"Cognitive Dissonance" - The key to getting your way with people in negotiations
Dr. Claudia Winkler
I help Tier 1 lawyers negotiate, communicate and self-promote for their best results. Keynote Speaker and Trainer. Supported 10k+ professionals live in 30 countries and 15k+ online in 126 countries.
What you will learn today: how being appreciative of the person on the other side helps you get what you want; how to create "cognitive dissonance"; how to balance being soft on the person and hard on the problem
The 2nd pillar of the Harvard win-win principles talks about "being soft on the people, yet hard on the problem".
Very logical, no?
I'll admit, I had no idea how to practically go about that when I first heard it many years ago :D
Okay yes, makes sense in theory, but what does this mean? How do you do that? What does it feel and sound like?
To this day, more than 10 years later, I have still only met a handful of people who truly excel at this. But those who do seem to get everything they want. It is that powerful!
"Soft on the person, hard on the problem"
The very first time I saw this skill in action was when I stood behind my friend's wife who made a phone call to Macy's (a US department store) to complain about a late and wrong delivery of a trench coat she needed urgently for a friend's birthday. She was now asking that Macy's send her the right item overnight express at their expense.
Imagine you stand behind her as she is making her call. This is what it sounded like (try to fake an American accent and read this out loud if you can for dramatic effect, then tell me what you noticed)
Yes, hello, hi Dorothy, how are you .. Fine thank you.. Listen, Dorothy, I need to file a complaint about my last delivery again, ..? yes, the coat was delivered in the wrong size ANOTHER time – I am VERY frustrated right now … mhm.. mhm , I understand Dorothy, and I am so sorry you are getting the end of this but this is unacceptable and I need to have that replaced ASAP and no time to walk to the post office! Again, I am so sorry Dorothy this is coming to you.. .. how can that even happen, it's been delivered wrong ANOTHER time after I had already complained last week?!? … Again, Dorothy I know you have nothing to do with this and I am sorry you are getting the end of it but I am really frustrated with the service your company has provided there … yes, okay, thanks so much Dorothy for helping me resolve this ... No I definitely need to have this sent over-night express now to have it in time for my friends birthday. And I certainly would appreciate a good discount for the hassle I had to go through twice now. .. Okay, okay that sounds good, .. Alright, thanks so much Dorothy for helping out and being so nice. You’re the best, thanks a lot, really, take care… . You too, you too, bye.
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Did you hear what she did? “Thank you so much, Dorothy, I am so sorry you are getting the end of this”. “No, I definitely?need to have this sent overnight express” “This is unacceptable service” “Dorothy you’re the best, take care”
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She is extra friendly and appreciative to the person, saying thank you and sorry, using her name, changing her tone of voice when she talks to her, but at the same time asking in a determined way for what she needs and expressing her frustration. She is soft and supportive of the person, and hard on the problem – at the same time.?
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This is a brilliant strategy that you should use in any negotiation:
?1) They are not expecting you to be nice and demanding at the same time and that throws them off balance a little – leaving you at an advantage.
2) This duality creates cognitive dissonance for them because their mind wants to classify you as “friend or foe” so it knows how to react. But it can’t because every time you say something nice you follow up with a serious demand, again followed by something nice. So that catches people off guard.
3) AND it triggers their need for reciprocity. Humans are primed to reciprocate the behaviour they are faced with. We are kind to people who are kind to us, and unkind to people who are unkind to us. If you are supportive and kind to them while also being hard and demanding on the substance they are torn about what to do. And often they feel like they must give back on the kindness that you give them.
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Try it out, it is not only a more comfortable but also a more successful way to negotiate! ?
To your success!
Your Negotiation Whisperer
PS: Any questions, examples or thoughts? Other topics you want to learn about? Comment on the post below and let's talk!
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1 年i believe learning isn't only about new stuff but it can be as important and powerful if you're reminded about something you've forgotten or learning can happen when structure is given to something you already know, or it could even validate what you thought might be a good thing to follow. This post did all three for me - so amazing Dr. Claudia Winkler .loved the cognitive dissonance bit. thank you for sharing
Philosophy-Infused Business Strategist | Negotiation Expert | Certified LBT Consultant | Strategy & Sustainability Specialist | AI Ethics Advocate | Driving Innovation and Ethical Growth
1 年Very interesting reading, thank you for sharing. I would add that negotiators who employ this approach demonstrate respect for the other person's dignity by being 'soft on the person' and 'hard on the problem,' with strong ethical principles playing a significant role."
Brand Identity Strategist | Fractional Chief Brand Officer | Int’l Brander | Business Educator | Leadership Trainer | Speaker | BrandsTalk Host | Author
1 年I love your advice and how you have demonstrated it with this example. Actually, intuitively I've been doing this, never reflected on it, but now it has become crystal clear to me why this works. Thank you for this incredible eye-opening post Dr. Claudia Winkler
TNC Italia Club Owner * Facilitating Decision Making to Freelances and Small Businesses
1 年Theory vs practice: I admire those "aliens" that develop theories in whatever field. But it's through practice that we, simple human beings, can appreciate theory and, thanks to it, progress our life. Your explanation is the best one I've ever read about "Soft on the person, hard on the problem". Definitely worth a practice session, don't you think Philip? Thank you Dr. Claudia Winkler!
Lead Partner - NWOYE (Barristers & Solicitors) || Corporate Finance || M & A || Dispute Resolution || Author - The Dealmaker's Handbook || Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) - SIE Certified Professional
1 年Dr. Claudia this is a very good piece on negotiation. Keep up the good work!?