The coldest winter I ever had

There is an almost indescribable joy in having ones tastebuds slowly return after living through a year and a half without them. All those foods you couldn't eat, one by one tasting and feeling like normal again. Breads. biscuits, cakes, candy... all good. Chocolate... still in small doses. Very small. I still have a half eaten easter egg in my fridge. Seafood is all gooda. But meat... still cant do red meat or sausages or burgers. I can maybe have two bites but then that awful feeling of mush in my mouth and the meat is fed quickly to the seagulls. Eggs and Fish are good. Zucchinni is good... carrots tomatoes apples oranges lemons lettuce... all gooda... chiz... mmmm some chizes ok like Bega tasty. Noodles good. And proper Malaysian with thin rice noodle small chicken chunks laksa all ok... thank christ.

I've put on nearly 5kg in two months since my tastebuds kicked themselves back into life. I can see it in the mirror. Not so hopelessly skeletol. Protein works. And I like getting mine via North Queensland king tiger prawns, Moreton Bay bugs and blue swimmer crabs and maybe a quick half dozen natural Sydney rock oysters with lemon and rock salt. I can deal with that once a week. All gooda. It's the other six days I gotta get worked out. I cant live on Muesli, Fruit Toast, Eggs and bacon, Milk, Juices, Jelly Beans and hospital ham and pickle sandwiches - the other source of protein for me three days a week. Actually i lie. I can live on all that... I do. But that doesn't make it right.

Life here in Coffs for me is pretty utilitarian. My apartment faces the ocean, a block away, and I can hear the surf at night. And I get the sea breezes from the north and south.That is if I have the big glass window doors open. Not recently. It grows cold here in Coffs Harbour. This last week or so. Heaters On. Jackets scarves On... and watch the shadows grow across the room in the afternoons as the sun makes its way North across a fading sky. I didn't notice winter last year. I probably did but I just cant remember it. Not like this one. This one grows cold. On my sleepless nights I pull the blinds all the way down so the cold doesn't seep thru the glass into my living room. My ceilings slope from 9 feet to 16 feet. There's no insulation in the roof - the fire alarm guy told me. But I have a couple of those oil bar heaters. Actually we had them in China and they were gooda. Beijing gets cold. I mean mind-numbing people dying cold. But you come to love it. Especially when you have that someone warm and creamy to share it with... sigh...

There's an old saying: "No genius was ever born of the tropics..." Maybe so, but a smart guy will sire smart offspring regardless of the climate. Well that's what I reckon anyway. But I'm done with kids. No more. I love 'em all to death and they know it - but 4 is enough. I'm getting a tattoo on my forearm JNAM in a funky gothic typeface I found. It will give me some sort of symbolic finality on the subject and provide a permanent reminder that THIS IS ENOUGH MATE. Plus with my veins, it should look pretty dope - when done by my trusty cartoonist tattoo guy. Mister accurate.

I have a friend coming up from Sydney this weekend. I haven't seen her in must be fifteen to twenty years... I'm going to share a bottle of a really nice Sauvignon Blanc with her and look out to sea and catch up on all the goss. I haven't had a drink in at least 18 months. Not a drop. Maybe that's why I cant sleep. But I'm going to have a drink this weekend. I think my tastebuds are ready for a chilled mild Sauv Blanc.

As you can gather, life here is pretty quiet. So long as expectations are kept to a bare minimum, then it should be OK. Another year, year and a half, then its transplant time. And I guess if I make it through that still intact I will look back on my 450 mornings on dialysis with a fairly uncomplicated view. Loneliness is hard work. But it does make you appreciate conversation with others, companionship, caring... I have come to learn is a critical part in the human experience.

Through the last two toughest years in my life, I've experienced the best and worst in people. I've learned we never really know anyone. That people are capable of appalling behaviour. And acts of uncompromising unselfish love. Ive been caressed by a young lady from the sea when I was so low I just wanted it to all end. And she fixed me right up. It's interesting how long you can run on flat batteries. It's not good, but i've run for a week on flat batteries. Its a weird feeling. Sort of like you are two feet away from where you actually are. I don't recommend skateboarding at times like that.

My guitar playing muscles didn't let me down. A lot of other things have let me down in life but not them, even after all they've been through... i will never forget that night i put on the telecaster after at least six months not playing it - following the two canula operations in my left arm... then the blood clot in my shoulder. three ops later, that night I picked up the tele, I plugged it in and put Gregg Allman on. And played along in time in tune as I used to... oh man... i think I cried - but I did get down on my knees and thanked God. After all it is he I let takeover my playing those times when I really get cooking. F#ck I miss it. Playing with others. Good others. I miss The Nuns. We cooked. Three piece band. We'd ring in singers to sing the songs we had lyrics for. Ah man, those were the days and was great being a kid and getting away with a ton of shit you couldn't today. Life.

Where do The Black Crowes get off being so good? What a voice. What great songs. What a guitar band... But I digress...

Ah yes, the cold. I like dawn in the cold... the half light breaking through the fog on an open highway in the middle of nowhere. Or on the beach. Dawn is a slow process. The coldest time of the day. No wind, The distant drone of a truck's big diesel revving down with the engine brakes on, rolling down the hill to the first stop sign on the highway north. The crack of a wave at Park Beach, indicating still and glassy conditions.... but as I put on some more weight and my steamer wetsuits will fit me properly once again, I'm going back into the water. Sort of like some primeval beast returning to his birthplace. All things return to the sea.... but I do need to get my surfing strength back. Then I shall be fulfilled. And I might wear myself out again and finally get some sleep.

When the rain came I thought you'd leave

'Cause I knew how much you loved the sun

But you chose to stay, stay and keep me warm

Through the darkest nights I've ever known

If the mandolin wind couldn't change a thing

Then I know I love ya...

Mandolin Wind - Rod Stewart