The Collapse of Trust: How Divided Realities Tear Worlds Apart
James Kane
Cognitive Scientist ?? | Keynote Speaker | Transformative research into human CONNECTIONS (Sticky & Stuck) | faculty at Harvard, Penn State, Wash U in STL
In a time when facts are being debated and beliefs constantly clash, trust has become increasingly fragile. This essay unpacks the true nature of trust, revealing that it’s not a universal standard but an alignment of our values and expectations. If you’re ready to understand why trust is eroding and how to rebuild it through shared social realities, this is the place to start.
A World Divided
Imagine living in the early 1600s when society was at a crossroads in understanding the universe. Half the population believed that the Earth was the center of everything, and the Sun, along with all the stars, revolved around it. This idea, known as the geocentric model, was deeply rooted in centuries of religious and philosophical thought. Then came Copernicus with his heliocentric theory, suggesting that the Earth orbited the Sun. It was radical, almost offensive, to many. This wasn’t just a scientific debate; it was a clash of worldviews. Accepting a new model meant questioning long-held beliefs, undermining the authority of the church, and, for many, changing the way they understood their place in the cosmos.
People resisted the heliocentric theory not simply because they doubted the science. They resisted because it threatened their social reality—the collective understanding that shaped their world. Social reality is powerful. It defines what we consider normal, true, and valuable. When that reality is challenged, it can feel like the ground beneath us is crumbling. And this wasn’t the only time reality shifted. Think of the transition from believing in divine monarchies to democratic rule, or more recently, the shifts in understanding around issues like gender and identity. Each transition brought upheaval, resistance, and, ultimately, a realignment of what society accepted as “truth.”
The Construction of Reality
Social reality isn’t an objective truth; it's a construct of our minds, which is why these disagreements arise. Our brains actively shape our social reality through a complex process influenced by our experiences, what we’re taught, what we learn, what we accept and choose to believe, and what we reject. Over time, these factors create a framework in our minds, defining how we perceive everything around us.
For example, when a tree falls in the woods, it doesn’t ‘make a sound’ in the way we often think. It creates sound waves, but it’s our mind that interprets these waves and decides they are a “crash.” We learned to label that noise through our experiences. Similarly, color isn’t inherent in objects. An apple isn’t ‘red’ by nature; the ‘redness’ is a mental construct. Our brain interprets light wavelengths and assigns color based on what we’ve been taught.
The same goes for more abstract concepts, like what we find funny or how we define love. A joke that makes one person laugh might fall flat for another because humor, like color, is shaped by our upbringing, culture, and experiences. Love works the same way; we each have our own idea of what love looks and feels like, constructed from the stories, relationships, and lessons we’ve absorbed over time. In each case, our minds create meaning based on what we’ve learned, not on an inherent truth in the world around us.
This constructed reality is generally shared with others. We often have a common social reality within our families, communities, societies, or even as a world. But sometimes, individuals break away from the common social reality, creating their own beliefs or aligning with others who exist outside the norm. Society functions when the majority of people share a social reality—it provides a foundation for agreement on what is right, wrong, real, or fake. But when these shared realities fracture, society can descend into chaos and conflict. That is the world we’re living in today, and it’s at the root of much of the stress and uncertainty we feel.
Consider money as an example of social reality in action. A $20 bill is just a piece of cotton and linen, practically worthless in terms of its material. Yet, because we have all agreed that it represents a specific value, it becomes meaningful in transactions. Now, what if a group starts rejecting that agreement, claiming that the bill is only worth the paper it’s written on—three cents? Technically, they aren’t wrong. But this alternate belief disrupts the shared reality that underpins our economy, creating a divide that’s almost impossible to bridge.
Conflicts in Social Realities
We are now living in a time when social realities are in conflict. We look at half the population and ask, What are these people thinking? We see science and expertise dismissed in favor of individual opinions and conspiracy theories. Cable news channels offer “alternative facts,” and social media gives an equal platform to anyone who can create a fake name and avatar—or, even more concerning, a more influential platform to those who can accumulate the most followers, regardless of their credibility. Our social realities of what is good, what is bad, what is right, what is wrong, what is true, what is false, what is real, and what is fake are no longer clear. The lines have blurred. As a result, trust becomes increasingly impossible. Without a common reality, there is no common ground on which trust can be built.
