Communication and Influencing

There was an interesting conversation, I would like to share with you. Once I was talking to one of my subjects who had undergone counselling for relationship issues. While talking to her, she asked me to hold for a minute and she started talking to her son. She said ‘Son, this is very expensive, we had to pay huge amount of money to buy this, so you need to handle this carefully’. Then we continued the conversation. Now, pause for a minute or so and think about the conversation mother is having with her son.

Did you find anything really interesting? Mother is sharing with his son the basics, what is considered as expensive and what is inexpensive. The son grows up and believes what is bought paying huge amount of money is expensive and something that is bought in small amounts as inexpensive. Worth of an object is based on its purchase price, its cost.

Same thing a mother can explain based on its utility. For example, an object has to be handled carefully because it is extremely useful. Other possibility is, you need to handle this object carefully because it is given by someone close as a gift and that is why it is precious.

Nothing wrong in telling the son that an object has to be handled with care because of its price tag but imagine if this continues most of the time, the impact on the child such communication will have. It will build a value system which is materialistic.

Now, let us look at the communication from the perspective of the mother. Her value system is, what she is communicating to her son. Value of an object is based on its price tag.

It is important to listen carefully what people are saying. It tells you their value system.

Most of us feel influencing communication is using a language which is flamboyant, jargons, personality, sweet voice or a game of tone and pitch. Actually, it is not. The best example is Mahatma Gandhi. He was not a great orator or a speaker. Yet when he called, people who were poor, hungry, naked would face British soldiers without any arms, ready to take those bullets on their chest. They had nothing to gain. But the trust was high. They followed Gandhi blindly because they knew his call was for a larger purpose. Building trust is the key in influencing.

Nowadays, blind dates are common. A boy and a girl decide to meet for the first time. The boy agrees to meet the girl which is close to her house but two hours journey from his house. It is a restless night for the boy. Afterall he is meeting someone for the first time. He is unable to sleep and finally leaves early and reaches the place two hours before the time. He idles his time and finally the meeting time arrives but the girl doesn’t. He tries to call but there is no response from the girl. He returns dejected. Friends in the evening ask him about his experience with the date. He sadly replies, ‘She didn’t come, I wasted 1000 rupees travelling’. This response shows that the boy values money more than anything else. Other possible reply is ‘She didn’t come, I wasted six hours’ or ‘She didn’t come, I lost one relationship opportunity’. There are many possible responses based on how the boy felt (you can share in the chat box). Each response will tell you his value system.

Words can be faked; deeper values cannot be faked. Values and beliefs reflect in our words and in our actions. They speak louder than words. We all communicate our value systems knowingly or unknowingly.

Listening and observing is very important. Managers and leaders, customer service experts, sales representatives, consultants, spouses, friends, almost everyone should learn to listen to the deeper value system of the communicator. It tells you how others feel. It tells you, their motivation. It tells you their mental map. Once you understand their mental map, it is easy to influence. There are many examples in ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie. Everyone wants to know ‘what is in it for me?’. To know what is in it for them, we need to know their needs. Everyone would have a different need. When we know what they need, we can influence them. Most of the time, we assume what they need. Organizations assume what their employees need. Managers assume what their subordinates need. Sales consultant assumes what their client needs.

Then the question is, when we can understand other’s values and needs through communication, why don’t we understand. It is simply because we are not listening. We are not paying attention to the speaker. We are in a hurry to speak and lose the opportunity to listen. We believe speaking more will influence. Speaking powerfully will influence strongly. Most of the time, we are assuming and based on those assumptions, we listen. Assumptions filter the reality of the speaker. We listen only what we think is important and ignore the rest.

Once I (leadership trainer) and the head HR was in a first morning meeting with the CEO. HR shared about the heavy rains and the calls from employees to check if they need to come to office. He also shared about the government declaring holiday expecting heavy rains and waterlogging in Mumbai. CEO replied, ‘First people don’t want to work, over that government declares holiday on minor incidents.’ If you listen to this conversation, the assumption here is people don’t want to work. When the CEO believes that people don’t want to work, imagine the brute force he would use on people and the culture he will build in the organization. To share, the culture of this organization was such that, everyone worked only to please the CEO. Whatever CEO said had to be done first and the interest of the employees, customers etc were put aside.

Listen to the speeches of politicians and religious gurus carefully, observe their actions, they communicate the truth which we don’t want to listen. There is self-righteousness, hunger for power, for recognition, blaming others for their own failures. They are born to rule and we are born to be ruled, kind of attitude.

It is extremely difficult to listen. We already have many programming in our mind working and analysing. With those analysis, those barriers, it is difficult to listen. We have to stop thinking and analysing and start listening neutrally. Take no sides.

Listening self is important. Giving time to listen to our own thoughts and feelings will tell us what is happening inside us. Spending time with ourself increases our awareness about self. It also helps us influence our own actions, convince ourselves to do things we don’t like, yet that are necessary.

Life is very short. We have many dreams, aspirations and goals. We will not achieve all. We may achieve one or we may achieve none. But during our final days, we will die contented because we tried. ?But if we don’t listen to ourselves, we will not know our fears. We will not know our dreams, our aspirations, our goals, what we want from our lives. We will go through our llives and realise we are at the end. By the time we realise that we didnt listen to self, it will be too late.

#sanjaybgoel #apolloleadership #influencingskills #communicationskillsdevelopment #communicationandinfluencing