Collective Grief: Leaning into the Power of Yet

I still wake up at night ready to run to my mom as she struggles to breath or vomits from liquid build up in her stomach. She died in February despite our best attempts, after being diagnosed too late with an aggressively growing stomach cancer.

Who are you: Covid-19 grief impacts our identity

After my mom died, I found myself questioning my worth. She fought to the end, and I wasn't able to save her. The business I helped start no longer feels right for me. These days almost all of us are going through some level of fear, feeling of failure or grief, and questioning as the things we used to pride ourselves in are lost from

1. A loved one who dies,
2. A job or role we played disappears,
3. A start up we were working in or investors we were working with close doors,
4. Wealth accumulated through years of careful investment dissipates in a matter of weeks, or
5. Confidence in our ability to make difference in this extraordinary time

For several intense months my brother, sisters and I focused on how do we manage first my mom’s fear, then her pain and finally her last few days when every breath was a struggle.

With that monumental purpose gone, my sense of self-worth changed. In normal times, my grief would be personal. In February, I worried about the acceptable time limit for “getting over it,” and moving on. That timeframe wasn’t long. Today with so many facing loss, grief is another pandemic. The scope of Covid-19 and resulting uncertainty is forcing us to sit still for a still unclear time period.

How resilient can you expect to be right now?

CNN’s Anderson Cooper asks people he interviews whose loved ones have died, “How are you holding up.” A week after my mom died, I giggled and burst into tears when a dear friend asked me if I was ok. I mean no, of course not. But we want that stop watch or timeline on grief and we want people to show resilience even if they don’t feel it.

The urge to overachieve moving on is, according to the New York Times, part of the United State’s always on work culture. You see it in business teams trying to recreate team lost by physical presence through challenges - like TikTok or workout of the day - and then using Slack or Google Hangout to promote or check mark the achievement. Nearly every day on my LinkedIn feed there is someone posting a get fit mentally or physically challenge. Joining drives a shared experience over virtual engagements. It can also make those who fail the challenge feel more isolated.

When so many losses pile up to so many, nothing fills the void. Personally I don't know how to deny this my reality and then move on.

Dealing with loss

Normal rituals for closure like saying goodbye or holding a funeral matter are part of the milestones we use to move forward. In a time of social distancing, that just isn’t possible. Families are saying goodbye to loved ones via FaceTime and a mother, a father, a child dies so suddenly and alone.

My mom died a month before Covid-19 but she didn’t want a ceremony. She thought it was depressing to go to elderly friends’ funerals and see the dwindling numbers of mourners. So we said goodbye the morning she died before the funeral home picked her up. Two weeks later her ashes came back and my dad put them in their bedroom to wait for his. 

In the two months since she died, I realized I don't want to go back to the start up I co-founded. We had pivoted our strategy pre-pandemic, and there isn't work that drives me. Right now I crave the structure of being part of something rather than being out in front.

Bad timing. I didn’t realize I would be looking for a new mission, role and team when the world is heading to recession. Some days I am excited to talk to people. Other times, the effort of networking seems too much. There is little comfort that I am amongst 16-25M Americans.

Finding power in “Yet”

I started this post as a ‘Five Things I learned about Grief’ or something relentlessly chipper about resilience and moving forward. But that isn’t me right now. I suspect it isn’t a lot of us. Instead I will close with a three letter word gift from my good friend @Elizabeth Nicolosi.

To every spoken anxiety she responded, “Yet.” The great thing is that “Yet” can be applied across so many things small and big:

• I haven’t tried to figure out where my missing Amazon delivery is yet
• I cannot stop eating everything in the fridge yet
• I haven’t stopped the pharmacy auto-refills for my mom’s prescriptions yet
• I haven't figured out what I do next yet
• I don’t feel resilient yet

One day I will. 

In the meantime, the idea of “yet” feels hopeful. Maybe it will to you too. If anyone wants to join me on a journey of “yet,” leave a comment!

Betsy Tong is a business architect whose passion is scaling operations. She is among a network of executives sharing their points of view on well-being, career and business during these turbulent times. Join HiPower executives in the discussion here.