Coming Out and My Difficult Road Toward Heart First Authenticity

I want to introduce you to a concept that I call Heart First Authenticity, which at its core is about being true to yourself and acting in ways that are consistent with your values.???

I hope you don’t mind that my thoughts today are a little more personal than you might typically hear. Because after all, Heart First Authenticity is – in the end – hugely personal.??

The “Supposed To Track”

Growing up, I followed the “Supposed To Track”—get a part-time job at 16, earn good grades, graduate high school and college with honors, find the perfect corporate job, marry a gorgeous Jewish woman, have the cutest kids ever, and live happily ever after.?

The feelings I allowed myself to have as a child, teenager and adult were solely happy ones; the rest of my feelings went into this deep, dark black hole never to be discovered or talked about.?

At 33, I had achieved what I was “Supposed To” and more, yet found myself in a therapist’s office, almost to the week of the anniversary of my father’s death, with a confusing message. Here’s what I told her: “I’m married, have this house with a white picket fence and wonderful life in the suburbs, but have discovered that I’m gay and I’m going to have to leave my marriage and I’m really happy about all that.”

“Really?” my therapist asked, wondering how I can be happy, knowing the traumatic events that were about to follow—coming out, and leaving my wife, home, and life as I knew it. She saw right through the veneer of my polished, professional self. It’s then that I grabbed the pillow next to me and clenched it to my chest. Hard.

My therapist and I now laugh about the pillow that launched my journey of authenticity.?

In that moment, there was a huge disconnect between the words I was saying and my feelings. I thought my therapist would mirror my happiness that day and that we would wrap everything up in a nice bow in 6 sessions. Instead, what she did was question my happiness and help me reflect on what a difficult thing I was about to do.

Discovering Oneself

“I’m married, have this house with a white picket fence and wonderful life in the suburbs, but have discovered that I’m gay and I’m going to have to leave my marriage and I’m really happy about all that.”

As I reflect, there were several things holding me back from being myself. My sexuality was so repressed that I didn’t feel that I was lying. I felt that I was authentically in love with my wife at the time I was married. It didn’t feel like a lie or pretending. I had a ton of coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety I felt.?

It wasn’t easy or fun coming to terms with being gay, although it became relatively black-and-white. The larger questions about who I was— the real me—and how to find contentment in life, how to deal with life’s stresses and worries—were more difficult. I know many of us might have thought about the larger question of, Who am I?; I’d like to suggest if you haven’t or haven’t recently, it’s worth thinking about. It’s a BIG question and a critically important one that influences how you lead.

Who are you today? What do you value? How do you ensure your life reflects what matters vs. just being carried by the waves of the day-to-day, or like me, feeling caught on a “Supposed To Track.” Having answers and understanding yourself at a deeper level will change your inner dialogue, how you spend your time, and most importantly how you relate to others today. Plus, it gives you a view into the person you are yet to become.

Part of therapy for me was also a unique experience of having a relationship with someone who I really didn’t know, and where I couldn’t tap any of my chameleon-like qualities. Much like a chameleon that has the ability to change colors, I had the ability to change my thoughts or feelings, or attitudes in social situations to try and fit in. To be liked. To be accepted. Who doesn’t want that?

One way to get to know someone, of course, is by asking them questions...and I tried that with my therapist, figuring that the more I know about her, the better I could relate to her. For every question I would ask her, she’d ask one in return...without answering my question: “If I did answer that, what would the answer mean to you?”?

I was relentless in my asking questions of her, and she was relentless in her desire not to answer. All distractions from the real task at hand.

“The Difficult Road”

I quickly learned that I was going to have to go down what I now call “The Difficult Road”—this was very different from the “Supposed To Track” I was on—to get to where I wanted to be. I didn’t question it. Deep inside, I knew this was a journey worth traveling. I was finally not terrified of being sucked into that black hole. If I did get sucked in, I knew I wasn’t going to get lost in there forever; someone was going to pull me out. And it turned out that someone was me.

Starting on Your Path?

