Tools to Live in an Unkind World

Mental illness and hopelessness has not changed-it still affects the same age group and bullies and the bullied will exist until there are no more groups of people.

I am not a health expert but I know much more than I'd like to say about mental health issues from experience. I believe the thing that has changed is the way we raise our children and how the government and schools have approached the problem that has caused the rise in suicide.

Tools and Sports

Kids need to have tools to live in a real world that is full of bullies and nasty people who don't care about their feelings. There are no safe spaces, you will hear what you're going to hear and you better be able to deal with it and find strength in yourself to counteract. The "let's pretend the world is kind"-has not worked for anyone.

Kids should be able to lose and lose big in a sport without feeling less than. Parents should not be on the sidelines screaming, as if a loss is the end of the world. Losing big is a good way to teach humility, empathy. One lesson may be the coach is in the wrong field or the kids are just not the best at that sport and no they don't need a trophy so they still feel good. A trophy is only as valuable as the feeling of winning it-I've watched the kids laugh at participation trophies and they always keep score no matter what age.

True self esteem is when you actually achieve something, you're better than the rest, you've found your place and you feel confident about it. When we set children up to find self esteem in things they were never good at, we only create a feeling that is at the mercy of the truth which will eventually come. You're not a good baseball player and that's okay because you're good at something else. Kids will tell them the truth, other parents will tell them the truth-pretending only creates a discord between their reality and a false sense of greatness.

Bullies are Alive and Well and that's OK

Bullies are not some evil entity that children need to be protected from- the scary monster that arrives on the school yard is a child who has been bullied, a child that doesn't think enough about themselves. A bully needs help as much as the bullied.

The problem is violence is the enemy-so schools have a no tolerance policy so if the victim defend themselves, they are just as bad as the bully. The school will not be there to protect them, nor will the parent, nor will any person of authority so they better learn how to defend themselves.

The key is that children should engage in the normal violence when they are very young- it is aggression and it is not something to be ignored. It is something a child should learn how to cope with and choose better alternatives. Instead they are taught that aggression is somehow shameful, they should ignore it and this ugly monster is kept at bay.

When children are younger it is easy for that anger and frustration to be kept down by officials, parents, etc- but when a child gets older, bigger and even more frustrated they lash out and have no idea what they can do to another person.

When children fight on the schoolyard at a young age, someone gets a black eye, a bloody lip, then they usually become friends but both of them realize the strength they have, how it feels to lash out. They will learn empathy and self control instead of learning about their strength when they are older, stronger and more destructive.

Self Esteem, Self Control, Humility, Empathy and Compassion

The missing ingredients in our children.

Self esteem is something that grows like an oak-slow and steady with enough wood to support itself. If you grow a tree with weak roots it will eventually fall. Kids see and know more then think, they know if they're not good at something, they also know when they excel- help them find something they feel passionate about and let them create their own self esteem-the parent should only be there to add support and reassurance.

Self control is not something that can be taught with words in a text book-it needs to be experienced.`On a balance beam we are not their legs nor the beam itself-parents are the spotter, the net that is there but never touches them unless they fall.

Humility is a wonderful thing to feel when it is not the end of the world- it is an integral part of being a good human being. It allows a winner to win with grace and the one who loses with dignity. It will only be taught when focuses on others instead of always themselves. The world is not all about you should be taught and your feelings don't trump everyone else's.

Empathy allows us to step in other's shoes. We will often have to learn from trauma, hurt, and discomfort so we don't share the same with others. It is okay for children to feel pain, it is as much a lesson as pleasure and peace.

Compassion is the wheel that empathy creates-if we can see how others feel from our perspective we can practice how we treat others hoping for the same.

The most important thing I believe is the way children are taught to be self-centered because their self-esteem means everything and it is a parent's job to create, build and perfect it-the truth is they would be better off and be better to others if they realized the world did not revolve around them so make the world that revolves a little more pleasant for everyone else.