Communicating in a Virtual Environment

It may seem obvious, but one of the most important requirements for a successful therapy is actually meeting with clients enough times to make a difference. This is an issue because many clients struggle to attend sessions, especially when they have to travel to the therapist’s office or when sessions are scheduled in the middle of the workday. Although I was often told in my training that difficulty making sessions reflects resistance, the natural tendency to avoid change on the part of clients, I also understood that attending regular sessions actually is difficult.

When I first started in private practice, I made the decision to offer sessions via phone for clients who were unable to come to my office in person. Some of this was a reflection of my need to build up my practice – I couldn’t afford to lose clients who might otherwise work with me – but it also reflected my belief that working through resistance is a crucial task of any effective therapy. As long as clients would come in for a face-to-face assessment and their insurance allowed telephonic sessions, I would meet with them over the phone whenever they couldn’t make an in-person appointment.

This was at a time when virtual calls were almost nonexistent. (To be honest, we didn’t even have a computer at my practice, nor did I own one myself. I feel like I might as well admit that I rode in a covered wagon when I started out as a therapist.)

It was an interesting experiment, one that many of my colleagues thought was likely to fail, especially since most of my work is based on nonverbal communication and hypnotherapy techniques, but I came to believe that telephonic sessions could be just as effective as in-person ones.

The biggest challenge

I soon learned that the biggest barriers to working effectively over the phone were, for me, the temptation to multitask and how easily I became distracted.

It’s easy to rationalize paying less attention to the other person when we’re not face-to-face since they don’t see what we’re doing. I never took notes in live sessions but initially did so during phone conversations, hoping to reduce the amount of time I spent doing paperwork. I would also look at my assessment notes to make sure I remembered all the salient details and was able to follow up on topics from previous sessions.

I came to realize, though, that telephonic interactions required more focus, not less, and began doing everything I could to eliminate distractions.

Without any visual cues to rely on, I focused on paraverbal elements of the conversation, things like voice tone, pacing, volume, cadence, and so on. I listened carefully for indications of emotion: times when the other person hesitated, struggled to find the right word, became quieter or louder. I also paid more attention to my own voice tone and cadence, being as mindful as possible about the messages I was communicating along with my words.

It reminded me of talking with someone in the dark, where every sound seems amplified and small variations become noticeable.

Once I eliminated distractions and gave the conversation my full attention, I came to believe that telephonic sessions could be just as effective as in-person ones.

I found that I gesture just as much when I'm on the phone as when I'm face-to-face. I nod in agreement, shake my head, and lean forward as if the other person is right in front of me. I learned that I needed to consciously speak up and enunciate, something I still struggle with. I have to intentionally verbally communicate my attention and understanding consistently (“uh-huh” or “hm-hm”) and be deliberate in my voice tone and emphases. I believe these experiences improved my in-person verbal skills, too.

Those lessons served me well when I first began managing remote employees back when “calling in” meant just that, literally calling in on the telephone. Although it was more common by then (in 2001), videoconferencing only happened in the main conference room at my company at the time. Our laptops didn’t have webcams, no one I knew had a camera attached to their desktop, and videoconferencing equipment was a huge financial investment.

Again, I learned that telephonic meetings with my team required my full attention, even though they couldn’t see what I was doing and the temptation to multitask on my computer was often overwhelming. (Yes, I gave in to it at times.)

Later, when I began working remotely myself, dialing into my office in Atlanta from Portland, Oregon, I experienced the other side of the situation. I remember hours spent on calls with teams that were gathered in a room at the other end, struggling to hear people who weren’t close to a microphone or who spoke quietly, missing comments that led to laughter in the room, trying to imagine the information that was being shared on the screen they could see but I couldn’t, and often feeling like everyone had forgotten I was on the call. Those calls helped me to understand how not to connect with people virtually.

Now, everyone has virtual communication options and the amount of visual information being shared is much closer to the level available in face-to-face interactions. That can make it seem like we don’t have to pay such close attention to the conversation, especially since many of us have multiple monitors directly in front of us and can see the messages and reminders popping up on our screens. (For those who believe they can multitask during an online conversation without the other person noticing, I always ask, “Can you tell when someone you’re talking to is multitasking and not giving you their full attention?”)

The truth is that focusing and avoiding distractions is just as important as ever. Despite the addition of visual information, virtual communication still eliminates a tremendous amount of nonverbal data. We can only see the other person’s face and upper body, often excluding their hands and any gestures they may make, and paraverbal cues are only as clear as the audio connection.