If you’re thinking about how to differentiate yourself in the future, how to find your authentic voice and build trust with your teams, or help others do that, or lead a more fulfilled life, I have a few thoughts that I hope are helpful for you.

Growing up, I watched way too much TV. My Saturday morning favorites were Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, HR Puff ‘n stuff, Scooby-Doo, and the Super Friends with its famous Justice League of America. I was always rooting for the hero...and wanted desperately to have a superpower! Being the good guy or hero and making a difference was always important to me.

Starting on a path toward Heart First Authenticity is a way to make a difference—for yourself and others. If you haven’t already, start your purposeful journey toward Heart First authenticity today

Authenticity Matters

People who lead with humanity get better business results, have healthier work lives, and excel in real, meaningful relationships. They have high ethical and moral compasses because they know themselves and are outwardly focused on others, and they sleep better at night.

Heart First is good for employees. In fact, 90 percent of employees believe empathetic leadership leads to high job satisfaction. Employees feel more comfortable with an authentic leader. There are fewer question marks about what’s on the leader’s mind because employees know what to expect, and that’s hugely motivating. People like them, they follow them, and they’re influenced by them in a way that’s seamless. In the end, authentic leaders who led with heart create fundamentally different relationships with the people that they lead and their peers.

Empathetic leaders often have a more engaged and higher performing team, as well as a more profitable business overall.

When you lead with heart, you help people be their best selves, bring a greater sense of purpose and meaning to every member of your team, and inspire them to achieve so much more for themselves and the organization.

Heart first is good for business. A Heart First approach decreases employee turnover, increases productivity, and increases efficiency. And 81 percent of employees in one survey said it increases company revenue.

Every person could benefit from being even more authentic and leading with their heart. Every team could benefit from members who lead with humanity. Every organization could benefit from employees and leaders who are truer to themselves and lead with heart.?

Your Authenticity Journey?

No matter what you seek, you can create the next steps for yourself versus following someone else’s pre-determined path.?

A big part of my journey was learning about myself—about how to not get trapped, and that I always have choices, even when I’m not at first able to see them. The choices are there; I now know I just have to look harder.?

As you move forward on this journey—know that you aren’t going to fail; you will succeed and continue to learn about yourself. If you find yourself stressed, or feel stuck, just listen to yourself, to your gut, take a step back and try to see the forest through the trees.?

When you’re approaching a mountain and are miles out, it seems really small. When you get to the bottom of the mountain and look up, you realize it’s huge. When life gets too big, back up a little bit. Sometimes when you’re too close to something, it can feel overwhelming. You feel incapacitated and can’t take the first step. Or, get to the base and don’t look up; just put your nose down and start. A CEO I used to work with often would say, “Jump in; the water’s fine!”

As you think about authenticity, remember that you have power— and you have choices...

I now know the value of feeling authentic. This is the other side of the anxiety I felt. I had all sorts of ways to fend off and cover up my anxiety. The process of looking at yourself can be very difficult in the beginning. But the value at the other end can be so worth the process.?

Today, I know there is no black hole that I’m going to slip and fall into. There is a great level of security. It’s this level of security in oneself, and the whole spectrum of feelings that go with it, that I wish for you.?

My journey started with a pillow and took me down the “The Difficult Road,” and lots in between, and brought me here, to this moment, and will take me forward. How will your journey start??

The time is now. The choice is yours. What will your first step be?

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As you start down your own path toward Heart First Authenticity, remember that you don’t have to go at it alone. Learn from my experience and dozens of other leaders in my book, Heart First.?

Get a free hard copy for you or your team as part of our Great Giveback Giveaway.

About David Grossman:

I’m Founder and CEO of The Grossman Group, an award-winning Chicago-based communications consultancy focusing on organizational consulting, strategic leadership development and internal communications.

For more than 30 years, I've counseled leaders on the importance of effective leadership communication to drive employee engagement and business results and served as a thoughtpartner? to top organizations including, Abbott Laboratories, Amsted Industries, Hillrom (now part of Baxter), Johnson & Johnson, Lockheed Martin, McDonald’s, Microsoft, and SC Johnson, among others.