Combating Negative Self-Talk

For many of us negative self-talk is a constant companion - that little voice in our head that tells us that we are not good enough, that even our smallest mistakes are noticed by everyone around us, and that attempts to better ourselves or try something new are doomed to failure. While we can often ignore this annoying inner critic, at times of stress and high emotion it can dominate our thinking and either prevent us from taking new opportunities or trap us in a cycle of rumination rather than enjoying all the good things going on in our lives.

The key to dealing with negative self-talk is being able to distance ourselves from these emotionally driven voices so that we can observe them more objectively. There are a number of ways to do this:

1) Distance ourselves from the situation by switching to a third-party perspective. If your best friend was experiencing your situation/negative self-talk, what would you tell them? We are typically a lot kinder to those around us so taking a third person perspective helps us become more objective and solution focused. This approach is also helped by talking to yourself in the third person - "Michael, you just need to get on and sort this, stop worrying yourself silly."

2) Distance ourselves by "zooming out" from the situation. In the bigger picture of our lives is what we are stressing about really that important? Often it isn't.

3) Distance ourselves by fast forwarding ourselves through time. Is what you are stressing about going to matter in a week's time? A month's time? A year's time? Probably not.

4) We can also distance ourselves by normalising what we are stressing about - usually it is a problem that has been experienced and overcome by many people before us, and perhaps even by ourselves in the past.

5) We can distance ourselves from what isn't going well for us by switching focus to all the things that are going well. While some people acknowledge this by keeping a gratitude journal, my preference is to pause at times during the day and appreciate things that are going well or enjoyable, for example, a piece of work completed, a "perfect" cup of hot chocolate, or the pleasant sensation of the sun's heat when I'm walking outside.

6) In addition to distancing techniques it is also useful to look at any situation that is stressing us and identify what we can and what we can't change and to focus on the former. You may not be able to change a poor mark in an assessment you have done, but you can learn from it to do better in the next assessment.

7) Anytime we make a mistake, there is nothing we can do to change it (unless you have a time machine) so the best course of action is to accept it and learn from it.

Many of the above techniques are adapted from other authors, in particular Ethan Kross whose book "Chatter - the voice inside our head and how to harness it", is a great read.

I have developed several techniques myself.

One technique is to use music to shift my focus and shut down negative self-talk. Energetic, upbeat music either instrumental or with positive lyrics is very effective in shifting me into a positive mood where it is easier to ignore my inner critic. My top picks include "Phoenix" and "Legends never die" from League of Legend, "Unstoppable" by Sia, "These boots were made for walking" (I prefer the original by Nancy Sinatra), and a lot of the music produced by Two Steps from Hell (including "Jump!", "Dragon rider" and "For the win").

A related technique makes use of Youtube. I find clips of the point in movies where the underdog wins out really uplifting and have a library of clips from movies ranging from The Sorceror's Apprentice to Mulan. When they are paired with an inspiring soundtrack it is a double whammy of positivity.

Right now my inner critic is warning me that everyone is going to be judging me for my weird music and movie tastes but as I am listening to "Phoenix" while I type this, I've put him in his box and told him he can stay there if he has nothing useful to say.

I hope you find this useful. If we can conquer the negative self-talk in our heads, I truly believe we can fly.