Comfort Vs Conflict

If you have never been to the family court to give evidence, or even if you have given evidence on numerous occasions, it is inevitably an uncomfortable experience.

The plain truth of the matter is that it is designed to be that way.

When you are placed in the witness box, the whole idea behind placing you there is to 'stress test' you.

In other words, it's to see how your evidence stands up, when subjected to the most stringent of tests i.e. cross-examination.

I never forget the words a solicitor said to me just prior to me giving examination-in-chief.

He said: "I'm going to ask you a few simple questions. Take you to your evidence, ask you to confirm that it's your report, and that you stand by its contents, and then...I'm going to leave you to the wolves."

Now what's the image that springs to mind?

I don't know about you, but for me, his words instantly had the impact of conjuring up a vision of a pack of ferocious wolves, about to attack me.

Why did he say that to me?

Well, he wasn't being unkind, he was simply saying it as it is!

The court - family court or otherwise, is really a place of non-physical warfare - it's full of conflict and brutality.

Perhaps, you would not expect that from the family court.

But if that is the way you think, and you have to give evidence any time soon, get ready for an unpleasant surprise.

The point I want to make clear here, is that as a lawyer he would know what goes on in court.

You see, as I say in my book, outside on the streets when people are violent towards you and you're being attacked, you know how to deal with it.

You defend yourself by fighting back, you call the police, or seek to get away from your assailant.

But when you're in court in the witness box, how do you defend yourself?

There's nowhere to run and hide, and no police or kind person to come to your rescue.

You're on your own.

So it's vital to see things as they really are!

Those cross-examining you are not going to physically assault you, but make no mistake, their verbal onslaught's are every bit as damaging to your self-esteem, wellbeing and professional reputation, as physical violence is or can inflict on your body.

The more you think about it, the more I think you will realise, that in many aspects of your life, you're dealing with various types of conflict.

It's just that it's so much a part of your daily life, that you've learned to take it for granted.

You don't have to make a special effort to cope with it, because it's not outside of your comfort zone - it's a familiar part of life.

The same however, cannot be said about giving evidence because for practically every witness, being cross-examined is way outside of their comfort zone.

So one of your biggest battles...one you will have to master in order to give great evidence, is being able to feel relaxed enough to be able to respond appropriately.

When stressed, under pressure and defensive it's tough answering questions and presenting well.

But it's not really about being relaxed, it is about managing your state of mind and emotions, so that you're balanced enough to be both calm and alert.

This requires that you're able to master or exert a level of inner control over your attitude, thoughts and feelings, that allows you to respond cogently, instead of reacting inanely.

Being able to remain poised, keeping a calm, cool head, when in the midst of conflict and strife, is one of the most important skills you can master, both in the witness box and in the battle called life.

Venturing outside of your comfort zone undoubtedly brings a degree of conflict and demands of you courage and determination, but it is the only way you progress, develop and grow.