Communication, Relationships and things in between

When it comes to communication, we often amuse ourselves and confuse others. Agree, won’t you?!

“Hey, I am sorry I just over-reacted. And that’s not what I really meant.”. Or, “Darn why did I said it this way. When I really want to say was… ”

Recall a recent interaction when similar thought or words crossed your mind. And left you wondering, “Why I said it the way I did?”

And when this happens quite frequently, we get into self-reflection mode and approach our advisors and mentors for help. And what follows after such events is even more amusing. We are often advised to assess our current communication skills. Few of the serious people end up in a communication class (by choice or by force).

So, what is wrong with an idea to join a communication class?

Well, absolutely nothing. The problem may have some elements of communication. However, this is not entirely a communication problem.

And, what am I suggesting?

Well, recall a recent interaction at workplace or at home where you reacted in a manner that if given a chance you would like to make few changes or the least change the outcome. Once you have a scenario, spend five mins and try following questions:

1. What made me react — was it the message or the person, or both?

2. Would I have reacted the same way if similar message was communicated by my favorite person or a dear friend?

3. What would have made me respond the way I really wanted to — with calmness, affirmation and respect?

Communication is traditionally been considered a function of the content, words, tone and mode (verbal, visual, etc.). Modern thinkers added few important aspects like body language and speaker’s emotions.

While all these thoughts sound very logical and fascinating, I failed to see the results coming. I felt something amiss in my understanding and often struggled with “How to apply this fascinating wisdom?”, which gradually got morphed into “Why isn’t this working for me?”

Luckily, I happened to study relationship as part of my Positive Psychology course. During the weekly peer discussion one prominent thought was to define Communication goals as part of Relationship goals. While the concept made sense, I started wondering what is stopping us to define Relationship goals as part of our Communication goals?

What if I know my participants and have defined my relationship goals for them?

Usual communication participants could be anyone from corporate colleagues and seniors, personal life or even extended social circle. Having a defined relationship goals could help better understand the importance of the relationship and what is at stake.

How to define a fair relationship goals? I am sharing a seven secrets that worked for my coaching clients:

1. How I want a relationship to evolve in near future? — Win & Lose, or Win-Win; Fun, Growth, etc.
2. What I ready to do to nurture it? — Time, information, reference, etc.
3. What are the common values and beliefs we share? — Respect, Integrity, Fair, etc.
4. How I want my participant to view us? — Transactional give & take, or as one team
5. What emotions I want my participants to associate? — Trust, valued, respected, etc.
6. What are the few things I could avoid? — Too friendly and loud in public, showing authority, etc.
7. What I am ready to let go and what I will not? —How flexible I am with this Relationship to precede my professional or personal objectives?

Having a well-defined Relationship goal helped my coaching clients prepare well — both in terms of content and emotions.

With time we realized that having a defined Relationship goal helped keeping emotions in check. This in-turn influenced our choice of words, intonation and body language — especially when the topic involved a challenge, a conflict or personal sensitive subject.

Excellent Communication = Communication + Relationship goals

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About the author:

Navneet is a Certified Associate Leadership and Executive Coach (ICF). He holds a certificate in Positive Psychology (Univ. of Pennsylvania) and is a Certified Emotional Intelligence Coach (IAPCCT). Navneet is also an NLP Coach, a certified NLP Practitioner (ABNLP), a Wellness Coach (ICF) and a Licensed Behavioural Trainer (IAPCCT). He has completed a Digital Storytelling certificate from University of Houston, and loves delivering impactful learning experiences.

Navneet is associated as a Behaviour and Career-skills coach with Mentor Together (NGO) and as a Parenting and Accelerated Learning coach with KidsInfinite (Kids training company). Navneet is engaged as a Leadership and Business coach with start-ups.