"Communication is a Martial Art!"

Some time ago, I wrote down a few of my thoughts on communication. I’m known among my associates for the phrase, “Communication is Hard!”, so that is what I titled my thoughts.?Today what I write is more or less a continuation of what was written then.?If you are interested at all, that information was published on my LinkedIn account in the form of an article by that name.

Following is an excerpt:

…we have a saying, “Communication is hard!”?Now you might be thinking that we are simply stating the obvious, right? Well most great truths are obvious.?The problem is that they are so obvious that people begin to take them for granted.?They forget just how true and impactful they are, or assume that there is nothing to be done about it.?They ignore the obvious and reap the consequences.

The reason that we repeat this slogan so often on our team is precisely because we want to avoid these pitfalls.?The unspoken portion of this refrain is, “communication is critical!”?It is critical to almost every undertaking.?Success and failure are often decided primarily on the effectiveness of the communication that takes place.

Surprisingly even though communication is of supreme importance, it is often ignored or executed poorly.?The benefits and rewards of attending to it are enormous…?There are many layers involved in communication and you can benefit from investing effort into any or all of them.

So, when I say “Communication is a Martial Art,” what do I mean??Well, martial arts are sports or skills that originated as forms of self-defense, like judo, karate, and kendo.?I personally studied Kung Fu in my college years.?But the point I wish to emphasize by referring to communication in this manner, is the discipline and practice that are associated with those who undertake these arts.?They are commonly lifelong pursuits, marked by repetitious practice and drills aimed at honing and perfecting execution.

Even as a novice in my studies of Kung Fu, I began to practice “forms.”?These were repetitive movements and exercises.?The repetition trained the mind and body to execute these movements without conscious thought.?We would do them over and over, until these movements would begin to spontaneously appear in our sparring matches.?When you are under the pressure of combat, even the friendly combat of a sparring match, your conscious mind doesn’t have time to contemplate and direct your movements.?You must rely on your subconscious which executes in a completely different manner.

You might be thinking, I don’t like conflict or maybe even sports, so what does this have to do with me??Well consider this.?Communication can be very stressful too, especially when the subject matter is important or charged with emotion.?The more critical or pressure packed the communication, the more likely you are to direct it with your subconscious rather than your conscious.?This is when you will act based on how you have trained your mind to respond.?

So if communication is a martial art, and martial arts require discipline and practice, then what happens if I just wing it??Well, in my experience the outcome will be mixed at best, and perhaps not good at all.?Your subconscious will influence the communication, but it will take its que from the training it has received.?Now here is an interesting point.?We are all different and have had different experiences.?Our childhood, the sports we played, our mentors, and those who influenced us have all played a role in preparing us to communicate in critical situations.?It’s really pretty random.?It’s like my first Kung Fu lesson.?I knew how to defend myself… sort of… but in truth it was pretty ineffective.?That’s how communication is when you just go on instinct.

Funny thing, one of the strongest directors of our subconscious actions is our emotions.?It is especially true for physical confrontations like sparring. You get hit in the nose and your anger flares.?Then, you come out swinging.?But why??Because you learned this on the playground. That is how your subconscious was trained.?It could have been trained to flee or lock up, depending on your own personal experience. But the point is this, your emotions don’t generally direct you to the response that your rational and calm conscious would.?

Emotions are ever ready to take the lead in directing our communication.?Emotions wish to be masters, and therefore they make poor servants.?So think again of the martial arts analogy.?The forms that are practiced repetitively overwrite our subconscious and supplant the emotional programing learned in our youth.?The practice can program our subconscious to direct our body in a disciplined and effective manner when responding to being punched in the nose or being faced with a stress packed communication event.

So okay, you believe that martial arts forms are effective for sparring, but you haven’t made the leap to what you need to practice in order to prepare yourself to be a more effective communicator.?I understand.?If it were simple, it would be easy, and you know… communication is hard.

So the first “form” I would propose you begin to practice is Transparency.?Transparency is as effective in communication as it is unexpected.?Most of us have experiences that teach us that people never share the whole story or say what they really mean.?Using partial information and half-truths to manipulate people’s perception and actions is so common that most people filter what they hear with the expectation that it is not the full story.?Expressions like “the tip of the iceberg” reference the perception that what you hear is only a small portion of the facts.?How many times have you heard someone say, “Well, to tell the truth…” The prevalence of this expression is a reflection of how often the full truth is not shared.

