Communication Series- 2

Background

Sabrina was a talkative child during the preteen years. As a high school student, her parents noticed her gradually withdrawing and becoming more aloof. At the dinner table, her parents tried to involve her in the conversation but she answered in monosyllables.

“She is living in a bubble’ said Sabrina’s mother to her father. “We need to find her before it’s too late.” There was a sadness that hovered over the parents.

Adolescents becoming less communicative with family members is nothing new. Many parents face this challenge.

Sabrina’s mother and father searched high and low for a good counsellor and found Dr. Disha Ray. They shared with her that they were there to make sense of their trauma at not being able to connect with their only child.

The counsellor realised that communication had come to a standstill in this case and wanted Sabrina’s parents to understand all about communication before they could decide on the strategy they wished to employ.

“I will be taking you through a series on communication,” she said.

Week 2

Dr Disha said, “Last week we spoke about Intra and Interpersonal communication. How did the last session impact you?

Father and mother looked at each other. Mother said, ‘Okay, let me speak first. Last week’s session, opened my eyes about intra personal communication, which is how I talk to myself. It made me focus on the way I talk to myself. I found my thoughts very critical towards myself and I decided to bring a change in my intrapersonal communication. I am going to be kinder to myself in my thoughts.”

Father added, “I analysed my communication with Sabrina and saw that I had not been very supportive in my communication with her. I usually come home with the stresses of work and all I want to do is rest and do nothing. After the session, I realised I have to keep aside time to build a connection with her. I have started doing this by spending time and doing some activity with her each evening. I am happy to share that she seems happy to have this time together. This has brought us together as a family as mother has also joined in.”

Disha nodded and said, “Today, we will be talking about congruent communication. Are you ready?”

“Yes” replied the parents in unison.

“Congruent communication takes place when what you say matches how you say it, as well as your body language. This form of communication fosters trust, understanding, and effective interaction. This can be used in every situation when we communicate. Not just in the home but also in our interactions at work and in the outside world.

Let me explain with an example:

Let us say Sabrina comes home with a poor report card. You are upset as this was not expected. In normal circumstances you would communicate your disappointment and anger and perhaps blame her for the poor results. When you wish to use congruent communication you will use the right verbal, non-verbal communication and your emotional state will match your verbal and non-verbal communication. This will bring about a change in the long term as your child will feel supported to overcome the problem. It will also build your relationship as she goes through the problem. Here are the ways to do this:

Verbal: You may sit down and express your sympathy for your child, saying, “Sabrina, we understand you are feeling disappointed about your report card. We are here for you. Let us work together to find out how to improve in the areas you have not done well.”

Non-verbal: You are maintaining eye contact with your child as you talk. When she expresses herself, you are actively listening. You may offer a comforting touch. Your body language and facial expressions reflect your feeling of empathy.

Emotional state: Your emotional state matches your verbal and non-verbal communication. Your empathy for your child comes through your words and actions. Your child feels supported and understood during a challenging moment.

It is about accepting your child, his/ her situations and working with them to make a difference.

Parents who wish to improve their relationship with their children need to unlearn the habitual language of rejection and acquire a new language of acceptance. Examples in the language of rejection include labelling, abusing, not giving full attention to what the child is sharing and imposing correction rather than direction.

The statements parents and other caregivers make, may be to a large extent, affect the self-worth of a child. It is not surprising that the language used in the family and at the child, determines the destiny of the child.

As parents, we also need to be aware of the hidden messages that are there in our communication with the child. These hidden messages tell a child to distrust and disown his/ her feelings and doubt his/her own self-worth. The next time you communicate with your child, carry out an internal check if your talk includes blame, shame, preaching, ordering, admonishing, accusing, ridiculing, belittling, and threatening language.?

Address the child’s situation, not his character and personality. Express your anger without insult. Describe what you see, feel and expect while attacking the problem not the person. Protect yourself and the child by using ‘I’ messages which are starting your sentences with: ‘I’ such as “I felt annoyed when you slammed the door just now.’ Sentences beginning with ‘you’ may have the opposite effect. For example, in the same scenario of slamming the door, you may say,” You are always slamming the door. You are annoying.” You can see how the sentences using I are more effective.”

Dr Disha stopped speaking and looked at the parents.

“How are you finding the aspect of congruent communication. Is there anything you want to say?”

“This concept is so important in building our relationships,” said Mother. “Looking back, I see my communication with Sabrina was far from congruent as I was not thinking from her point of view but was trying to exert my authority in every situation. I am going to practise being more accepting while communicating with her. Each time I communicate, I shall keep the focus on my verbal, non-verbal and emotional state.” Father nodded in agreement.

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The trio decided to meet one week later after practising congruent communication.

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Parenting resources:

·?????? ABC of Parenting is a complete parenting resource focusing on the mental and emotional health of children: https://amzn.eu/d/0bGsbQd

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·?????? ?Parenteening Made Simple deals with the seven principles of positive parenting and is the best resource for the adolescent years: https://amzn.eu/d/5VSi7dz

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·?????? Hindi version of Parenteening Made Simple: https://amzn.eu/d/1M4S1Sh

A Guide for every Girl and Young woman:

·?????? Girl Empower Yourself: https://amzn.eu/d/4mhNrEt state

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**For free additional resources on parenting, visit the website: https://teensgen.com/

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