Communication, Transparency, Expectation Setting

Values for healthy relationships

I believe that any relationship problem in life, whether with family, friends, significant others, or work, stems from a problem in one of the following three areas; communication, transparency, or expectation setting. Typically it’s a mix of all three, and it always begins with communication breakdown of some kind. This is something I have been observing and studying for a significant portion of my life, and I have witnessed to be true time and time again.

Whenever there is a problem, I can guarantee one of these three is at fault. Someone either didn’t communicate, communicated and left something out, or they have failed to manage expectations of the person that they are speaking to. I personally believe that all three of these are avoidable, but are often very difficult to apply into one’s life as these are difficult conversations to have.

For this reason I have outlined how to handle communication breakdown and how to notice common trends in where it might break down, so that you don’t fall into these pitfalls yourself.

So how do these breakdowns happen in these areas?

1) Communication

Communication breakdown can happen in a variety of ways, and most of the other symptoms usually stem from the early stages of communication dynamics between two individuals. I can break these down into four categories.

a) Not communicating at all: This is easily the most common. I have met countless people who simply don’t voice themselves and their concerns. They keep their problems to themselves and somehow expect those around them to know what is going on inside of their own heads. This is probably the worst form of communication, because its not communicating at all.

Typical result of this type of communication? Problems boiling over and surfacing all at once. There will eventually come a day when that person finally does communicate, and when they do it will all fly out in an uncontrolled manner. They will express everything in a flurry and say a lot of frustrations all at the same time, usually in an emotional non-coherent state. We’ve all met someone who has done this. I find that this is especially true in passive-aggressive personality types.

This type of communication isn’t fair to the person on the other side, because they are probably oblivious to the fact that there is a problem at all. They might be able to sense your frustrations in your mood and your interactions with them, but are probably wondering to themselves, “what’s wrong with that guy/gal?”.

How can someone change what is making you mad if they aren’t even aware they are doing it in the first place? If you don’t communicate these issues, or wait until it’s too late to voice these communication issues, it will always rise to the surface and cause problems.

ex) I’ve had two roommates who didn’t like the fact that I was always in the living room and dominate the common living space. They never voiced this to me. One day after ~6 months they exploded on me and voiced their frustrations in an emotional manner. I was completely oblivious to the fact that this was ever a problem or that it was something that was making them mad.

This could have been avoided if they came to me in the very beginning of when it happened and said “Hey I can see that you like to do work in the common area, but keep in mind that you’re sharing the place with me and I would like to sit there sometimes too and have friends over. I think we need a healthier balance of how we use this space.”

Completely understandable, problem solved. That right there is good communication. The problem? Most non-communicators don’t have the balls to confront someone face to face and call them out on their BS out of fear the problem will escalate. 9/10 times a problem won’t escalate if you call it out early enough. 9/10 times a problem will escalate if you wait to call them out on it.

b) Not letting the other person talk: When voicing our frustrations, it’s sometimes easy to simply let them all out, even if we do it calmly. The problem with this? It can overwhelm the person on the other side because it’s a lot to process, OR it can put the other person on the defensive.

One of the things that I have noticed, especially with strong communicators, is that they don’t stop talking. They simply voice everything all at once and don’t allow the other person to get their word in. They rant. This is problematic, not only because the other person doesn’t get the chance to speak, but also because the other person has to process a lot all at once. Rather than addressing a concern one at at time, they then have to rebuttal everything at the same time. This is neither productive nor comfortable for the person on the receiving end of this.

This is the style I am definitely victim to myself. When a problem happens I immediately voice it at the other person. Although I might not mean to, the intensity with which I speak will intimidate the other person to the point where I don’t let them get a word in. It’s not healthy because I continue voicing my own opinion, and clearly get into a state where I don’t really care what the other person has to say. Although I feel like I may have voiced myself properly, the other person now feels more uncomfortable due to their own lack of communication.

Another common problem with this is that it puts the person on the other side on the defensive. When you come at them with a flurry of things that have annoyed you, the natural response of the other person is to get defensive and explain why they don’t agree with you. This will typically get them equally aggressive, and the conflict can escalate quickly. I have seen this one time and time again when someone tries to speak their mind but does it in a somewhat confrontational manner (even when it’s not intended that way).

The solution? Seek perspective before you jump in.

Instead of simply jumping into your rant, ask the other person questions and get their perspective first. Voice your own concerns as questions, and let the other person speak. For example, let’s say that the other person has been ignoring your requests or speaking down to you, instead of calling them out on it you can say, “I have noticed that you have been ignoring my requests, is this intentional/are you aware that you have been doing this?”. 9/10 times the person probably didn’t realize that they were doing something that offended you. If you approached it with a rant, it would get them on the defensive. However, if you approach it from seeking their perspective, they will be less defensive and try to empathize with your needs as well.

Another great technique here is to simply state how you feel. “When you do x, it makes me feel y.” This is something that men really struggle with, and comes much more naturally to women (from my experience). Men are less in touch with their feelings, and approaching a situation with how they feel often feels very awkward and forced. Nonetheless, regardless of how strange it might seem, approaching a problem with feelings is a great way to evoke empathy in the person you are speaking to and get to the root of the problem quickly.

c) Being overly emotional: There’s a negative side to communicating with feelings, and that is communicating when we are emotional. The problem with emotional communication is we often deviate from the problem at hand instead of focusing on the issue that started it all. We communicate when we are angry, frustrated, sad, stressed, anxious, etc., and these emotions trickle into the conversation and distract us.

