Cold Outreach: A Symphony of Shite and the One Genius Who Got It Right

Back in 2021, Ole R. and I were bemoaning the state of business development techniques over dinner, specifically cold outreach emails and their lack of targeting, creativity and focus.

Ole went on to write a great thoughtful, insightful, and measured article on how to more effectively target the c-suite.

You can read it here:

Link to Ole Article….

Fast Forward and I think I can say with absolute certainty that nothing has changed and nothing has been learned since 2021….Unlike Ole I wont be measured or insigtful, I am going to be bringing my usual grumpy self to the party

Unfortunately, I am in the lucky position of having run a few companies both UK and abroad, been interim in a few others, and having a Non-Exec career…this means in plain speak that I am on multiple mailing lists and enjoy a veritable cornucopia of shite that litters my mailbox every single day.

Every year I say I am going to analyze the amount of crap I get and every year I don’t….

Guess what this year I did….so for all those out there that talk about the “power of cold outreach” let me give you a buyer's eye view of the people that you employ or contract to pester the life out of me.

Between LinkedIn and my business Email accounts (2 mailboxes) this year I have received 6,372 pieces of cold outreach….This is not M&S offering me a meal deal, or HSBC offering me a new mortgage (amazing since I have been with them for 35 years), but B2B first contact…..

I have been called: Litchard, Richard, “Insert Name”, Louise, Tom, Kenny, Ryichrd (This is my Japanese middle name), Samantha (how the fuck did they find out about that one indiscretion in Thailand) and a variety of other non de plumes…

I have been “badly” sold; A step-by-step process for getting 3 to 6 highly qualified leads a week by Nick Dowling even though in the first email I said no thanks he continued – so that's the system just ignore the no thanks and voila you have a highly qualified lead ?- genius

A guaranteed system to scale your business from Thomas who has run three businesses and all have made the sweet sum of “a middle of a donut” as per his balance sheet.

A unique email outreach system (yes, fucking really), A new talent system (clearly not in cold outreach writers), Marketing and Sales Consultancy (what is it I do again), also Paige Thomson wondered if I had ever considered a career in Non-Exec work or coaching..WTF….can’t you read a profile???

And what have a bought from these six thousand three hundred and seventy-two providers….not a fucking thing!!

Now the question is did I buy anything….well yes, I did….I bought 45K of IT equipment from a cold caller, who phoned me and pitched his company to the tune of the Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter – following a post I made on LinkedIn..thoughtful, clever, smart, specific to me, creative and last but not least given my humor which is on display in every post I write he knew it would work…..

His variation on Benjamin D. “Would you like to hang up or give me 1 minute to sing to you”…just about had me reaching for the chequebook by the end of the first verse…I asked if I could mention his name in the article but (DC) refused… ??

My answer to the question is cold calling dead is quite firmly NO, especially if it is targeted, creative, specific and focused on me as a buyer

My answer to the question is cold outreach email dead….I just wish they fucking were…they are bland, badly written and mostly aggravating.? Sending shite out to 1000s of people must be the best way for sellers to convince themselves that they are generating opportunities as opposed to doing the job well and with focus.

……stop telling me about how you engage meaningfully, or how global events present me with a challenge, or tell me about the fact that we haven't spoken for a while (when we never have and I wouldn’t know you, even if you were giving me flowers and kissing me with your tongue), or hows my family…none of your buisness…or my recent personal favorite…” boosting fast effective value communication that promotes insights and opportunity while supercharging your sales”….what the fuck!!!! What does that mean, what language are you speaking….

Finally, no year-end would be complete without an award ceremony and I have decided that this year's ACME award (a ￡20 Amazon voucher for the first person to work out the acronym)……goes to…….drum roll……………….

A late (but by no means less fucking annoying) entry by John Sweeney of The Business Exit Academy…who between 17/12/24 and 08/01/25 has sent me 10 emails..opening on the 17/10 with its “been a while since we have spoken…” – John, this is only because I moved country to get away from you and you still found me - I am going to talk to Elon soon and see if he can stick me in a Space X Heavy!!! to yesterday's “Hi Richard, Imagine this…”

John also won a special place in my heart because he writes in that

Annoying

Couple of words per line

Double spaced

Irritating manner

Congratulations John

And Thank you…for

Filling my inbox

With your mind-numbingly boring shite

Especially

On Christmas Eve

And Boxing day – and those other 8 days that you mailed me..

Finally thanks for turning irritation into a fucking art form

?

Have a great 2025, everyone….and long may your inbox be clean…