Coming out is personal!

The much-heralded announcement by Jake Daniels has a real personal tinge for me, as I reflect on my experiences as a young rugby player and what was going through my head at his age. I truly admire what he has done. I certainly wasn’t brave enough to open up to my team-mates, even though an announcement from me would not have been greeted with such a fanfare! For him to have done so when he knew what was coming deserves great credit.

Looking in at the hoo-hah, a BBC news article sums things up perfectly, when it said:

It shouldn't matter - and to many, it won't.

After all, it's 2022, and the idea that a footballer's sexuality should be newsworthy will seem, to most people, bizarre.

"Good luck to him, and let him play" - right?

But?Jake Daniels' decision to speak publicly about the fact he's gay?is a watershed moment, both for him personally and for British football as a whole.

It is completely true that we are making a big deal about something that really shouldn’t be a big deal, and part of me gets really annoyed about that. This really should not be newsworthy, but it is, as whilst society may be increasingly tolerant, there is still a stereotype of a gay man that is hard to assuage. This stereotype suggests that gay men are not interested in sports, that we lack the physical toughness that is needed for a sport like rugby and that we are likely to get distracted when surrounded by a team of athletic team-mates! This certainly does not apply to me and to many other gay men, but as we all know that is the nub of the issue with stereotypes, they ignore the wonderful diversity of the world and forget how different we all are.

This stereotypical view is nicely reflected by a story from my “coming out” journey at the grand old age of 25, when I was invited to a wedding by a friend of mine. I went with my boyfriend of the time (now my dear husband), not expecting to meet anyone else I knew. However, as I turned to see the bride walking down the aisle, I had the surprise of seeing a university rugby mate on the far side of the church – coincidentally, his fiancée was best friends with my mate’s wife! I introduced my boyfriend to him (without explicitly saying that is what he was!) and so the “situation” was only confirmed when the bride and groom returned from honeymoon and my mate’s fiancée asked to clarify whether that was my boyfriend. This led to the infamous reply from my friend that:

He can’t be gay, I’ve played rugby with him for years!

I’m not sharing this to criticise my friend. He is not homophobic and has shown this in the way he has been helpful and supportive to my husband when asked, and by the fact that the news changed nothing in the way he behaved towards me. He was and is a good person, and his viewpoint did not come from any discrimination or malice – it merely reflected the lazy stereotype that is shared and believed by many people. So ultimately, whilst the announcement from Jake Daniels should not have generated such a kerfuffle, I am happy because history tells us that a lot of noise is an important step on the path to normality. This is why this is such a watershed moment, so thank you, Jake, for showing us the way.

But whilst this is important, I also want to reflect on the personal nature of what Jake has done. To outsiders, the process of coming out often focuses on the fact that we are telling other people, but in many cases, this is just a consequence. When I was the young twelve-year-old playing rugby for Chiltern (in the first of the rugby pictures), I already knew I was different because I was wondering why I had a crush on a classmate from school and yet knew that I had to hide that and pretend I fancied Sharon Stone and Sandra Bullock! I didn’t say anything, not because of what others would think, but because I didn’t understand what I was feeling. Ten years later, I was the twenty-something playing for my beloved Wasps, and by that time, I fully understood why I was different - but I still kept it to myself. I didn’t say anything, not because of what others would think, but because I still had not accepted it myself. I only got round to telling people when I became happy with who I am, and so whilst this appeared like an exercise of sharing news about myself, it was really a happy moment of self-acceptance. So the greatest thing of this whole story is not the fact that his announcement will change the views of society, even if I very much hope that will happen. The greatest thing is that a young man (who happens to be a professional footballer) is able to say:

I am ready to be myself, be free and be confident with it all.

Now, that truly is something to celebrate!

James Wyatt, CFO of Our Future Health and author of The Art of Discussion