Negotiations: Beyond Reason, Feelings

Strategy, even great one, does not implement itself

Ability to negotiate favorable agreements – with customers, colleagues, investors and suppliers is vital to execution of strategy. To do so, leaders should be able to examine psychology of decision making, overcome barriers to negotiation and apply successful negotiation tactics while evaluating alternate approaches. You need to rethink negotiation as problem solving.

You have to pioneer social psychological approach to subjective value in negotiation – that is, feelings and judgments concerning outcome, process, self, and relationship.

Eight States of Mind – Eight Feelings

Imagine mother's feelings when her child spills bottle of oil. Human state of mind is about what mind feels and expression of that feeling thereafter. In Sanskrit, rasa means that which is being tasted or enjoyed; bhāva means, that which becomes. So, bhāva becomes rasa – essentially, our feelings evoke emotions in people who experience our emotions. In that sense, we are all accountable for behavior of people around us – their behavior is manifestation of our own behavior and emotions that they are reacting to.

1. ATTRACTION

Attraction is about how much one likes someone. It is force acting between people that tends to draw them together and resist their separation. Personalities of attracted as well as that of attractor determine attraction – in situation both are in.

Attraction to stranger is function of proportion of similar attitudes – Donn Byrne

Birds of feather flock together – difference in attitudes and interests can lead to dislike and avoidance whereas similarity in attitudes promotes social attraction. Contrarian to this is: Opposites attract – people are more attracted to peers approximating to their ideal self. We are attracted to people who complement us because this allows us to maintain our behavior. While principles of similarity and complementarity seem to be contradictory on surface, they both contribute to same need – protect our personalities.

As you find structural connection with another, your disagreement is supported by other connections that help two of you to bind together and these other connections act as safety net in event that discussion gets tense. Investigate possible links between you and other, to consciously improve attraction.

Make yourself indebted to the other – Benjamin Franklin

While doing a favor helps build link between you and another, you should let them do a favor for you – ask for small favors that are easy to grant. This makes other person feel both generous and attracted.

2. DISGUST

Disgust is emotional response of revulsion to something considered offensive, distasteful, or unpleasant. Disgust is component of behavioral immune system where avoidance is preferred to fighting later. Disgust is often believed to lead to anger – quite the contrary: sensitivity to disgust is negatively correlated to anger. Feelings of disgust typically bring about need to withdraw while anger results in need to approach.

Disgust motivates avoidance of relationships with norm-violating individuals

Because disgust is emotion with physical responses to undesirable situations, there are cardiovascular and respiratory changes while experiencing emotion of disgust.

Disgust is opposite of Attraction.

3. FEAR

Fear is vital response to physical and emotional danger – if we did not feel it, we could not protect ourselves from legitimate threats. Fear causes change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately change in behavior, such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events. Fear may occur in response to specific stimulus occurring in present, or in anticipation or expectation of future threat perceived as risk.

Being brave isn't absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding way through it. – Bear Grylls

People develop specific fears as result of learning. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger fear response within us that is hard to quell. Fear can be learned by experiencing or watching frightening traumatic accident.

Although many fears are learned, capacity to fear is part of human nature – fears are also easier to induce in laboratory. This phenomenon is known as preparedness – those who are quick to fear dangerous situations are more likely to survive.

Responses are retained when they lead to successful outcome and discarded when they do not, or when they produce aversive effects – Law of Effect, by Edward Thorndike

4. ANGER

Anger is protective mechanism to cover up fear, hurt or sadness. Anger becomes predominant feeling when we make conscious choice to take action to immediately stop threatening behavior of another outside force. External expression of anger can be found in facial expressions, body language, physiological responses, and at times public acts of aggression. While many philosophers and writers have warned against spontaneous and uncontrolled fits of anger, there has been disagreement over intrinsic value of anger – and, have pointed out possible harmful effects of suppressing anger.

Anger is primary, natural, and mature emotion, and is necessary for survival

Anger is seen as supportive mechanism to show us that something is wrong and requires changing. Anger can mobilize psychological resources for corrective action. Dangers seem smaller, actions seem less risky, ventures seem more likely to succeed, and unfortunate events seem less likely. Angry people are more likely to make risky decisions, and make more optimistic risk assessments.