As I wrote in a post about a year into the pandemic, virtual communication is handled differently by our brains and creates unique stresses. It doesn’t activate our neurological reward system as effectively as in-person communication, leading to feeling bored, tired, and unmotivated more quickly; “Zoom fatigue.” The difficulty reading others’ nonverbal cues contributes to a greater risk of miscommunication, along with an increase in the tendency to perceive others negatively. And the lack of shared mutual eye contact – the fact that we generally cannot both look into the other person’s eyes and into our cameras at the same time – disrupts our feelings of connection.

Add in that virtual interactions force our brains to work harder to process incoming information and that being on camera is stressful for most people, and it’s easy to see why communicating in a virtual environment is difficult.

Effective virtual communication

Once we’ve eliminated distractions and are focusing solely on our interaction with the other person, several tips can improve our ability to communicate effectively in virtual situations:

Use a virtual background to reduce distractions for others meeting with you. I tend to avoid using the blur function, since it doesn’t necessarily remove distractions (especially if there’s someone else moving in the background), and a virtual background can be selected that’s peaceful or calming. I prefer a scene from nature.

Invite others to interrupt or raise their hands if they’re having trouble hearing you or if there are any technical issues.

Be mindful of your voice tone, volume, and body language. Our voices often sound flat through speakers, so it’s a good idea to slightly exaggerate your verbal inflections, as if you’re projecting on a stage, but be careful not to be too loud or overly animated.

Look into the camera occasionally so others feel like you’re looking at them.

Since virtual communication is harder for our brains to process and creates less of a feeling of connection, it’s helpful to have more frequent but shorter meetings. This may include very short check-in meetings that are just opportunities to have a personal interaction and build a sense of connection.

This reminds me of something my colleague, Alton Meyer , said in a recent meeting: “Communicate when you don't need to, so it's easy when you do need to.”

Similarly, make a habit of starting virtual conversations with a brief personal exchange, asking about and sharing (appropriate) information. Communicating in a virtual environment makes it more important to explicitly ask about how the other person is doing and to truly listen to their responses with a sense of empathy and interest.

Effective listening in virtual environments

While it’s important to focus on what the other person is saying and how they’re saying it, remember that body language is subjective and resist the temptation to overinterpret. This is especially important since the research suggests we’re more likely to interpret things in a negative manner in virtual environments than in face-to-face interactions.

Similarly, we need to check our perceptions more frequently in virtual conversations, both to make sure that we’re truly understanding what’s being said (the content) and to verify our impressions about nonverbal elements of the other person’s communication, especially when we believe they’re expressing emotions nonverbally.

A note for managers

I believe all of this information is crucial for people managers, especially those who may not have been trained in the “soft skills” associated with communication, empathy, and connecting with team members. That’s doubly true in the case of difficult conversations around performance issues and disciplinary processes.

I’ve heard from a lot of people in the past that these kinds of skills cannot be taught, that you’re either born with them or you aren’t, but that’s absolutely untrue. With training and practice, we can all improve our people skills.

One place to start is by paying attention to your own feelings. Our emotions frequently reflect our perceptions of what others may be feeling, either in a congruent way (that is, feeling irritated when the other person acts angry) or in a manner that might be described as complementary (such as feeling fearful when we perceive the other as angry).

It's also important to pay attention to your gut feelings; if you have a sense that an employee isn't doing well, you might ask if there's anything you can do to help. Actions like that can improve our sense of connection and increase the other person's feeling of being supported.

And, in a virtual world, that’s more important than ever.

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A final thought that I don’t want to leave out but doesn’t fit well anywhere else in this: Effective communication, both in person and in a virtual environment, requires us to be as authentic, direct, and honest as appropriate for the workplace.

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For more information, see How to Improve Your Virtual Communication: Tips for Leaders.

If you or someone you know needs help, call 988 for any mental health or substance use crisis.

You can also call 1-800-273-8255 for the?National Suicide Prevention Lifeline?or?text HOME to 741-741 for support from the?Crisis Text Line. The?National Helpline for alcohol and drug abuse?is at 1-800-662-4357. All three are free and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day of the year.

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This piece is not intended as medical or legal advice. Always speak with your medical provider before initiating a diet or exercise regimen or if you have medical questions. If you have legal questions, consult with an attorney.

This article represents my own opinions as a non-physician and does not reflect the opinions or positions of my employer.