So how do you “practice” transparency??Well, like all forms, the movements appear simple but prove more difficult to master than you expect.?Transparency means simply being as open and honest as you can be, even in difficult situations. In business or life, you can’t always share everything you know.?My practice is this, I commit to those with whom I interact (in a leadership role or otherwise), “Ask me what you wish.?If I know and can tell you, I will.?If I can’t answer your question, I will tell you so.?If I don’t know the answer, I will admit it and try to find out.”?Really simple right??Start practicing it and see.?Many times you will find yourself preferring to share half the story or saying, “you know, I just don’t know.”

Transparency also means sharing the negatives along with the positives. I’m a people person, and I love positive affirmation.?It is so easy for me to tell someone they are doing a great job.?They smile and their happiness makes me happy.?

But what about when there needs to be change, or issues need to be addressed.?Do you just skip that part saying, “I’ll deal with that later?”?Then later drags out, and the issues grow, until at last you are forced to address them.?Now you’re being pulled into an uncomfortable conversation that you preferred to avoid.?Those old feelings of discomfort trigger stress and with stress comes emotion.?Oops!?Now the communication takes on an emotion charged air and much energy is wasted focusing on “how” the message is communicated and not focused on the real issue.

Practicing transparency looks like this.?To subordinates and peers you should stake yourself out.?Let them know that you are practicing transparency.?Share that you will really strive to give them your honest feedback, even if sometimes it isn’t what they had hoped to hear.?But remind them, that it will be the whole story.?I call it “putting the iceberg on the table” (no part of the story hidden below the surface).?Also, you must acknowledge, you don’t have the corner on reality.?So what you share will be the whole truth from your perspective, but may or may not be completely accurate.?For you, your perspective “is” reality.?

Transparency also dictates that you listen to their perspective as well, and ask them to share the whole truth from their perception.?No two people ever have the exact same perspective on an issue, because they bring their own biases and experiences. ?But, open transparent communication allows the two perspectives to move closer together, thus facilitating better understanding.

In my experience, most people don’t know what to think of this revelation the first time you share your intent with them.?Then the first time they experience it, they can be a bit defensive.?They are unsure, because their experience has taught them that no matter what you say, there is more going unsaid.?But over time, they come to believe and trust in the transparency of your communication.?Their comfort level with you grows and they will actually seek out your thoughts because they know they are sincere, even when they disagree.

Subordinates find it particularly empowering, because they always know exactly where they stand.?This practice provides them clear direction, and the lack of ambiguity inspires confidence.?Ultimately they develop trust in what you share and become increasingly comfortable providing full and honest feedback.?The impact this can have on a team or organization is tremendous. Imagine the efficiency of eliminating all the wasted effort of doing the wrong thing because of misunderstanding or missing information.

So if that covers peers and subordinates, what about your superiors??Practicing transparency with a superior is a bit different.?If you are a “Yes Man or Woman” then skip this paragraph.?You will never practice it anyway.?But if instead you wish to be a valued counselor or lieutenant, then try this.?Tell your superior, you are practicing transparency and will give them honest complete feedback when they wish it.?If they ask (or when is time to provide your input), you will answer truthfully and fully.?If they do not want to hear it, tell to simply cut you off.?A raised hand will do.??Also remind them that your honest feedback will not impair you from executing their instructions even when your feedback has differed from their ultimate guidance.?

Practicing this requires a higher level of discipline, because it is difficult to proceed in the face of a superior whose body language is telling you that your feedback isn’t what they had hoped to hear.?But in reality there is no one more valuable to a team or organization than the person who will speak the full truth to those in power and yet follow their instructions even when they disagree. ??

A side note to this.?When you have a subordinate practicing transparency with you.?You must discipline yourself to control your body language as best you can.?Always thank them for their input and take time to consider it as fully as time permits.?Receiving and giving transparent feedback is a gift and should always be appreciated and respected.

It is important to be overt in your practice of transparency. As I have said, tell those with whom you communicate that this is your goal.?Reiterate it regularly.?Develop it as a key element of your reputation.?Practice it in all areas of your life.?Surprisingly, I have found it most difficult with family.?Probably because the well-worn path of past interactions have set expectations firmly.

There are many other forms you can practice to hone your communication skills.?Perhaps they will be the subject of future writings.?If your first step is acknowledging “Communication is Hard!”, then the second step is the realization that “Communication is a Martial Art” that requires discipline and practice.