Anger makes people think more optimistically

5. EXPECTATION

Expectation is central motivating force in everyday life — normal process of imaginative anticipation of, or speculation about, future. Expectation is essential feature of human action.

In every action, we know goal in advance in form of anticipation that is 'empty', in sense of vague... and [we] seek by our action to bring it step by step to concrete realisation — Edmund Husserl

When we convince ourselves, chances are we'll see expectation to its inevitable conclusion. Time is promising medium to do things in — we need to understand consequences of anticipation and deferral.

If something happens that is not at all expected, it is Surprise.

6. SURPRISE

Surprise is intimately connected to idea of acting in accordance with set of rules. When rules-of-reality generate events different from rule-of-thumb expectations, surprise is outcome. Surprise represents difference between expectations and reality, gap between our assumptions and expectations about worldly events and way that those events actually turn out.

Surprise can have any valence – it can be neutral / moderate, pleasant, unpleasant, positive, or negative. Surprise can occur in varying levels of intensity ranging from very-surprised – which may induce fight-or-flight response, or little-surprise that elicits less intense response to stimuli.

Expectancy violations theory (EVT) analyzes how individuals respond to unanticipated violations of social norms and expectations. This theory sees communication as exchange of behaviors, where one individual's behavior can be used to violate expectations of another. Participants in communication will perceive exchange either positively or negatively – depending upon existing personal relationship or how favorably violation is perceived. Violations of expectancies cause arousal and compel recipient to initiate series of cognitive appraisals of violation. Theory predicts that expectancies influence outcome of communication interaction as either positive or negative and predicts that positive violations increase attraction of violator and negative violations decrease attraction of violator.

People do not view others' behaviors as random. Rather, they have various expectations of how others should think and behave.

7. HUMOR

Humor is quality of being amusing or comic. Stimulus could be inappropriate or incongruous talk or dress, or from imitating behaviors of others, or guffaw.

Ugliness that does not disgust is fundamental to humor – Aristotle

Humor is tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement. In Latin, humor means 'body fluid' – ancient Greeks believed that humor controlled human health and emotion. People of all ages and cultures respond to humor – be amused, smile or laugh at something funny. Extent to which person finds something humorous depends on host of variables, including geographical location, culture, maturity, level of education, intelligence and context.

Humor only occurs when something seems wrong, unsettling, or threatening, but simultaneously seems okay, acceptable or safe – Benign-violation theory, by Peter McGraw

Appropriate use of humor can facilitate interactions – taking away that awkward, uncomfortable, or uneasy feeling of interactions.

Indeed Allah loves those who are playful among people without being obscene – Muhammad al-Baqir's Hadith

8. COMPASSION

Compassion is concern for sufferings or misfortunes of others. Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help physical, mental or emotional pains of another and themselves. In Latin, compassion means co-suffering. Suffering can result from psychological, social, and physical trauma. Compassion is not pity or feeling sorry for sufferer, because that is marred with condescension; compassion is 'feeling one' with sufferer. Compassion is process of connecting by identifying with another person.

Compassion is necessity, not luxury, necessary for survival – Dalai Lama

Compassion requires these three elements: You feel that troubles are serious. Two, you understand that sufferers' troubles are not self-inflicted. And, you are able to picture yourself with same problems in non-blaming and non-shaming manner.

By sharing personal matters, you can reduce personal distance – but, make sure to give people plenty of space, too. Talking about personal concerns is likely to feel more revealing – with more sense of intrusiveness and vulnerability – and, yet at same time offer greatest opportunity to forge sense of closeness. Affiliation-enhancing topics that require compassion are likely to include family issues, financial concerns, emotional reactions to topic at hand, self-doubts, and ethical dilemmas.

Reduce emotional distance while giving plenty of space – to get closer

Good way to connect is to ask for advice – practice self-compassion. In doing so, beware of concerns about becoming emotionally exhausted may motivate others to curb their compassion – especially when they expect to incur financial cost upon helping.

Understanding emotions and why you have them gives you power to change the way you react to world around you – Cindy Meyer

Plan32 has achieved pathbreaking accelerated growth in Government, Global 500 corporations, and startups — optimising capital deployment for where it is needed, and human efficiencies and focus. Strategy is only 1% of work — 99% is Aligning, which requires understanding emotions, to be able to communicate effectively. "You" are the protagonist — unless people look up to your leadership, nobody is listening leave alone getting influenced. It is all about "you".