Communicating with the Bully

Andrea started her new marketing position with great enthusiasm, arriving at work ready to move mountains! It didn’t take long for her to realize something was wrong. The person teamed up with her was not as she’d imagined. Andrea’s contributions to projects were met with negative reactions: “This isn’t how we do it here” and “You’re too new to know about this.” Her team member would speak kindly to others but gave Andrea the cold shoulder when they were alone. This perplexed Andrea but, ever the optimist, she attributed it to being new at her job, saying to herself, “I just have to grow tougher skin... it must be because I’m new.”

However, it wasn’t long before she gave up toughing it out and began doubting her abilities. Andrea tried to adapt but nothing changed the negativity of her bullying co-worker. Finally, she reached the end of her rope and directly asked, “I’m doing the best I can but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Can you help me understand what the problem is?”

If you know someone like Andrea or have been in a similar situation, you’re not alone. Stories like Andrea’s occur every day in the workplace and often result with the bullied person leaving their job.

In this edition of Stronger, I’ll share tips to help you effectively deal with being the target of a bully. However, if things ever reach a point that you cannot handle, don’t hesitate to involve your supervisor or a human resources representative.

In a book on bullying, social psychologist Gary Namie defines it as, “the repeated malicious verbal mistreatment of a person (target) by a harassing bully.” Namie contends it occurs because of “the bully’s desire to control the target.” Bullying is not illegal harassment, physical violence or merely rudeness. It is targeted, persistent and often focused on a vulnerable person the bully wants or needs to control. Understanding and ending bullying involves focusing on this need for control.

Workplace bullies often have a position with some authority, tenure or experience, but they can also be in in a position of equal status as their target. Although women and men are equally likely to bully, recent findings indicate that women are more likely to be bullied by other women in the workplace than by men. You may know the term 'mean girls' — it mirrors the statistic that two thirds of women who bully are targeting women.

When dealing with bullies, the best defense is a strategic offense. Here are some strategies:

1. Establish your boundaries Before you interact with others — bully, or not — determine what you are willing to tolerate. When the bully tries to test your boundaries, you won’t be caught off guard. For example, if your boss tells you to pick up their dry cleaning on your way back from a meeting or feels free to rummage through your files without asking, you need to confront and diplomatically decline, or ask them to stop.

2. Don’t buy into unrealistic standards The workplace bully has impossible standards, setting up their targets for failure. But is it realistic for you to never depend on assistance from colleagues? Isn’t it OK (or normal) to not have all the answers about company procedures? Is it realistic to

expect that others will never make a mistake or be on-task 100% of the time? Don’t buy into it! Bullies want you to feel defeated and have you come across as incompetent. Keep this in mind and surround yourself with people who are your champions and want to see you succeed.

3. Resist the self-blame game Bullies latch onto targets who are kind and empathetic people. If you tend to doubt or blame yourself first before others, STOP NOW! Don’t ask yourself, “What could I have done to prevent this situation?” Instead, consider if there any systems in place so that it doesn’t happen again.

As part of your strategic prevention, you also want to be prepared to face your bully. Before you do, seek advice from people you trust and respect. Have they noticed this behavior? Is there a pattern of this behavior by the bully? Do they recognize any fault on your part? If you must, go two levels above the bully’s position to find an ally. But be cautious if you chose this option, as it’s possible the bully has formed alliances that may work against you. Be strategic and get your advice from allies or others you know are trustworthy.

When it’s time to confront your bully, keep these tips in mind:

1. Prepare both mentally and physically This will inevitably be stressful, so the more you’ve practiced and scripted your talking points, the better you’ll be at facing the bully. Be sure that you address them at a time of the day, or day in the week when you feel confident and strong. If you decide to speak to them in person, consider role-playing with a colleague beforehand. Remain calm and be assertive, avoiding any hedge words such as ‘just,’ ‘sort of,’ and ‘seem to.’

2. Establish a powerful stance Stand up instead of sitting when you talk to the bully. If you can, position yourself so there’s a barrier such as a desk between you and them. Meet in your office or a neutral space with others present, not in the bully’s office. Maintain strong eye contact even when the bully tries to stare you down. Speak with conviction.

3. Establish the right time for a meeting Don’t give into the bully’s ‘drop into your office space’ request. Keep the meeting short by establishing both the time you’re willing to devote to the meeting and topics for discussion.

4. Follow the SBI formula Developed by the Center for Creative Leadership for Creative Leadership, this formula refers to Situation | Behavior | Impact. Refer to the exact situation or context, describe the precise behavior that the other person is demonstrating, and be sure to refer to the impact it has on you, the organization, or the situation. In the case of the dry cleaning request, your approach would go like this.

Describe the situation: “The other day when you were leaving the office…”

Describe the behavior: “You asked me to pick up your dry cleaning…”

Reference the impact: “This personal task during work hours interferes with my workflow and impacts my productivity. You hired me to help you do X (describe your professional impact). This is something a personal assistant can easily handle.”

Bullying is a recognized problem in every workplace culture. Learning how to respond to and counter the typical behaviors of the workplace bully can help you stop them in their tracks.

I couldn’t think of a better expert to invite to this month’s LinkedIn Live than my friend and colleague Selena Rezvani ! Join us Thursday, March 21st 1:00pm EST as we share tips and strategies you can have in your back pocket when you need to address bullying behavior at work. Selena is a LinkedIn Top Voice, author of Quick Confidence , a Wall Street Journal best seller, LinkedIn Instructor and a speaker on leadership and self-advocacy. Talk about a perfect fit for this session! Sign up here and share this event with a friend or colleague.

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