Our emotions tend to make us very “me” centric, because we’re the ones who are feeling so badly. It’s hard to be empathetic to the needs of the other person when we are the ones feeling overwhelmed with emotion. These emotions cloud our judgement and lead us to not only poor communication, but poor judgement as well. Plain and simply, it’s hard to remain objective to the situation when we’re in an emotional state, and it’s important that we catch ourselves when in these fragile states of mind.

How can we correct this? If you notice that you are emotional about a problem, pause, write down your thoughts, and come back to it later. Don’t address the problem in the moment. Don’t react to the situation immediately. This is very difficult to do, but becoming aware of your emotional state, and curbing your reaction, is the single best way to not let a situation get out of hand. This one will take some practice, but is very effective at making sure you don’t head into a downward spiral when problems arise.

d) Abusive Communication: Last but not least, we have abusive communication. This is what I would refer to as speaking with anger, or downright yelling/abusive language. This is definitely the most extreme form of communication, and it is the most detrimental.

I don’t think I need to go into detail on this one. If you’re yelling and abusing the other person, you’re always the one who is wrong. If you have to raise your voice, you’ve already failed at communicating.

In my opinion, anyone who yells and screams is a horrible communicator. I don’t care how intelligent you are, how tactful you are in your everyday speech, or how clearly you can say your ideas, if you ever have to raise your voice to get your point across you have failed at communication.

Simply put, don’t do it. I shouldn’t need to say this, but you would be surprised how many people (especially those in authoritarian or dominant positions) need to raise their voice to get their point across. If anyone ever raises their voice to me, I will immediately walk out of the room and wait for that person to calm down, because you will never make any progress with them.

Now onto the other, less obvious, ways that communication can break down.

2) Transparency

The next step from communication, is to not only talk about and voice concerns, but to also be transparent about how you feel and what you plan to do. Communicating a problem is one thing, but if you have a solution you are holding back, you are not being transparent. If you have a feeling that you are not expressing, you are not being transparent. If you have plans of doing something else, you are not being transparent. My mother always told me that not telling someone something is the same thing as lying, and I wholeheartedly agree with her.

I see this one time and time again. People will communicate only half of what they are thinking. They will communicate to a point, and then hold back the rest for fear of what the response is. They will intentionally leave an important point out of a conversation, that if the other person knew, they would have an entirely different outlook on the situation at hand. This is a big no-no as it will eventually arise, whether you want it to or not.

At BrainGain I see this all the time in interviews we see with candidates?—?candidates aren’t transparent about salary expectations, or the qualms of their family, or the type of role that they want, and then they voice all of these concerns once an offer is on the table. This is one of the most frustrating things that we have ever seen, because it wastes everyones time. If you have a problem with the salary being offered, raise it in the beginning, why wait until you have passed through 3 rounds of interviews? If your parents don’t support your decision, say this upfront, or go talk to them, because otherwise you’re wasting everyone’s time.

I have also experienced this in relationships in general. Two people might be dating, and one person has long term intentions while the other person has short term intentions but doesn’t say anything. This creates an inherent mismatch. The conversation can only be avoided for so long, and when it does, there is a misalignment in expectations. If the person was to be transparent from the beginning the problem could have been avoided, but many people are too afraid to be this honest from the beginning. It’s tough to do, but so important so that you don’t hurt the other person.

I believe that transparency is the most difficult, as it doesn’t come naturally to us. It’s very hard to be completely honest and clear from the beginning, and disclose everything upfront. It’s a lot for someone to take in. Many times we will simply say to ourselves, “it will eventually come out”. There is a fine line to this.

While sometimes it’s appropriate to hold something back, if this carries on for too long you are now misleading the other person. This one is so difficult because what we are holding back is often a very heavy conversation, and we don’t want to scare the other person off. Nonetheless, it’s an important one to have.

Transparency requires tact, but only as an individual do you know when you have been holding back something for too long. No matter how difficult the situation might seem, its important to communicate what is on your mind. If you don’t it will eventually bubble to the surface, and when it does, things can get ugly really quick.

3) Expectation Setting

Simply put, what we disclose to each other, and what we are transparent about, will set expectations. If we communicate issues, and are open and honest about our feelings, we set expectations for the future on how to deal with each other. If we are also transparent about what our motives and plans are, this will allow us to plan accordingly.

When we hold back important information, it creates a mismatch in expectations, which will always create problems. When we don’t express ourselves, we don’t allow the other person to have an accurate picture of what to expect.

Take for example the workplace: Companies all around the world try to create an image of what their “culture” is like, and why it’s a great place to work. Many of us are sold on this ideal of what we believe work will be like there. We will see great amenities, a beautiful office, and great perks. What we don’t see is the abusive boss who treats everyone like crap and creates an environment of hostility.

OR we will see a candidate who, in the interview creates a picture of themselves as a go-getter, and then once they begin their job they are lazy and unmotivated and are simply there for the paycheck.

In both instances we see mismanaged expectations due to a lack of transparency.

Summary:

Open, honest, communication is everything in life. If you are hiding something from someone, or don’t voice it, it will eventually surface, and when it does it will create conflict. These three values are all intertwined, and build upon each other. With good communication, we can set transparency, and with transparency we handle expectations. I believe that any conflict in life is a result of one of these three breakdowns, and I believe that placing an emphasis on these will be a very strong foundation for your life. Always feel comfortable to speak your mind; the more you talk things out, the stronger your life becomes :)