This is what makes navigating different social realities so hard. When Copernicus introduced the heliocentric theory, it wasn’t merely a new idea; it was a threat to the existing reality. People had to choose: continue living in a universe where everything revolves around them, or accept that they’re part of a much larger, less human-centered system. Social reality, once fractured, makes coexistence increasingly complex.
Trust and Social Reality
This brings us to trust. Everyone assumes they know what trust is, but most don’t. We’ve been taught a romanticized version of trust, defined by ancient philosophers and poets, and passed down to business leaders, educators, and self-help gurus who talk about it today. It’s often described as a symbol of virtue, a mark of moral character. To be trustworthy is seen as the epitome of a reputable person. But that’s not how our brain sees it.
There are two things you should know: our brain doesn’t want us to be transparently trusting, nor does it want us to be fully trustworthy. If we were, we’d be vulnerable to those who might take advantage of us. Think of it this way: if a giant “T” for trustworthiness were tattooed on our foreheads for everyone to see, it would be easy for others to exploit us. Our brains evolved to keep some level of mystery and protectiveness, allowing us to navigate social interactions without exposing everything. Trust, then, is not a universal virtue. Instead, it is a negotiation—an alignment of beliefs, standards, and expectations.
We often don’t consider trust this way, especially when it comes to non-human things. If you don’t trust your car to make a cross-country trip, it’s not because the car has failed some moral test; it’s an objective judgment based on its condition and track record. Similarly, if you don’t trust a train to arrive on time, it’s not a reflection on the train’s integrity. We’re perfectly rational in how we assess trust in machines, systems, and schedules. But with people, we make it personal. We turn trust into an ethical judgment, as though it reflects some inner virtue or flaw.
But trust in people follows a similar logic. To trust someone, you need to believe they align with your own social reality. Let’s break this down into key elements:
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Competency
Trusting in someone’s competency means believing they have the experience, expertise, and knowledge to handle a task in the way YOU expect. But what defines competency can vary greatly depending on your reality. You might believe only someone over 50 is qualified for a certain job, or perhaps, in the context of new technology, you might think only those under 30 have the necessary skills. Your standards, your beliefs, your social reality shape who you trust.
Character
Character is often seen as the moral aspect of trust, but it’s not absolute. It depends on how well someone fits into your idea of what is right, fair, or ethical. One person’s sense of integrity might completely clash with another’s. Trust in character is about aligning with your beliefs of what it means to be “good” or “just.”
Consistency
When it comes to consistency, trust hinges on how predictable and reliable you find someone. Yet, this too is subjective. Your definition of “reliable” might differ based on your experiences. Does someone always follow through, or are they only consistent under specific conditions? Your perspective shapes how you judge their reliability.
Capacity
Finally, there’s capacity—the assessment of whether someone can actually fulfill what you need. This could involve judging if they’re too small, too remote, too young, too old, or too busy. These judgments are not universal; they reflect your beliefs and the social reality you inhabit.
Trust, then, is not a universal standard or a reflection of someone’s moral character. It is a dynamic, contextual alignment of beliefs and expectations.
Conclusion: Trust and the Alignment of Realities
So, what does this mean for us? To earn someone’s trust, you must first understand their social reality and not assume it aligns with yours or even with that of the wider society. You need to grasp their standards and beliefs about competency, character, consistency, and capacity. What do they consider the right experience, the right morality, the right level of reliability? Only by understanding this can you see whether your reality aligns with theirs. But it doesn’t end there. You also have to decide if you’re willing to accept their social reality as valid enough to seek their trust—or to offer yours.
Consider Copernicus and his advocates. They didn’t compromise what they knew to be true to accommodate those who wished to believe otherwise. They made their case, offered better explanations, and accepted that some people would not trust them. And that’s the lesson: if someone doesn't trust you, it's not the end of the world, and it's certainly not a flaw in your character. Their beliefs are simply different from yours. Accept that you may never trust one another as long as that remains the case, and move on.
Like Copernicus, seek those who align with your reality; trust doesn’t orbit around your beliefs—it is centered on those you share.
Take the Next Step: Aligning Your Beliefs for Stronger Relationships
Understanding trust and social reality is just the beginning. To truly build stronger, more meaningful relationships, you need to evaluate whether your beliefs and social reality align with those that matter to you—whether in business or personal life.
I’ve created a workbook specifically designed to help you through this process. Although it’s geared toward client relationships, the exercises apply to any relationship. Download the workbook using the link below:
Refer to the “Easier” section on pages Pages 17-57 to get started.