Communication Gaps...
Through all my experience of researching on communication skills that different people possess, I have realised the reason for most conflicts is in words being more direct and blameful than being assertive. Many times, we face situations that make us unhappy or disappointed. That space in your brain becomes sad, then quickly develops self-talk and jumps right into anger and aggression. That fine space where the self-talk starts happening is where you are the most assertive. If you speak when you are sad, you will sound insecure and emotionally imbalanced. If you speak when you are angry and aggressive, you will sound rude and arrogant. Hence, most people use the cool-down strategy to consciously take the brain back into that space of assertiveness. The cool-down period allows you to complete all the processes of mood-making inside you and then come up with an amazingly effective plan on how to correct the outside situation. You will agree, if you are sorted inside, then you will be sorted outside as well. So next time, follow this process :
Listen : At this stage, the feelings will start to develop, but don’t stop listening. It plays an especially important role in the last leg of the conversation.
Feel the feeling : Feel the pain, feel the hurt, feel even the anger and aggression. Write it all down if you must. But let not anyone else know about it unless of course, you have a counselor whom you can use as your punching bag. This phase is important for you to make proper decisions, so you recognize which feeling you never want to feel again and which ones you are ok with.
Cooldown Effect : Here is when your brain will put all the pieces together and the most effective decisions will happen. Surprisingly, these will also find the most assertive way of manifestation in words. When this process is properly completed, your words will be understood and will also see the desired result in most cases.
The 24 hours strategy : Your brain is built to work better when the entire loop is closed. The longer you take to resolve issues, you will teach your brain to become complacent and that much more damaging will issues become. Almost like a pressure cook effect. Train yourself to get back and resolve in 24 hours. Save the extra time for some real work.
I hope this article helps you understand at which stage are some of your toughest conversations. Write back to me and maybe we can solve it together.
Shalini Gamre