Communication issues and unrealistic expectations are two of the main reasons people find themselves falling out of love.

Communication issues and unrealistic expectations are two of the main reasons people find themselves falling out of love. But there are things that can be done to stop the fall. Relationships are hard work; they should be viewed as investments, particularly if there is a marriage.

Red flags in a relationship include excessive jealousy and frequent lying. You should also be wary of a partner who frequently criticises you or puts you down. Another major red flag is an unwillingness to compromise — relationships shouldn't be one-sided.

In short “Infidelity” can be worked through in most cases. When infidelity occurs it’s usually as a result of one or both of you falling asleep at the wheel of your relationship. People will enter a relationship to feel good but only stay if they feel valued. It is very common for women in the 21st century to be less tolerant of men who “set and forget” their relationship! Self-check! When was the last time you bought your partner flowers had the children baby sit and asked her to dress up and taken her out to a nice restaurant “Romance?”

Tip: Men if your wife wonders outside of the relationship, it’s most probably due to them not feeling desired loved or valued CONSISTENTLY… Of course, there are other reasons why infidelity occurs, but you do your part and let her do her part…"Serve and return” and stay awake!

Tip: Ask your partner how you can meet their needs in the relationship.

Note to self: If my alcohol intake is more than the healthy boundary of two (2) standard drinks per day my partner is NOT my priority I may need to seek help for my personal dependency challenges.

Warning: If your wife has an affair and you both decide to work through if. DO NOT suggest an open relationship to spice things up. WHY? She was already feeling not desired, undervalued and not loved.

The 21st century brings with it many more choices and in the absence of rules people really do make up their own and it is causing self-discipline havoc… and to be honest we are not doing well when it comes to self-binding our own personal boundaries.

Note: You have to know what you want far beyond what you don’t want…and joy start with you and ends with you…So here are a few tips from Dr John Gottman

The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions is a necessary first step to eliminating them and replacing them with healthy, productive communication patterns.

The important thing is to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticising: Example

• Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
• Criticism: “You never think about how your behaviour is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”

·        

·       Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them: Example.

·       “You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?” 

Defensiveness Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes: Example.

• Question: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
• Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”

Stonewalling which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive manoeuvres such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviours. “The disappearing act” is common.

If you are struggling in your relationship seek help and be open to learn new ways. The teacher will only be heard when the student is willing to listen so it may take more than a few sessions with a Couples counsellor to really reap the benefits…the first few times you may feel yourself becoming defensive but over time you will learn to trust the counsellor and drop your guard a little. The counsellor is also invested in your relationship, Couples counsellors are there to help you see what you're not currently seeing or cannot see a solution for.

 Tip: Most couples are in Couples Therapy for 6 to 12 weeks it is a mix of single sessions and double sessions. When you have completed the 3 steps and the “Disclosure session” this is the session that effectively turns the lights on in your relationship, this session is the beginning not the end! This is where the work begins…

There are relationship for one reason or another that may be in therapy for years, there is no normal so don't beat yourself up if you are struggling.

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