Communicating with Emotional Intelligence

I’ve facilitated a few workshops lately that have centered on emotional intelligence, and how building our emotional intelligence helps us to communicate more effectively – at work, at home, and in life. Since I’ve done a deep dive on emotional intelligence recently, I’ve thought a lot about how it shows up in my life. I’ve been reminded recently that whether we’re at work or at home, spending some time building our emotional intelligence is time well spent, and will help us build stronger connections with those who are important to us.?

While there are many layers to emotional intelligence, I’ve recently focused my study on two areas that look within us, and two areas that look outside ourselves toward others. When people talk about “the work” we need to do on ourselves, these four areas are great places to start.

Building Self-Awareness (Internal Focus)

Self-awareness is the ability to fully understand myself and my impact on others. I am more self-aware when I have an accurate understanding of my emotions and their effects on my behaviors. This means taking time to slow down and figure out what I’m actually feeling, and putting words to those emotions. If I wake up upset for some reason, (maybe I had a bad dream), what are the actual emotions I’m feeling – am I sad, angry, afraid of something?? Figuring it out and spending a few minutes naming and clarifying my feelings will help me to NOT transfer those emotions to others. And processing through those emotions helps me let go of them a bit more easily. But the point is to actually take time to name and process my feelings to understand them better. We have all pushed our emotions away, meaning to get back to them and contemplate them later. Chances are, we don't ever get back to reflecting on those strong emotions. If you must push them away for a short while, the point is to get back to them soon, to actually reflect on them and see if there is a larger issue attached to those emotions. Emotions are contagious, and I don't need to go negatively impacting someone else's day. My feelings are mine to feel and work through – no one else is responsible for my feelings but me. I take full accountability for my feelings and my behaviors, shifting the blame to no one else. Easier said than done, sure, but my aim is to get connected to what I’m feeling, before I communicate something with good intent but with a negative impact.?

I increase my self-awareness when I am honest with myself. Do I have an accurate assessment of my strengths, my vulnerabilities, and the areas I need to grow??What habits and ways of being aren't working for me anymore? The more accurate and real my assessment is, the more effectively I can focus on my shadow, my blind spots, and how others experience me. We all know people who think they show up one way, yet people experience them totally differently. I want to avoid being the person whose inside feelings don't match their outside behaviors. Getting feedback from others helps me get aligned and gives me a more accurate read on myself.

If I have an accurate and honest understanding of myself and where I need to grow, I can show up differently in the world, and live in emotional integrity - where my insides match my outsides, essentially. That what I am communicating to others is aligned with what I know to be true about myself. Emotional integrity is having the courage to work through my true feelings and wants, without being hypercritical of myself or looking through others’ lenses to get to what I’m feeling.?It is learning more about emotional integrity, and consciously practicing it. This gets easier as I get older, but I wish I had known more about emotional intelligence when I was younger - emotional intelligence would have saved me (and others) a lot of emotional energy, no doubt!

The Power of Self-Management (Internal Focus)

When I am aware and clear about my feelings and needs, I can use that information to build a more accurate understanding of my impact on others.?My behavior and words affect others, so how can I build my capacity to express my emotions in a healthy, productive way?? How can I better manage my stress, frustration, anger or excitement?? Can I "observe myself" in the moment, slow down a bit, and regulate how I react and respond appropriately to others' words and actions? Again, I am responsible for how I show up in the world. Only I can manage my emotions, control my emotional outbursts and know what my nonverbal cues are communicating. Is my response proportional to what is happening, and do I know all sides or am I making assumptions?? Stronger self-awareness helps me better manage my emotions and therefore communicate in a way that others are more apt to hear.

Building the capacity to manage my emotions is lifelong work, but when we practice self-management we also find new ways to be courageous, which are essentially fresh ways to manage our fears. Alas, I have opportunities to practice courage (or manage my fears and insecurities) almost daily. Slowing down and working through my strong emotions and the underlying fears is the main way I've built emotional intelligence. Working through life’s disappointments and failures helps me become more resilient, and that resilience helps me cope when life gets tough (pandemic, anyone)? Spending time reflecting is now a daily practice for me. Am I meeting my needs? What do I truly want in this situation, what are my goals? Getting clear on those things is always a good use of my time. Reflection can show up differently – sometimes journaling, sometimes meditating, sometimes taking a walk, sometimes talking with someone (and often it looks like me staring out the window with a cup of coffee). Giving myself that time to reflect and integrate new insights and lessons has become precious to me.?

My Awareness of Others (External Focus)

When we are aware and managing our emotions productively, we can turn outward toward others. Social awareness is our ability to build genuine relationships and bonds, as well as to express caring, concern, and conflict in healthy ways. Life is all about relationships, and no healthy, thriving life is complete without building our capacity to create and nurture healthy social bonds. At home this means nurturing our relationships with our partners and family. At work this looks like building relationships with our peers and boss, and with others in different departments, getting to know them as people, not for their roles. During a pandemic, it might be reaching out to connect with others in ways that help us get back out into the world, and back to the places we love together. Social awareness is also our ability to collaborate – to invite others into the conversation, and to value their perspectives, ideas and contributions.

Social awareness also means we’re able to resolve conflict in a healthy way, and to resolve differences that are part of the human experience. How can we work with others who are very different from us, but who we’re connected to through our organization. Or through our society, for that matter (we’re all connected as humans, so learning to listen deeply to diverse groups and people is part of emotional intelligence as well).?

Building Empathy as a Lifelong Pursuit (External Focus)?

Empathy is the ability to understand the perspective of others. And it all starts with respectful listening. I try my best to be fully present and listen deeply to someone to fully understand their experience or point of view. I put the phone or laptop away, focus on them and just listen. I try hard to slow down, listen and then ask thoughtful questions. I practice reflecting back to the speaker what I heard, and ask them if I understand. And I try hard to not make assumptions or judgments while someone is speaking. Am I perfect at this? No. But I do try to be consciously and fully present, and to listen deeply to others so that I have a better chance of getting to know that person, understanding their concerns, and building healthy interactions with them.

With empathy and deep, reflective listening, I have no shortage of opportunities to practice. Every day, in nearly every conversation, essentially. And wouldn’t this world be a better place if we all felt seen, heard and understood? Our presence combined with empathy make this possible, and is one of the biggest gifts we can give to others. Moving empathy into my consciousness in every conversation helps expand my perspective and adds to others feeling heard and understood.?When we start to look externally to others, we can be more conscious of the impact we’re having on others, so we end up managing the relationships in our lives in much healthier ways.?

Communicating with EQ

And what does emotional intelligence have to do with communication?? Well, whether we’re aware of it or not, we are communicating every day, all day long. Whether we’re speaking words, sending an email or communicating nonverbally through our expressions or attention on a Zoom call, we’re telling others something about who we are. At least who we are on that day.?Are we fully aware of the messages we're sending to others? Asking a friend or a colleague for feedback about how they experience you in certain situations will give you the gift of a more realistic assessment of whether what your communicating has your intended impact.

I have learned that the more connected we are to our emotions, the more authentically we’ll show up in life, and the more trusting and supportive relationships we will build. Understanding ourselves helps us understand the messages we want to send to others. There’s a reason that “know thyself” is at the core of all learning! Taking time to learn about and practice emotional intelligence and steps to build capacity in each of these areas is something that benefits people of any age or stage of life. Communicating from a grounded, more emotionally intelligent place will be lifelong practice for me, but it’s work I actually really enjoy. The more I learn, the less it feels like work, and the more I want to practice every chance I get. This practice helps me feel more connected to myself and others, and that alone has been a huge gift. And one that keeps getting better with time.