeling not good enough. Such a person will often project their own issues onto someone else. Sometimes this is done because it’s all they know, and sometimes it’s done in the name of “love”. (Because I love you I want to toughen you up. Whatever caused them, it’s quite likely that your feelings of being an imposter are connected to the areas of your life that you’re most afraid to face. Rather than acknowledge your pain and hurt, you try to stuff it down, pushing yourself to do better and be better. And because you’re so afraid to take stock of what’s going on, you end up missing out on truly experiencing joy or excitement about the things that you’re doing really well.

When imposter syndrome is dominating your life, you never get to feel as if your success is worthy.

The work I do today often connects me with powerful leaders. Eventually, each of them will naturally bring up their childhood. They don’t always know why, but it always surfaces. When it does, they tend to brush it aside, as if it is a pesky nuisance, something far away and no longer applicable. When they bristle a bit at the idea of digging into it, or assure me that it’s all in the past, I know there is still a desire to protect the self. Invariably, I find myself sharing some iteration of:

“Just because things appear to have happened in the past doesn’t mean they remain there. The past is often leaking all over the present, and is about to pollute the future.”

Finding Your Past in Your Present

As logical and rational as we like to think we are, the things that happened long ago can and most often do still impact us in the current moment. All too often, that impact connects us to the seeds of our feeling of being inadequate, fake, or at some level unworthy.

Even the most powerful CEO can be consumed by the sense of being an imposter. In the same vein as Charlene Li, I encourage people to look within when they want to experience growth.

I know it seems counter-intuitive, I know that every part of you may want to say no, but it’s when we are willing to look into the darkness of our past that we light the way to a better future. Instead of running from ourselves, we must aspire towards understanding, opening up, and interacting with those past hurts. Conscious leaders must be willing to ask themselves the hard questions, because those are the only questions that will help us understand where we have come from, and how those origins have made us who we are.

Coping in Unhealthy Ways

What is pushed within will find a way out! When we don’t feel safe to express our emotions (and not just the ones we label “negative”, as some people feel unsafe to express more “positive “ emotions, like happiness, as well), those feelings become repressed. 

The challenge for you is the reality that repressed emotions don’t go away, they simply find a different way to express themselves, whether externally or covertly. This can mean engaging in passive aggressive behavior, or even openly bullying. Sometimes those repressed feelings become fully internalized, in which case you might find yourself spontaneously shutting down. As a result, a highly capable person can begin to feel hopeless, helpless, and eventually depressed. 

Dysfunctional behavior can also manifest in a seemingly polar form. For instance, during my time of feeling like an imposter I was constantly working, and others might have thought I was successful. However, my most common state-of-being was that of being burnt out and mentally worn down. It seemed whenever I tried to relax, or change things, or break free, I’d be assaulted by that sense that I’m an imposter. 

Then I’d be back to pushing harder and shutting everyone out. As time wore on, my colleagues, family, and friends were no longer able to connect with me on a meaningful level. More importantly, I began to lose the ability to truly connect with myself.

When things were hard, or I felt that some situation was beyond my capacity, I would shut my own needs down and make myself perform. I could sweep in and rescue anyone else, but all the while I was hurting myself. I didn’t believe I could share this pain with anyone else, because that would require being vulnerable about my hardest feelings and my biggest insecurities. And if I did that, I would open a window into myself that would prove once and for all that I really WAS an imposter.

The Fear of Being Exposed

What a terrible way to live! And yet, so many of us do so, partially because it works in the moment! But here’s the catch, shutting down your feelings doesn’t make them go away. Instead, it just pushes them further down, deeper into yourself. And the longer you try to hold them there, the more likely it becomes that you’ll explode.

Consider this. My seven year old self experienced that initial pain over fifty years ago. Today, when I start to feel overwhelmed by a challenge, my feelings of being an imposter are triggered instantly. These crappy beliefs are still my “automatic setting,” and that won’t change.

What can change, however, is the power that feeling has over me. Instead of hiding it, or forcing myself to put on a show to prove that I’m really capable, I can now understand where it comes from. I can recognize it as a feeling without allowing it to determine my actions and thoughts.

Facing Your Imposter Syndrome

Next time you feel like an imposter, ask yourself what could be triggering that feeling. Why do you feel that way? Where is it coming from?

Whenever I felt inadequate I would push myself harder, setting the bar higher and having no compassion or empathy for myself, even as I failed again and again. (You can imagine what a joy that made me to work and live with…) Please allow me to offer you some tips: 

When you start to feel like an imposter, ask yourself: When do I first remember feeling this way? Even if this seems like a new feeling, it is old. Try to identify the early experiences in your life that set this cycle into motion.

Another way to begin practicing compassion for yourself when you begin to recognize the internal, verbal violence you’re perpetuating. Ask yourself: Would I treat my child, or a child I cared about, in this way? 

Where has feeling like an imposter seemed like an advantage in your life or business? Where has it been a massive disadvantage? As someone in a leadership position, I’d encourage you to take it one step further and ask yourself: Where am I making others feel like an imposter? 

Be a leader, be courageous! Look into your past and identify the situation that created that belief within you. What if you chose to allow yourself to feel the pain, confusion, or pressure that the past version of yourself experienced, and you responded with empathy and compassion?

The Mic is Yours: Please tell us:

Where have you struggled with Imposter syndrome? What if you really are already enough? What if you were always enough?