Communication and Assumptions, what's the link?

What is it about communication that everyone sees as a solution but rarely practices it as one? We seem to always know the solution to our problem, but we fail most of the time to actually implement it. Oh right! It’s again the theoretical and real dilemma, the “it’s easier said than done”. But if we dig a bit deeper, the dilemma is more complex than we think.

The success of communication in solving problematic situations in personal or professional life depends on inner self and fear. Communication is a buzz word that we hear from a manager who describes their leadership style or their team’s expectations. It is a word that we often hear in teams that struggle in their development and blame their hindrance on a lack of or (mis)communication. It is a word you hear when a client or a business partner complains about a missing information that impeded the profit a product. So, if everyone is using it as part of their everyday lives, we should be able to know what it means and how it works, right? Well, that is a big assumption that is open to analysis.

Talking about assumptions, how many times have you assumed that your colleague, manager, or friend knew how to communicate certain information? It could be a time where a manager needed to inform their team member about a task, or a time where your friend needed to make a dentist appointment and so share their schedule details to find a suitable time. The logical thought when you hear this would be that your manager or friend know how to convey the respective messages. After all, it’s a banal task of calling the doctor’s office or assigning someone a task. However, sometimes it’s not as banal as we think. A lot of times, we tend to assume that people around us can communicate without a problem. From our positions, whether it’s a close one or an acquaintance, we inherently take our understanding of notions and apply it to our surrounding. In other words, what I would do to communicate a task to a colleague or to get a dentist appointment, is what I assume my manager or friend could do.

Here’s the turning point that many people don’t realize. It is just “my” assumption which does NOT necessarily need to align with reality. My manager could have some trouble in openly delegating people resulting in not allocating the task in a clear communicative way. My friend could be struggling with social anxiety letting them unable to get through a “simple” task as getting an appointment. Our assumptions are one of the complicated knots that hinder the success of communication.

"It's not the things you don't know that trip you up. It's the things you think you know, but you don't. You fail to ask a certain question because you believe you know the answer. Separating your information from your assumptions can be very tricky business." Claudia Gray

You may be now thinking “if assumptions are the problem, how can I get rid of them to improve communication?” Well, given the deep-rooted nature of assumptions in our personalities, the answer takes three levels bearing in mind that getting rid of them is not the answer, rather working with and around these assumptions.

1. Becoming aware of these assumptions, most things we do and say daily include some sort of hidden assumptions. We may not be aware of them because they function in a systematic manner, making them feel like second skin. They are part of your identity which makes questioning them highly difficult.
2. However, the second level must be exactly an examination of the assumptions. Without a doubt, this will require courage especially if the assumptions are related to ingrained parts of your identity which can shake your safety and stability. Who would want to instigate or trigger an inner earthquake that will cause drastic changes? I’m guessing no one. This examination, however, must start from a place of curiosity because it will only then unravel the roots of the assumption. Maybe I learnt it from someone in my surrounding? Why did the assumption continue to exist in my behavior? What negative and positive effects does it have on me and my surroundings?... all these questions are only an invitation to really reflect on the assumption itself as if you are dissecting a frog in a biology class. You are only aiming to understand it. "Untested assumptions and lazy habits of thought can be shown up, once put in a spotlight of a different hue." Julian Baggini?
3. Once this is done, the last step is to decide how you will go about the examined assumption. Does it damage parts in my relationships, work, life? Is it a neutral one that does not affect my behavior? Maybe it brings about some advantages? How you proceed with your life, everyday exchanges or important meetings fully grasping this assumption is the final level. With the goal to improve your life and communication, you are the best person to take that decision. The decision range can be from removing, adapting, or leaving it.

"Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in while, or the light won't come in." Alan Alda?

What’s inevitable is that the first two stages will not happen overnight, they take practice after practice after practice. Similar to a skill, unlearning or relearning it requires time and patience. So be tolerant with yourself as you’ve already come a long way in comparison to others. The fact that you are reading this article is only a testament of your tolerant self to such perceptive and delicate topics which is not as evident to some people.

Any frequent assumptions from work or daily life that crossed your mind while reading this? Feel free to share them!