Communication Is An Art - I Learned

Listening to people and helping them has always been something I loved and enjoyed doing. Being a good listener was a blessing for that matter. Many of my friends, family members, and sometimes acquaintances used to come to me to share their thoughts, worries, and even problems. Some still do. This has allowed me to gain, at a relatively young age, much insight on the root cause of relationship problems, work problems, personal problems, and so on. Another factor leading to so much insight is having worked in different fields and in different positions on the leadership ladder.

What I learned is that communication is an art few understand or even realize exists. In communicating with others, several matters must be kept in mind.

It is a two-way process:

Unless you are a tyrant giving irrevocable orders, the simplest communication established has a message and a reply both verbal and/or nonverbal. We often miss receiving the reply, reaction, or response as being either too concerned with our matters or too arrogant to receive any. In some cases, this reply is of essence to the issue handled. To illustrate, consider the example of a lead engineer approving a design for a major construction site after minor editing and he refused to listen to a member of his team guarding him from a change applied without written approval from the client. Another example would be a husband refusing to change his sleeping habits although his wife is paying the price with becoming restless.

If only we learn to pause, observe, and care to listen, our communication instances would be far more effective and would save us from much preventable trouble ahead.

It is not always about me:

Getting too emotionally involved at work or being very rightful, straightforward, and honest you find yourself saying things like “Why did he use this tone with me?”, “Why did he refuse to listen to my advice?” or “Why is he denying the fact that I am right?”. The answer is simple. It is not about you, not a personal matter. The reaction you got or the outcome you reached was most probably because the other person felt disrespected, worried his authority would be challenged if he accepted, or was not feeling secure concerning where the discussion was leading. In all cases, how the message was communicated created discomfort and reluctance to continue the conversation or even more agree.

Especially at work, when dealing with different culture, often a well-intended communication is not well received as we, the sender, are so attached to our case, we miss choosing our words right not to sound bossy, arrogant, or imposing.

It is a matter of differences:

I remember my first job, away from my home country; it was a clash of cultures. I constantly felt undignified, perplex, and dismayed to learn of some unacceptable educational practices being allowed. What I failed to realize soon enough is that the reason for all that I was experiencing came back to being ill informed and not having made the effort to understand the people I was working with or who were reporting to me. The issues I considered rightful, logic, or necessary were not so in their opinion and according to their culture and beliefs. I only needed to understand them to bring about the necessary changes.

Understanding the people we are communicating with solves half of all communication problems and gives an advantage for transmitting the right message and securing the correct interpretation.

It is you that matters

We go through periods of self-doubt, most of us if not all, and we ask: Why would my opinion matter?”,  Why would he listen to me?”, or Will I ever get him to listen to me?”. I know of people who live in a state of continuous self-doubt. This self-doubt breaks the communication or hinders the establishment of any, mainly because it translates into uncomfortable body language signs, speech impairment, and discomfort or nervousness. If we want people involved in the conversation to listen and we want to gain their interest, our voice tone, speech, and gestures should convey confidence and power.

For example, busy managers are quickly deterred by hesitation, teachers barely tolerate babbling, and clients disregard insecure and shy salespersons. In today’s busy world, little time is available for meetings and conversations. Individual favor the quick, succinct, straight to the point, and beneficial conversation coming from a reliable and trustworthy source.

If at any point, the participants of a conversation lost interest or interrupted the communication; either the message bearer didn’t convey confidence and knowledgeability, or the message sounded insignificant, out of place, or discomforting. Communication is an art paralyzing for those who do not know it or learn it and liberating for those who do.

In communication, talking and listening is one step, speaking with the receiver’s state and background in mind is a second one, caring to know ahead the conversation participants is a third, and conveying confidence and security is the fourth. With these steps in mind, we can guarantee a successful communication in most of the cases.

Author: Lara Ghanime Khneisser