The Comfort of Control

If you are like me, the beginning of 2025 has been bewildering. There was uncertainty at the very beginning certainly but, suddenly, all old norms and beliefs were upended. If you are also like me, it feels really uncomfortable not being in control of what is happening and feeling almost victimized by politicians and political leaders.

This week's topic is control, anaklesis, and their impacts on our well-being.

In past missives, I have written about anaklesis. Anaklesis is the very natural human need to lean on things to feel whole. In this context, anaklesis is leaning on our beliefs, experiences and opinions. When something runs counter to our experience, we can feel lost and forlorn as we try to return to what we knew and believed.

Since the beginning of January, it has been a hugely anaclitic time. Norms and standards in Canadian politics have been upended, and, to make matters worse, the very fabric and form of our nation have been threatened by who were thought to be our friends. In the last week, those same expectations of diplomacy, statecraft, and political relationships have been thrown into turmoil, so much so that alliances that have stood for decades have been tossed aside in the space of days.

As all this has happened, I have worked through stages of my anaclitic response. I started first by ignoring the issues; this, too, shall pass. Then, the more powerful feeling of betrayal came into play; it was an emotional feeling of disloyalty by politicians and allies. After that, I moved into a space where I did not want to accept the changes happening. Whether it was the romper room of Canadian politics or the messages coming from south of the border, I expected it would all be nonsense, and nothing would change.

The issue is that it hasn't been a progression to a better place. Instead, I have found myself caught in a loop of avoidance, betrayal, and resistance. The real problem with this loop is that it is taking its toll emotionally and intellectually.

So, what do we do about it? Anaklesis represents our lack of power and control, and so, as a result, the issues of feeling towards the changing environment represent our inability to control those things that we rely on.

My epiphany this week was to get back to what I talk to clients about all the time. It is about understanding the nature of control and where and what control you have in circumstances. The control model occurs in three spheres.

The first sphere is the most important; the Sphere of Control. I have absolute clarity about what I control, and I am in control of that destiny. Our thoughts and feelings often represent this sphere. With awareness of where my thinking is going, I can control it.

The next sphere is that over which we have only partial control: the Sphere of Influence. In this sphere, my efforts, at best, give me only a 50% chance of being in control. In this sphere, I only have control over my own behaviour and responses and may only be able to influence others. The nature of our conversations with others characterizes this.

Finally, the Sphere of Interest (Concern) is the sphere I have been living in, which has entrapped me through my anaklesis. It is the sphere where I have no control whatsoever. Our interests lead to emotional responses that become unhealthy. I may take an interest and spend time concerned over what is happening, but I have no control over what happens.

So, for me, getting back to understanding this model and focussing on what I have partial control over, where I can influence things, and where I have full control over myself is key.

I started writing these missives almost exactly five years ago because of the maelstrom we found ourselves in during COVID-19. Now we are faced with potentially equally existential threats in an ever-expanding maelstrom. Still, by understanding anaklesis and how it impacts us, and working on expanding our spheres of influence and control, we can improve our lives and enable us to flourish. ??